Happy Birthday Denise

Happy Birthday Denise. 

I love you.

05-13-2014

  My blood work came back a while ago, I kinda forgot about posting again, should have already done that. I am at the top of normal, right on the borderline of being Diabetic. Prednisone is one of those things that sometimes has the side effect of becoming Diabetic, probably this weight I've gained has a lot to do with it too. :)  I gotta lose some weight. I constantly have to have fluid with the burnt up Saliva Glands (but one works a little), but I need to do something besides Mt Dew. I'm hoping that this summer I can tolerate some garden time and start back taking water again. My Thyroid levels are good, so that medicine is the correct amount. Dr Rathfoot done an excellent job on dosage when it finally gave out. Next month I will start again the follow-ups and I guess we will discuss surgery at that point.

  I still am struggling with mom's affairs. I hired Kelly Hinsley to probate the estate and his secretary Kerri does an excellent job. I am a fish out of water and at times I get a little urked at the way things are done legally, but I do them. So far I have stood my ground on a few things like her cars. The Will says they all come to me but she asked that I give Misty her Mountaineer and Megan her Mustang, and that is exactly what I intend on doing. Her bills far exceed her insurance but I intend on seeing they are paid and not by selling the cars like some have suggested. The stuff she asked that someone get I have followed her wishes. It is still so hard to go inside for any length of time. I gave away the food she had and the equipment that Hospice left, and some things the family asked for. I know all things material here are moth and rust, that is, falls prey to one of the other... but they meant something to them.

 I have found a way to sleep a little. In the change of seasons, especially before a rain, I hurt. Shoulders, knees, and neck, sometimes just all my joints. Some due to a mild arthritis left behind years ago from the Lymes Disease, mostly though from the injuries. I take 2 Advil or Tylenol PM pills, a blow dryer, 2 pillows, and a body pillow. I head for the floor and sleep there. I don't know what, how, or why, but it helps. If I can get 5 hours sleep that helps a lot. I have a long tubing for the O2 machine and take that to where I am. If I had known I was going to last this long I'd taken better care of myself, lol.

05-07-2014

   I haven't published in quite a while, well, actually haven't written much lately. I've spent some time on Pintrest, making some pins and browsing. I've actually watched more TV than I usually do. I don't want to make that a habit but it kind of takes my mind off things somewhat, but that is what TV does. Usually when I hurt of think I work, only these days that don't work either. This last yeast infection has went on for weeks and I stay tired from the sleep apnea, or who knows, maybe the weight gain.

  We put a garden out this year, but a small one, still bigger than last years which were just a few peppers and garlic. It got in the high 80s today and already that closed my throat off, so we shall see how this small one goes. With Misty and the kids gone, Annie gone, mom and dad gone... well there just isn't reason to put out a lot. Some of it may be depression, I catch myself starting to call mom at night and through the day, even catch myself heading up there. It all seems, well, strange and empty. Already I have people asking to buy this or that, God forgive me but I resent it. None of that stuff means nothing and yet I can't yet bring myself to touch it, save for the stuff the kids want and the stuff that could be needed by others that I gave to the Senior Center. I went by the Lawyer who is probating the estate today. I hired him for his honesty and intelligence, hopefully he will listen to what I intend on doing though. I get that sometimes, people mistake my niceness for weakness, by the time they figure out the two are very different it usually is a bit late.

  So I went yesterday to get blood work ran, the blood work that I was suppose to have done before mom went down hill. I took Megan to have her blood work run for her Thyroid levels to be checked and Kim at Dr Schindler's office remembered and reminded me about it. Megan's had to be increased but mine aren't back in yet. Next month starts the follow-up visits and possible surgery. I will not turn the surgery down this time if it will get me off the Prednisone. I always fear getting another hole added in my throat when I awake, I do not fear not awakening.

  Megan did get a job and she loves it. Gordon hired her to make sandwiches and stock at his store at Easy In Market. They have been good to her. Gordon talked with me before he hired her to make sure what I thought. He knew full on that Megan's hearing isn't good but he said he thought she could do the job, and I agreed. Megan has worked out great they said, she works hard, friendly, and learns fast. She now sees that the world isn't the same as it was in high school, where she was told what she couldn't do. She has discovered that out here she is no longer treated as an outcast or teased about her hearing. Megan finally sees what I always told her, nobody notices someone's deficits because we all have something we're lacking on. Most people are just trying to get from one day to the next as best they can.           

03-18-2014

Happy 25th Anniversary Denise

I love you.

03-10-2014

Well I missed Friday's telling of that appointment with Dr Bushkell at UT. It went well. He hasn't had time to speak with Dr Zic at Vanderbilt on my case yet, but he said he wants me back in 6 months and by then he will examine me and he and Zic will have something figured out. I told him Dr Zic probably wouldn't remember me but he said he bet he does. I like Zic but he is just too far away, and also I like Dr Bushkell. His staff is nice just like him. His treatment was to drive 3 times to Knoxville for treatments on a machine I hadn't heard of. After we told him how far he asked if we could get to a NBUVB Machine and do treatments easier. I have one the insurance company years ago along with us went in and bought. He briefly mentioned Targetin and I briefly ignored that, lol. Same goes with Interferon. I even was able to keep the stitch(s) in my leg and they got to take it out, didn't tear that one out, lol.

So today we went for a follow-up with Dr Rathfoot who was quite impressed with the swelling in my throat. He had a hard time getting the scope through my nasal passage and into my throat, and that was all me, I just couldn't seem to swallow and breathe at the right time. But we got there, lol. I just came off 30mg of Prednisone so the swelling is lower. I go back in 3 months and he said he wants to to consider surgery to do injections again. I will do it this time, no excuses.

  We discussed the Sleep Apnea problem which we are at a stand still, nothing else can be done. The pills he prescribed for the Narcoleptic events didn't work, and I apologized for not calling him in 30 days. He understood when I told him about mom. The next step would be a stronger medicine like Riddlen and he doesn't think my heart would take that, given the past Cardiac problems. So we hit a wall there too. Maybe something will come out eventually.

   Meanwhile the stress still builds, I wish I had have left mom discuss her final business with me. I'm dog paddling and it feels like over a massive waterfall. Real Estate I know, Estate handling I don't. I got so use to saying I'll ask mom. That doesn't work these days, neither does getting the phone to call her at night like I use to. I wrote a piece on the last week she was alive, one night's conversation we had and put in on the My Musing Blog. For now that is how I will have to release stress, remain strong in appearance.        

03-02-2014

  It has been a few days since mom's funeral, which was Friday. Mom is in Heaven now but it still hurts, especially at night when I would call. The day I can keep busy but even then it isn't without pain since it involves going through mom's stuff to try and find her Insurance papers, and make sure the food is gone. We gave the items that Hospice left behind to the Senior Center, got some Ensure too. In this world it leaves no time for grief, and that is sad. Mom made millions in her life yet died with debt where she gave most of it away, actually all of it. Bills have to be paid, which we can do for a while, but not forever. Mom looked at me the day before she died and asked why we worked all the time. Why did we buy all this stuff. Why didn't we slow down and enjoy each other more and appreciate what we had rather than working all the time to buy more. I don't know is about all I could come up with, well that, and we seemed to enjoy working all the time. I came to that realization the night I felt my heart beating out of my chest while I smothered and grew cold. I again went through that for almost a year while I fought once again for my life from the throat cancer and the medicine (aka Poison).

  At night I called her... every night. We would talk throughout the day on and off but at night at least once, usually more. I miss though brief calls. I remains strong so that the rest will and when I break I go off alone to do it. Megan has really taken it hard, she worked so hard to take care of mom. Funny, mom didn't have a lot to do with Megan when she was small, I guess she just didn't know how or was afraid of her with her hearing loss. She clung to Annie yet stayed at a distance to Megan, but dad didn't. Yet in the end it wasn't Annie who took care of mom it was Megan, Annie helped twice but Megan would not leave her side. Megan stayed the nights and the last week she wouldn't leave during the days either, and barely slept. Needless to say, she is sick physically too. I swear she sounds like she has Pneumonia too.

  Tomorrow I go for my blood work, a week late but the doctor should have it in time for Friday's appointment, he will just have to look it over a bit quicker. The creams seems to be helping with the patches of CTCL, the shampoo and stuff for the stress related infection on my scalp... not so much. I go soon to Rathfoot too for a follow-up.

02-23-2014 Mom's death

I’m kind of numb tonight, more wounded than numb, broken hearted. Mom had an episode last night about 4am when I got up there, stayed until she rested and went to sleep, about 5:30am, the walked home. She was talking normal after I gave her something for pain and something to calm her nerves. It only took a little of each, mush less than normal. We adjusted her pillows and fluffed them, repositioned her in the bed, covered her up. Mom ask me to stay so I did until she went to sleep. Megan stood watch the rest of the night and said she slept well. She had a very rough night until then, after that she had a good night. Denise went up there right before 7am and sent Megan to bed. 

  I had come back home and went back to bed, mom’s BP was good and her heart was beating about 72, all was great. At 10:15 Denise called and woke me up, she was saying to come up there, mom was breathing funny. She called a second time before I could get out the door, I could hear the panic in her voice which is unusual for Denise. I put my teeth in, pants and shirt on and was up there by 10:30. Denise was standing there in a panic, she was crying and saying she couldn’t find a pulse. Mom had died right before I got there, just minutes before. She looked peaceful on my face, still warm, she had sweated in her sleep. Denise said it came on suddenly, no strained or laboring, she just breathed shallow for a few minutes, then stopped.

   I didn’t take it with the strength I thought I would, neither did she or Megan. I am lost. I don’t remember crying this hard, ever. Mom is out of pain, yet that doesn’t ease the pain of her passing. I know there are no goodbyes but this certainly feels like one. I called the Hospice nurse, then Tina, Misty, and Annie... by then I was pretty much all to pieces. Denise called and talked on the phone after that. The Hospice nurse came down and talked with us, she called the Funeral Home for us and hugged us. So thank you goes out to Jean Knight of UT Hospice for being so helpful and kind today and throughout this. Johnny from Farrar Funeral Home came to get mom's body, he offered to wait until we left the room to take her from the bed to the board for transport. I stayed. 

  We went to the Funeral home at 4pm to start getting everything arranged, but mom had told Johnny most of what she wanted already. I told him whatever mom said is what mom gets. Johnny was helpful and nice, mom loved him. I managed to hold it together until all that went by, even when the preacher came by, thought I unraveled a bit then. 3 other people from the church came by, didn't know them, but they were nice. After everybody had left and Denise was inside, Megan was home, I went on the back porch and went to pieces. Denise was inside in pieces while Megan was home, so we all hid. Everything changes now... 

  Mom was born and lived in the Great Depression as a child, born in 1928. She was upbeat and smart, remained that way the whole time through. Like JFK, she lived her life under something that still stands out today to me. "Some see things as they are and ask why. I see things as they could be and ask why not." She got her GED in her 50s, then went to Vocational School to train for office work, then onto Real Estate school to be a Realtor. In her 70s she went after her Broker License, then onto opening her own company, American Homes & Realty Inc. I worked there with her after I left UPS until the Throat Cancer. Mom had planned on me taking it over one day, I already had paid to study for my Broker when the throat cancer hit. I ended up not being able to go back into the business. Imagine at her age those accomplishments. Some said mom was greedy since she kept on working, but she wasn't. Mom made tons of money yet died in debt, not from bad anything, but from giving it out. She could not enjoy having anything if she saw someone who didn't have but needed. 

  Mom took me in at 6 months old and her and dad raised me as their own, yet my biological parents still had a part in my life. Technically my grandmother, but completely my mother. She never practiced tough love but rather unconditional love. She believed in me even when I didn't. She saw the good in everybody and held no grudges. I was made better not by her words but by her and dad's examples. I am broken right now yet I know I have been blessed by God allowing me to be in the company of such great people, and still am, my wife and kids. Mom lived her life like dad, to an old Cherokee proverb without probably even knowing it. "When you were born the world rejoiced and you cried. Live your life so that when you die the world cries and you rejoice." I know mom is with dad now and everything is great. Surely Heaven is brighter by her addition, while the world is a bit darker by her passing.