December 2

  Again Charlie and I ate a good breakfast at Hardees. We have good conversations to and fro. We even happened upon a wreck, luckily nobody was hurt.

  It was a bit odd today, the mask seemed so tight, tighter than usual. I tried to swallow at one point and couldn't due to the tightness. I'm wondering if maybe the head plate was larger this time... something was different. It made it a bit more difficult. The music that usually plays softly in the background was silent. That also makes it a bit harder. Strange. When the treatment was over some extra lapsed before the mask was unloosened. I silently prayed for the strength to wait, and He gave it to me.

  I did notice and marked (as best I could) two times where the left shoulder was hit, yes, I felt the pain of the Anchor in my arm. maybe this is what is called a casualty of war? I fight now for the remaining use I have of my left shoulder. I think this was number 11 or 12 and just as was foretold, they are getting more painful.

  Somewhere, sometime, and somehow- between now and next Thursday I have to figure out how I'm going to be able to not throw up and drown in my own vomit for the first few days after chemo. Personally I would like to take a break until I know I will be ok not to vomit.

  The burns are felt more inside than outside at this stage and the throat seems to narrow a bit, so swallowing is getting harder and harder to do with the soreness. It is so weird, it feels like your face is bubbling at time from the inside out while the radiation is running.  Almost like a muscle quiver.

  So far my saliva glands have regained their ability to produce. I pray this is temporary.

  I bought a 24 ft float today, why I have no logical reason. My little brother helped me get it. On the way back home we decided to sell it and split the profit, so now it is at William's house. I ran by the office, but fatigue wasn't letting up very much and it wasn't long until I ended up back home. I think sometimes like I can do what I once did and then get showed I am wrong, but I try again.   

  For the most part, they are merciful in there, but there are those who aren't. Maybe they've just seen too much, and if that is the case then they should switch careers and allow themselves to heal. The little things were not done today, little things that may seem small, but seem big to another, and when totaled up dwarf  most large things. The love ain't there and with that goes the kindness. No matter what job one does, one should always have those things working for them for it is only by the Grace of God that it isn't you laying there. Years ago one of my daughters had a problem with keeping friends. she could make friends easily, just not keep them. We fixed her problem (or rather she did) when she was asked one simple question. "Would you want you for a friend?"  She started to answer me but I stopped her, "I'm not the one that should be asking nor am I the one deserving an answer. That is a question you should ask yourself and answer to yourself." She did and she has had good friends ever since. There is one in particular one there that needs to ask herself that. I have a feeling that should she lie to herself, maybe one day God will show her what it is like to have someone like her attend her needs as she is at their mercy.  

December 1 Part 2

  Now to get this arm back. Denise had to tie my shoes this morning as I couldn't get my arm enough in use to tie them. Me & Charlie stopped at Hardees and ate this morning on the way down.     

  I met with the Radiologist (Dr Green) today after the treatment.  Considering the cocktail to keep me from freaking out, I did quite well remembering to ask the questions. Green seemed to be sincere, as most of the ones I have encountered are. They take their time and answer questions. We discussed the shoulder and he thought that the radiation has no part in the pain and didn't need shielding. Just in case I thought I would remind him that I have 2 stints in my heart, lol. There is also the possibility of it being C5 & 6 in my neck and referred pain, especially since my left hand is numb.

  He was pleased with the progress. I asked him about the chunks of tan looking meat that occasionally come up, they turn black after a while. He wasn't sure if it is scab, clot, or tumor. I told him the pain associated with them when they break free, then again I breathe better each time they come loose. I guess it's a trade off. We discussed the fatigue that seems to go along with all of this. He seems concerned for depression, another side effect but at the same time shocked that I seem to take it well. I told him the secret is that no moment is forever on earth, be it good or bad, no moment lasts forever. So we cherish the good ones and tolerate and learn from the bad ones. If it weren't for bad moments, we would not appreciate the good ones.   

  He suggested a humidifier for the dryness, I was one up on him on that one, already do that. Denise makes me keep my lips moist, now if that would just work with the mouth and throat. Oddly enough I can still drink Coke, little burn but not bad.  Green said this was number 10. Unless something changes that only leaves 20 more. I can feel the burning inside now when they do it. Not  really pain, just burning. It seemed to hit at different angles from the best I could tell. Afterward I was hoarse and had a course voice but it is getting better now in the evening. It once again feels like there is a knot that things have to get past before they go down, but not as bad as it was when we first started. Dr Green also mentioned my weight, I'm at 215 now. I reminded him that I had gained intentionally just for this. In 2005, my first chemo, I went from 231 to 193 in about 3 weeks so I knew what was coming.  

  We meet with Panella Friday since he has a conference to go to next week. I'm hoping the Lortab will suffice until then but they are going fast at 2-3 at a time every few hours. Apparently I graduate to a more potent drug again, Enocet was the last step up, but it can't be called in. Next Wednesday is Chemo again, number 4 and I pray the last one. I'm just not sure if I could do anymore of them or even this one for that matter. Each one seems to take longer and longer to recuperate from. I dread the long trips the first few days afterward, nothing like riding with a bucket between your legs, lol. Of course we do have one of those hangers that gets us in the preferred parking places, lol. I got a temporary one because I know this isn't going to be forever and I only use it when I have to. There are people a lot worse off than I am that need those special places to park.

  Hopefully this will be an event-less night. 
 

December 1st

  Well its 3:42am, and I've slept for about 2 hours and awake with a terrible pain. Not my shoulder, but my mouth, throat, and even my lips.  Both feel like they have dried and cracked open. I remember Panella saying it could be a side effect and this has been throughout the whole process, but normally they come back by now. They being the Saliva Glands. I also remember Green saying they could be saved and maybe they will be, for now however it doesn't look like they have been. My teeth even hurt. The terrible taste has still not stopped this time and the milky looking spit. So I'm up now until the pain meds can take effect. 2 lortab 10s. I do have some Lidocane and just now remembered it, so I do a tablespoon of that. I swish it around and instead of swallowing it I swallow it.

  My shoulder is still hurting badly. It hasn't hurt this bad since the surgery. I asked the radiology ladies if it should be shielded during the radiation since it has an anchor and they said no. Who knows, maybe I injured it in one of the drug induced sleeps I've had to do. Dear God how I'd like to sleep just 8 hours.... even 5 or 6 hours without awaking in intense pain.

  Yesterday I reflected back, something probably best not done right now and thought how odd that I survived a heart attack only to end up with a Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma and now add to that, throat cancer. How in I day at times I have taken more pain meds than all the surgeries combined, all the dental work combined. How Lortab 10 once knocked me out, as did Edocet and now it takes 2-3 just to be able to function. Just now, as I write, the pain is trying to radiate into my right ear. But at least I have the pain meds, I ran out over the weekend... my fault.

  Slowly they are taking effect and who knows, maybe I can squeeze in another hour or two before I have to get up and get dressed for radiation treatment # 10. I keep trying to look at it positively but it is hard to sometimes. It makes me wonder why God just didn't let it end that night I had my heart attack.

  I guess I shouldn't be complaining, I can still eat out once again at a restaurant without being embarrassed making gurgling and choking sounds. I can still swallow, a bit difficult, but after I have water of something wet, I can still swallow, usually with minimal pain. More importantly though, I have a great family, friends, and doctors and nurses.

  The Lotabs have eased it off with the Lidocane, but I'm still afraid to go back to sleep, not because of the sleep but rather the waking up in pain again. There was a time I tolerated pain quite well. That time has passed. Already my body says sleep but my mouth is completely dry, only getting wet when I take a sip of water.  I know that will end in the same scenario as led to me being up this late writing.

  The things I know make sure I have are water, a spit bottle, and my pain meds close. Oh yea, and the numbing meds and something to settle my stomach from all this junk.

 I was asked what my expectations were on returning to work today. My answer was that it is like trying to see people on Mars. That for now I just try and figure out how to survive each day. That seems enough task for me right now. I have goals, but most are the result of the outcome and just that one day and the aspirations that tomorrow might be better. Well, I'll numb myself one more time and try and get in about 30 minutes sleep before it starts again.

Thanksgiving Day +1

  I had radiation again today. The only day I didn't was yesterday, Thanksgiving Day. They are beginning to cause more soreness. My left arm has also been getting worse since Wednesday. I'm beginning to wonder if the radiation my be affecting the pins in there. My teeth hurt and my gums are tender.

  I ate mostly what I wanted yesterday, dressing was a definite no-no and I knew that but I love mom's dressing. I even ate some today. Maybe that might be part of the reason for the soreness, that and the fact I am just getting over the chemo.

  I should have listened to Denise and called Panella for more pain meds but I had got to where I didn't hardly need any. This chemo aftermath changed that. I'll run out by late Saturday but I'm hoping Tylenol Arthritis will work, maybe even give my system a rest from the endocet.

  Weeks like this last one make me want to give up and just give in, but then I think of how they all start like this and get better. The drawback this time is that it doesn't seem to be getting better with the radiation. That effects moral, or at least it does mine. From what they say it will only get rougher. I got this week and next week, then chemo again.

  We use a pill cocktail for my treatments now and don't have to do the vein thing. The biggest problem now is that I stay drugged and sleep most of the day. The next logical step would be to try it with nothing. Then again, if the pain continues at thus rate, I'd rather sleep.

Chemo 3 - Day 2

Thursday wasn't so bad until the evening set in. As the cocktail of drugs used to calm me down enough for the Radiation Mask and treatment left, so did the stomach.

Here is a very large hint.... DO NOT EAT PIZZA! lol. I awoke to throwing up through my nose and mouth straight up. It felt like I was drowning. I rushed to the bathroom and took a Phengran pill with me. The swallowing didn't work as it all came up. I did take an herb and it calmed it down enough to lay back down and eventually go back to sleep just about an hour before time to go back to UT for another radiation treatment. When your sick, that is a long trip. The cocktail is lessen each day. Monday I will try and medicate myself and not need the IV meds. Pure Genius on their part. It may reduce my claustrophobia. Today though, even with a light cocktail I was too week and sick to put up much of a fight. 

  I have a handicapped parking pass now, so we get front row seats, lol. My stepdad Charlie took me down Thursday & Friday. We only use it though when we have to, which has been pretty much everyday since Tuesday. Although I did only get the temporary one, hopefully. Once back into the Chemo hut I was offered an IV to help stop the sickness, and it worked until tonight. Now we're back to stage 1. Again after pills failed I turn to an herb which calms my stomach somewhat.

  For 2 days now I have tasted this horrible metal in my mouth... even when drinking water. My stomach has roared and I've gotten rid of what I eat the wrong way.

  I have noticed that my neck is turning red from just 4 treatments. Thank God no sourness inside yet, I pray that I can at least eat a good Thanksgiving meal before either having to eat baby food or through a feeding tube. Either way though, I have a lot to give thanks for.

  If you get to this part always remember, God is there for you, why go it alone? All you need do is ask. The second thing to remember is that "Be it good or bad... no moment lasts forever." And the last is to be thankful if God has graced you with a good family and friends. These are not your "support groups", they are your lifelines that God has graced you with.

This too shall pass.

2 Days After Raidiation.

My wife & I went to Ruth for another cocktail, but this one much lesser. Neither told me, lol. Denise instructed me to take a 5 mg Valium before... just in case, so I did.

  Ruth slowly administered and talked to us at the same time. Again, lol, I was wheeler down to and back k in a wheelchair. Only this time, instead of getting to go home, I had Mega Dose 3 afterward. This lasted about 7 hours. Man were we tired. I'm writing this in an attempt to bring on fatigue tomorrow, a suggestion I was told.

   Today left 28 radiation treatments and 1 Chemo. Thank you God. .

 

The Day Aftern Radiation Attenpt

  While I will not go into all that was said not only by me but a nurse there at UT, the smart-allect tech.

People, this worked. This is written I guess more for the doctors and staff tonight. I, like many people am not trained in medicine but we do know our own body. Along with this we know our own mental, physical,  and emotional limits... or short comings. If just 1 doctor had listen, or had read past reports they would have known what was about to happen. But nobody does until it's after the fact, and the whole thing blows up in their face. Yep, I heard the Tech say many times, "I wish we would have known up front", or "It would have been nice to know this up front". That's just two of many. for that woman's sake I pray she finds another job, even more, I pray the next person will bnefit from her not being there.

"Well we want to get better if you will cooperate and want to do this to get better" comes under the title Bull Shit! This lead to a "I'll tell Dr Green!" "Which I rebutted...good, thank you." I figured that would be the end of that. Then Dr Green called. Just a piece of advice, make sure when one gets old it is to someone no smart enough to find out if it is the truth. Anyway, we agreed to 12:45, Why this couldn't have happened that day, I don't know. Why this could have been diverted but wasn't, another good question.

   Anyway, away me and my wife (now misses 2 days of work) and she is very intend on having her say. She is a nurse and head over the others nurses in that office, so it's not like she don't know how an office should be ran. Everything had seemed to already have been handled by Panella's charge nurse Ruth.

  Ruth had made a shot up called a cocktail. Slowly it worked and i was welled down to Radiology. It's sketchy what all happened in there but I remember the snapping down, actually like being strayed in a molded fish net made of thick, hard, Nylon like plastic. Dr Green must have watched pretty carefully as he noticed the 2 snaps that were about to make e snap. He ordered them unsnapped and the tension lessened. The Classical music also calmed the savage beast, lol.

  I'm not sure how long I laid there but I remember asking if we were done yet. It ended there.

  I don't remember much about coming home. I do remember crawling into bed and freezing, bundled up, turned the personal heater on and it was today... with a bit of a hear-ache.