Chemo 4, Day 1

I barely got up in time, Dense practically making me get up this morning. Me and Charlie done our usual stops and we ate Biscuits and Gravy at Hardees after our first stop at Easy Inn for my water and Charlies coffee. 
They took more x-rays to make sure they are hitting the right spots before beginning the treatment. I tell you these people accurate. I'm glad that I chose to have them done at UT now.

I've stayed extremely tired today. I had planned on going in the office to do a Fannie Mae report, already late... but it didn't happen. It's almost 12pm and it is the longest I've been awake at a time.

  I big sneeze and a cough make me worry if I'm catching a cold, especially since I've been in public and my blood is so far off. For the 1st time my whole throat, not just the side with cancer is extremely painful. It's taken both the pain meds and the Lidocaine (numbing) to tolerate it. The only times I have woke up so far have been to severe pain from the dryness of my mouth and throat. We bought some stuff, not what the lady there with mouth cancer told us, couldn't find it, but Mike's Pharmacy is ordering it for us, so this will have to do. It's called Oasis but the name the lady uses and stands by is Biotene (maybe misspelled). 

  This one will be short as I am drained. How after sleeping so much I have no idea why, but I am.

This one is for you Megan. You will know why your dad keeps smiling and can enjoy this song as much as I do

In honor of a friend I made I didn't know her name

  Today was her last day for chemo too. I don't know this young ladies name, but I know her spirit, it shined through her eyes. She was many a time an inspiration to us all in there. When I awoke she was gone and Denise said this was her last day. The Staff sung Happy Birthday to her, that is what had awakened me and so I told her congratulations on  this being her last treatment and her birthday as well. She smiled and said thank you, encouraged me, and wished us well.

  It wasn't until after she had gone that my wife told me she was stage 4 and it was in her bones. This was just buying her time. Her boyfriend also had cancer but I ever heard what kind of cancer or what stage. You would have not know that, nor would I if she thought it would make us sad. She gave forth a ray of hope and though we never spoke about it, I'm sure from her thankfulness for each day and lack of fear of death, she knows this video.

  In her honor I found this video of a song that says it all. Hopefully the two people who created this will not mind me placing this in her honor.

Chemo 4

  We met with Panella last week instead of today as he had a convention or something to attend. He mused over a few things in the charts and talked about changing a few things to combat my bodies rejection to the Taxitere (probably misspelled). I had a lot of people tell me they were praying for me, and they were heard. This was the most painless ans easiest of the chemo treatments. I'm not sure what the next few days will bring but as for this one day... it worked, and that is what counts... this day. Tomorrow is long away and hope for a better tomorrow is made Today. A good Tomorrow is made by a good Today.

  Unless I have to take a break over the next 20 radiation sessions, that was to be the last chemo treatment. Will I make it through who knows, but I will try.

  My blood work was done again and it wasn't bad but not good either. The treatments have taken their toll and opened me up for easy infections, but that is common I think. It is yet another hill to climb, but that is part of the whole thing and part of life isn't it. It's not battles that determine a person but what that person does in the battles. There are many times now that I have fallen, and that is ok for it isn't the person who falls or the numbers of times they fall but rather how many times and how they get back up. I think it also allows others to grow if they chose for it doesn't take a great person to point to the one fallen, but rather it does make a great person to care enough to reach out and extend their hand to help the fallen person. God knows I wouldn't have picked the battles I have fought but at the same time I would not want to see someone else fighting it, yet there are so many that fight the same battles and worse.

This blog has quite a few readers, and it is my prayer that it helps them, even if just one, it is worth it. I don't think the staff at any of the doctor's offices read or even know about it, but if they do...  Please know how grateful I and my family are to have and sill are, blessed with such great people working on me. From the doctors, nurses, receptionists, the janitors, and those that come around offering blankets, ice cream, drinks, parking lots attendants, and those that I may not see... I thank you. I know we haven't won this battle yet, but you have made it possible for me and my family to fight and know we are being helped by great people. Please know that. And should we not win this battle, we will have won the war for this life hangs by a thread and is not what we're born for. You all have made this so much more easier and gave me courage. I noticed when my body had a reaction the past to the drugs, you looked at me with compassionate, caring, scared eyes. It let me know that God had surrounded me not with good people but with great people working on this hill to climb, and that kept peace and hope inside. .

   I stayed drugged out most of the day, it was after 1pm that I awoke, other than bathroom breaks and once to eat. Today has been a long day starting with radiation at 7:45am and then doing chemo until after 3 pm, but it has been a good day. So tonight, with a dry, sore throat I wanted to thank all the great people who have worked on and with me at UT Cancer center. Thank you also to all the family, friends (both know & unknown), for your prayers. A saw something I really liked on a video, it says:

P.U.S.H.  Pray Until Something Happens

      

12-8-2009

  Radiation went excellent. I still have to use the cocktail but it works. Today I met with Green. We discussed the left shoulder and we will have an X-Ray of it if it is no better sometime next week. I wasn't exactly thinking about what comes after tomorrow... but maybe this one will be better or at least shorter in duration of sickness.   He asked how I was doing and I said fine and smiled ad said, We're half way there now, only 15 more left! Then the bubble popped, he said there were 20 left. I have no idea why 5 more have been added. Panella said last week if I have to take a break that there might have to be a smaller dose of chemo, I pray not.

  I dread tomorrow and the next few days. The ladies in the "Chemo Hut" are great, actually the whole staff there are great, it's the actual treatment that I'm not crazy about, lol. The chairs are comfortable. There are small TV's and we can bring our laptops but it is a long setting spell. Since my body has rejected the Taxitere (probably misspelled) every time, Panella has added more meds to counter it. When I ate tonight I ate something that will be easily thrown up, lol. Trust me on this one, Tacos and Pizza are two things you don't want to taste again.

  I went to the office today to check on a deal, mostly though to update the scrolling marquee. It now says Merry Christmas. I wasn't sure if I would be well enough in time, I missed putting up Happy Thanksgiving. All kinds of stuff went through my head late tonight. I had the septic tank pumped Monday, that is took care of. Paid sears off. Traded a monitor for another computer and hooked it up in the Sunroom, why I have no idea, lol. Then just about 30 minutes ago it hit me. I had not watered the plants in the Sunroom. What was I thinking.

  I talked with friends on the web and was glad to hear from my friend Sally. I was worried since I didn't get an email from her last night. I was visited by an old high school friend Roger Byrd. It isn't surprising that he turned into a good man, he was a good boy in school.We had auto mechanics together. That was the longest we've talked in years and one of the few times we've seen each other over the 30 year span. A very enjoyably evening.

  Now I'm staying up late tonight so that fatigue will bring me calmer tomorrow. I don't sit well for too long. We start with radiation at 7:45am and then Chemo begins at 8am. Maybe that will get us done starting that early by 3 or 4 pm. That day should be ok, it's usually the night or the next day it starts.

  I said it once to Panella and it still holds true. I do not ask why me. I don't like that this has happened but I don't ask why me for a couple of reasons. I smoked cigarettes heavily and drank Dr Pepper. I ate greasy and spicy food knowing I had Acid Reflux badly. That is part of the reason I never have asked why me. The other reason is as painful as this has been, I know of nobody I dislike enough to wish it on. So then the question becomes Why not Me?

12-7-09

  We start again with the radiation. When we got there the machine was down. At first Charlie and I were there in the waiting room alone but slowly it began to fill. The young man who has already seen what sounds like Hell on earth going through a stem cell transplant and God knows what else, declared that he was cured only to find out two weeks later it's back. The lady who has some sort of face cancer and other I don't know. This day though, rather than each setting quietly, we all talked. Exchanged stories and secrets of how to ease the burning from the radiation. The wait seemed so short with good company.

  I was drugged from the cocktail plus sleep deprivation, up to 3am before I could go to sleep with my arm, 5:30am came early. Been sick at my stomach for 2 days now in addition. My throat seems to be not so much a problem than my left shoulder. I believe that I get to talk with Green tomorrow, if I understood that correctly and again I am going to bring up possibility of shielding the left shoulder with the anchor in it.

  It's after 12pm and I'm still up. I know that tonight will be my last feel good night for a while, chemo comes Wed. I do so want to skip it. I'll take a sleeping pill in a minute and maybe dose off. I have the humidifier running so that is suppose to help my dry mouth a bit. I also have a spit cup to rid myself of whatever that strange looking stuff is.

  Didn't get an email from Sally tonight which is unusual. I pray she is ok. We made friends she, I, and Aubra a few years ago. I got to know them on the Lymphoma board or back then I think it was called the CTCL Board. We've never met face to face and only spoken a time or two on the phone, but they are great people and good friends. Aubra has since passed on. Sally has become to me one of my best friends in the world.   

Video tonight:

An Event That We Saw In The Waiting Room

  This has nothing really to do with me or throat cancer directly, just indirectly. Totally just what is in my mind.

  While we sat and waited to be called back today in the waiting room at UT Cancer Center we watched a lady lose it. It crossed my mind and for some reason I feel like I need to write this.

  We heard someone crying and crying out in pain and fear, not the usual thing in the waiting room. I looked across the room and noticed a lady in a motorized type scooter/wheelchair like this. I know that you have seen them in ads. The lady was heavy set, in her late 20s to mid 30s. Her husband had sat at the end of a row where she could park beside him. They looked to have little money but he had hands that looked like they worked hard.

  For whatever reason he sat facing one way but she kept on going towards the end of the room where 2 couples sat. The couple setting against the wall looked to be in their 60s, and not that you can tell by looking, neither looked sick. they may have even brought someone, who knows. They were dressed well. In the center sat another older couple in the late 60s-70s. they were dressed middle class yet the laddie's red hat looked out of an era long past, yet very new looking. They lady stopped her (we'll call it a buggy) between her husband and the 2 couples setting facing each other.

  You could tell by her voice and her actions that she was frantic. She hurt and was scared. She explained that she had breast cancer and that they had done surgery on her, explaining what was done (I didn't listen too well on the details) and trying not to stare. I looked to my wife and said she was pitiful and how bad I felt for her, she agreed. As I looked around the room I noticed that pretty much everybody was doing the same. Her husband had his head bowed, but rather than in shame, with a look of being lost, beaten down, and so, so sad. The man from the couple to her left was called back, he walked around her and attempted a look of understanding.

  The couple to the right looked her eye to eye, but were at a loss for words. Perhaps we all were. Perhaps we all knew her pain and fears all too well, and those there with someone who is battling knew her husband's look. The lady to the left, now by herself looked to the lady and listened. She softly asked, "Are you a Christian?" The frantic lady suddenly stopped, hesitated at bit and thought. She quietly said yes. The lady to her left outstretched her hand to the frantic lady. The frantic lady slowly pulled her buggy closer and stretched out her hand to the older lady, and they held hands. The older lady began to softly pray and the frantic lady bowed her head and became calm. Again, I didn't listen to the details as they prayed. When it was over the frantic lady asked the older lady about the pain, sickness and facts of what was still ahead of her. At this time I'm wondering what would happen if the older lady answered with the truth... and if she would. She told the lady that she would be very sick and in a lot of pain, but that it was ok, she would get through it. She told her that and other words of encouragement. The once frantic lady was calmed and spoke and was no longer excited but rather calm, even though it was not what she wanted to hear.

  Now your probably wondering what this has to do with throat cancer, my case, or even related to anything. Well, here it is. The lady called out her fears in an emotional and showed it all physically. What she exhibited is what is taking place inside of all of us when we fight a hard battle in an unknown battleground against an enemy that we can't see. We see the effects, we feel them and the cavalry that rides in to save the day shooting blindly. It is like being in a battle, calling in an air strike on the enemy, they bring nukes that do more damage, often killing both sides. She verbally described all our fears. Then she discovered our strength. The older lady showed her compassion, love, kindness, and truth. The biggest thing she showed her, and it was apparently conveyed without words... faith. That all leads up to a big word... HOPE. She showed her that she is not alone.

Meeting with Panella

  I went to radiation today but rather than with Charlie, Denise went since I was meeting with Dr Panella. Found a trick, compliments of Charity and the other lady in radiation. If the mask is too tight, wiggle and place your face different degrees of angle. It's still gonna be tight but not as tight. They have been very nice to me lately. Charity has even been nice, who knows what happened at the start. All that really matters is today, yesterday has gone and tomorrow isn't promised and hinges upon today. Today is all that really matters, it's all we can control.

  The treatments now burn a bit harder and my voice a bit more coarse. The pain in talking grows more each day. By this evening, the Coke I was drinking is painful so I guess it's back to water. Water must be at room temperature to keep from being painful, or I should say less painful. I'm not 1/2 way there yet but I'm getting there, lol. 

  Panella gave me a higher dose of pain meds and prescribed some pot pills to easy the coming sickness from the chemo. At this point, take and do whatever is needed for you to survive this.He decided to go with the same chemo Wed and added more to combat the rejection. how I pray this is the last. 

  Denise brought me home and went to work. I wanted to go to the office but just didn't have the energy. I laid down and me and the dog slept until about 1:15. I finally went about 2pm but wasn't able to stay long. I stopped at Easy In and got a sandwich, boy that was good.

  Now at this time if you are reading this, I am trying to give the information as to how this has been to me, both good and bad. That doesn't mean that you will have the same, it could be better... and I pray it is. It could be worse, and I pray it isn't. I'm not one to push anything on someone else but I'm going to try to place up a couple of quick videos here that help me and hopefully will help you as well.

 

This one especially: