It has been a long week, seems a long month. I have an appointment with a Dr Buskell that Sally recommended for the Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma next month. I'm hoping he can get it back in line, think this is by far the worst it has ever been. Maybe stress? Add to that I finally am getting a break from passing blood, either that or I ran out. :) Once again, fighting a yeast infection in my throat. I fell asleep last night, slept for over 10 hours. Denise gave me a shot this morning of B-12, not sure I took one last week, but my mouth didn't get sore, so who knows. If my blood is low that should fix it if I remember to get a shot. I hate Pernicious Anemia.
Now that we've got that over, here is the stress. Mom took a turn for the worse. She went into A Fib and her BP dropped, I'm still wondering how her heart could fluctuate and go as high as 162 beats, yet BP go low. Then her temperature started. When we left she was ok, not good but not bad. We were at Lowes getting keys made when we got a call from UT, the nurse said we might want to come in, mom was bad. Mom was dying. We headed that way fast. While we were going that way the doctor called and asked what if anything we wanted done, mom requested DNR. I told him I know her wishes, no DNR, Life Support, ICU, or CCU... but she left it up to my discretion other than that. I asked what he could do short of her wishes. He said maybe some meds and I asked him to do whatever he thought. He was honest and said it might not work and I said doing nothing surely won't work, some chance is better than no chance. As we got closer another doctor was called in and he asked what was to be done, he gave me some options he saw as a viable solution and wanted to know where we were at. We were 15 minutes out and I said to do it. He asked if I was asking him to use the meds, I said no, I'm begging you.
We got there and stayed with mom, watched her chest actually move from the hard, fast, yet erratic beating. She gasped for air even though O2 was there. She was though coherent, and they had pain meds so she wasn't in pain. No pain was a good thing but being cognitive, well, I've been there before and it is scary. To smoother is scary and to feel your heart beat fast and uncontrollable is scary too. I don't care what one's beliefs are, when that time comes you feel helpless and scared. We stayed as long as we could but eventually left and come home. Matt, Misty, and the kids drove down to see her in the snow from Johnson City. I saw Misty's eyes, but she didn't cry, not in front of mom, but I've saw those eyes before. I remember Misty visiting me when all went south just a few short years back and said I looked good. I knew through her smile her eyes said I looked just the opposite. :)
On the way out, and I think she meant well, the RN asked why I did what I did. She said that I had prolonged mom's pain but authorizing the doctors to step in and she didn't understand that. She was sincere, and I could see that she was, so I answered her. I told her they thought I would not live to come off the 12th floor above a few years ago, but I did, and some never gave up on me. They thought I would not live through the heart attack. Well, that one they kind of got right, but God didn't let me stay. I can't count the times I quit beating in my sleep and Denise came and brought me back. I told her that I have no fear of death, I've seen what comes next and there is nothing to be afraid of. I told her that is my mom, I've had her 53 years now and I would love to have her another 53 years, and that wouldn't be enough. I saw her sacred and smothering, her heart beating out... I remember that feeling. I said not you nor I nor the doctor, hospitals, or fancy equipment can changed God's mind or refuse Him when He says it's time to come home. But if He has allowed us to invent this medicine then surely He meant for us to use it. I said I wasn't trying to keep mom from getting to Heaven, but trying to ask God to allow us just a little more time. I'm fully aware that she is terminal. Then I told her, consider it a selfish move on my part. There was also at least one more who was a close family member who also disagreed with my decision.
The next day we went there, I had no sleep at all, and there, semi sitting up in the bed was mom smiling. We talked and she already knew she was dying. I told her I stayed within her wishes, borderline, but I stayed within them. Mom thanked me. One of the doctors came and we walked outside, and he said we didn't do life saving measures, just applied good medicine and care. He was happy. We thanked him for his hard work. On the way back in the RN who asked why I would do that to mom said, It was "Miraculous". I told her yes it was, just shows you have to have a little faith. A little later on another doctor came in and we talked, again, he was happy and glad we made the decision we made. We thanked him too. Then we thanked the nursing staff. We then thanked the one who made it all work... God. Over and over again. The RN that questioned it, I told her she knew part of mom's wishes, but not all of them. Mom said she didn't want to die in the hospital, she wanted to die at home. Maybe I can help give her that and maybe not, but I have got to try. Me and Denise came back home and prepared and moved furniture around in preparation for mom coming home, she will have Hospice. Everything is ready for them to bring the equipment in.
Today mom is feeling fine, hard her 1st of 10 radiation treatments on the largest tumor. They cannot cure or remiss her but this one is the one that is killing her the fastest. If they can shrink it then maybe she will be here a little longer. Mom already wants to walk. That is her goal now, she knows she is terminal. Over the years we have talked about what I have saw now on three occasions, but she also has seen me fight to live and knows my stance on fighting. It is God's call, not ours. He doesn't give up on us, so we are not to give up on Him. I know that mom is terminal and that didn't change, but maybe we will get to enjoy her company for a little while longer. I sure pray we do, but His will be done. I thought of me and the rest of us that time, mom would be fine either way it went, and I knew that.
Now that we've got that over, here is the stress. Mom took a turn for the worse. She went into A Fib and her BP dropped, I'm still wondering how her heart could fluctuate and go as high as 162 beats, yet BP go low. Then her temperature started. When we left she was ok, not good but not bad. We were at Lowes getting keys made when we got a call from UT, the nurse said we might want to come in, mom was bad. Mom was dying. We headed that way fast. While we were going that way the doctor called and asked what if anything we wanted done, mom requested DNR. I told him I know her wishes, no DNR, Life Support, ICU, or CCU... but she left it up to my discretion other than that. I asked what he could do short of her wishes. He said maybe some meds and I asked him to do whatever he thought. He was honest and said it might not work and I said doing nothing surely won't work, some chance is better than no chance. As we got closer another doctor was called in and he asked what was to be done, he gave me some options he saw as a viable solution and wanted to know where we were at. We were 15 minutes out and I said to do it. He asked if I was asking him to use the meds, I said no, I'm begging you.
We got there and stayed with mom, watched her chest actually move from the hard, fast, yet erratic beating. She gasped for air even though O2 was there. She was though coherent, and they had pain meds so she wasn't in pain. No pain was a good thing but being cognitive, well, I've been there before and it is scary. To smoother is scary and to feel your heart beat fast and uncontrollable is scary too. I don't care what one's beliefs are, when that time comes you feel helpless and scared. We stayed as long as we could but eventually left and come home. Matt, Misty, and the kids drove down to see her in the snow from Johnson City. I saw Misty's eyes, but she didn't cry, not in front of mom, but I've saw those eyes before. I remember Misty visiting me when all went south just a few short years back and said I looked good. I knew through her smile her eyes said I looked just the opposite. :)
On the way out, and I think she meant well, the RN asked why I did what I did. She said that I had prolonged mom's pain but authorizing the doctors to step in and she didn't understand that. She was sincere, and I could see that she was, so I answered her. I told her they thought I would not live to come off the 12th floor above a few years ago, but I did, and some never gave up on me. They thought I would not live through the heart attack. Well, that one they kind of got right, but God didn't let me stay. I can't count the times I quit beating in my sleep and Denise came and brought me back. I told her that I have no fear of death, I've seen what comes next and there is nothing to be afraid of. I told her that is my mom, I've had her 53 years now and I would love to have her another 53 years, and that wouldn't be enough. I saw her sacred and smothering, her heart beating out... I remember that feeling. I said not you nor I nor the doctor, hospitals, or fancy equipment can changed God's mind or refuse Him when He says it's time to come home. But if He has allowed us to invent this medicine then surely He meant for us to use it. I said I wasn't trying to keep mom from getting to Heaven, but trying to ask God to allow us just a little more time. I'm fully aware that she is terminal. Then I told her, consider it a selfish move on my part. There was also at least one more who was a close family member who also disagreed with my decision.
The next day we went there, I had no sleep at all, and there, semi sitting up in the bed was mom smiling. We talked and she already knew she was dying. I told her I stayed within her wishes, borderline, but I stayed within them. Mom thanked me. One of the doctors came and we walked outside, and he said we didn't do life saving measures, just applied good medicine and care. He was happy. We thanked him for his hard work. On the way back in the RN who asked why I would do that to mom said, It was "Miraculous". I told her yes it was, just shows you have to have a little faith. A little later on another doctor came in and we talked, again, he was happy and glad we made the decision we made. We thanked him too. Then we thanked the nursing staff. We then thanked the one who made it all work... God. Over and over again. The RN that questioned it, I told her she knew part of mom's wishes, but not all of them. Mom said she didn't want to die in the hospital, she wanted to die at home. Maybe I can help give her that and maybe not, but I have got to try. Me and Denise came back home and prepared and moved furniture around in preparation for mom coming home, she will have Hospice. Everything is ready for them to bring the equipment in.
Today mom is feeling fine, hard her 1st of 10 radiation treatments on the largest tumor. They cannot cure or remiss her but this one is the one that is killing her the fastest. If they can shrink it then maybe she will be here a little longer. Mom already wants to walk. That is her goal now, she knows she is terminal. Over the years we have talked about what I have saw now on three occasions, but she also has seen me fight to live and knows my stance on fighting. It is God's call, not ours. He doesn't give up on us, so we are not to give up on Him. I know that mom is terminal and that didn't change, but maybe we will get to enjoy her company for a little while longer. I sure pray we do, but His will be done. I thought of me and the rest of us that time, mom would be fine either way it went, and I knew that.
