Friday, February 5, 2016

2-6-2016

  Well I'm sitting here in my bedroom again, brings back not so easy times memories. I don't write a lot on here these days, just noticed the people following have dropped  to the 70s from over 100. Eventually I will cease all together on this blog, but it has helped me greatly. I am able to say things I could never say face to face, things felt but seldom if ever spoken. I write as if nobody will read it and oddly enough it helps me get out suppressed feelings, an effect I never considered when I started.

  I got an intestinal bug and I think maybe pneumonia. This high dose of Prednisone has several drawbacks but also advantages. I at least can breathe semi normal and for now HBOT and surgery is off the table. I go for a follow-up with Rathfoot next week and it scares me that I actually feel good about the results. Usually I worry about the results, so hopefully I'm not just feeling good wrongly.

  The Prednisone has several drawbacks. I have gained a lot of weight, and I mean a lot of weight. If we went to the beach they'd probably try to push me back in thinking I beached myself. lol. I have skin like rice paper so if I bump something I either bruise or bleed. We work on something I usually have the oh no you've cut yourself bad comment. I've gotten to where I pay little to no attention to the blood. The cows got out the other day and me and Denise had to get them in, easy done, then repair the fence, not so easy done. They went through briers, so I looked like I have been in a slasher money. It also brings about aggression. Do a lot of prayer and Bible study, but the good parts. Maybe the weight gain but fatigue seems to be a side effect. Keep in your mind though the benefits over the drawbacks.

  We watched the movie "90 Minutes In Heaven". It was a hard movie to watch, I think it hit way to close to home. I think Don had it worse physically than I have had, but those long days of what seemed to never end and pain that can't be described. I looked from time to time and Denise was in tears, honesty I wasn't until Don talked about his experience, then I lost it. For the first time it shows what one really goes through spiritually and emotionally. If I get to speak with him again I will ask if he was able to go through the gate, but it seems he was stopped. I wasn't allowed to cross the river. In some ways I think it would be good for all to experience and yet in some ways I pray nobody has to experience it. All I can say is it will show you that what you do, especially for or to others, matters greatly. It also shows you you are loved, even when you and the world don't love, you are loved. I try and keep that part of my life separate from the cancer blog, but in truth, they are together. It makes a difference knowing you do not lose, you win, no matter the outcome. In those darkest hours, when you are alone and without strength to set up. Those times that hours seem like days and day like years, and your spouse has to work and nobody is there to catch you if you fall. It helps to know that someone is there, even if you don't see them, He sends ones there. That is one reason I declined talking with TED, who wanted just the cancer part without faith. I'm not saying one cannot do this battle without faith, but it does make it easier, a light in a dark space in one's life sometimes is all we need to find out way out.      

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Happy New Year

Happy New Year !!!


  2016, man it don't seem like it should be that. I figured that 2009 would be my last one but here I am, guess I ain't done yet. I thought some while putting meds on my scalp to treat the Non Hodgkin's about the past.

  When I was young we'd all watch the "ball drop", counting down along with the TV to the final second, then scream Happy New Year. We'd call and wish other family members the same, even if it meant waking them up, lol. There was no cell phones or answering machines back then, so it would ring until either we stopped or someone answer. The next day mom would fix stuff we'd, or at least I would not eat again until the next year rolled around. Black eyed Peas, Greens, and other stuff that were suppose to do certain things for you throughout the year. I remember greens being money, I guess because we had so little of it. Walk uphill so that one would make advances upon the first walk. Blue eyed people were considered bad luck, and most of us had blue eyes. Keith, and probably some other of mom's siblings had brown eyes, some had green. Hey those were consider good luck if they came to visit during New Year's Day. We would wait until Keith, Dorthy, and their kids would come visit, and they always did so we'd all have good luck. Man were we ever blessed, not because of eye color, or what we ate, but because we had each other. 

   Skip ahead and when I was a teenager, dad had landed a good paying job, so we thought we would  up the tradition by adding a new one to the line up. We had watched people on TV drinking and Champagne seemed to be the "in" thing they drank. Mom bought some Champagne and fancy glasses in preparation of the celebration. I was a young teenager back then and thought this would add something new. We all gathered around and watched the ball drop, counting the last seconds countdown along with them. We all had our glasses, a bit awkward to hold but we'd do as we saw on TV. The glasses were poured and when the ball dropped we all screamed Happy New Year. We raised our glasses, even clinking them together, and preceded to drink. You could see us looking at each other as we held the glasses over our mouth. Some swallowed it while other spit it out into the glass or the sink. Nobody liked the taste, guess we just wasn't cut out for it. So we grabbed our soft drinks, milk, or Eggnog, and refilled our washed out glasses, lol. Thus began and ended this new tradition, lol. 

   Some decades have passed since then, some people have passed since then. even as an adult I always called mom and dad when that ball dropped. Dad would wake up to watch it, mom watched it all. Misty and Annie live away now and Megan is at her boyfriends  (and yes, she has to come home by 12:10). The older ones who once kept us all together have since gone and the younger ones became the older ones over time. We haven't kept the traditions like our predecessors did, and that is a shame. So tonight it will be just me and Denise, watching the ball drop and doing one tradition that mom and dad did, the New Years first kiss, as we have done for 27 years now. Then we will hit the bed, not wanting to disturb our girls.I'll probably at least send a text, which seems a bit impersonal. I see what those who came before me saw, that these times may never come again so be thankful for who and what you have. For a moment I wondered if they considered as they aged if it may be their last one. Then I remember how they lived, oh how they did live, making the most of every minute, every person, everything in their life each day. That makes me say, I want to live like that. 

God Bless and Happy New Year
Anthony    

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

 

 

 I wish everybody a

 

Merry Christmas  

May God Bless you and yours through this next year to come.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Thursday, November 5, 2015

11-05-2015

  I have about 2 more weeks before I have the follow-up with Rathfoot to see if that 20mg of Prednisone worked. Also on the same day I see Bushkell on the Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma for my follow-up, we postponed it so that both doctors would be the same day and eliminate a drive to Knoxville U.T. I'm not sure how either will go, hoping that things get better but right now, it ain't looking good. I've been vacuuming up and burning leaves on and off the last 2 weeks, something that will go for at least another month. Living with woods on 2 sides heavy and the other 2 sides quite a few trees, we have our share. That being said, I wouldn't want it any other way. I love our trees. This year I planted a few, about 15 so far.

  For all my grumbling about being on Prednisone this long (10mg for almost 2 years now), the skin gets like paper and tears easily. I bleed easily and for the first time in my life, bruise. I am so use to bleeding that when I see blood I think nothing of it. Usually I wear camo and it just blends in, lol. But it may have served an unseen purpose, something I totally unexpected. For the 3rd time in my life I got a bite from a Brown Recluse Spider. My 1st time, I was 23 or 24 and had never heard of them, and almost lost my arm. The 2nd time was on a knuckle and I saw that happen and got medical attention fast, lost very little meat and a small scar, nothing like my elbow though. I did lose some lymph nodes from cleaning aquariums at the pet store. Lesson: water that is good for fish is not good if it gets in our body. It entered in the hole left from the spider. This time was the armpit. We've had a rash of prowlers and I grabbed a jacket (it was chilly) and headed out. I waited a few days, probably 2 or 3, then went to Schindler who gave me antibiotics, which I'm still taking. I have 4 days and if it isn't better I have to go back. Already the pain has went down so they are working.

  So tonight I showed Denise, she wanted to see it, and she wasn't too impressed. She put the ointment on it, plus I have pills to take 4 times a day. 2000 mg Keflex. The center is developing a hole down in my armpit, basically the meat is dead or rotting. It probably looks worse than it feels, some pain but not bad. I expected this, the venom rots or kills the flesh it comes into contact with. Now the funny thing is, rather than use pesticides in the garden bug control is accomplished with spiders and Praying Mantis, which I never get a bite from either. I probably mash him (or her) when I put the jacket on, these are not aggressive spiders. So basically... my bad. Tonight is a little rough so I will take the Tylenol Extra Strength, and probably Excedrin. Tomorrow they call for rain and if it is pretty long enough I will work on the tractor I swapped Big Ugly for. I think I will dissemble the body parts to get to the engine parts easier, plus beat some of the dents out of it. It isn't a trailer queen but for a 1968 farm tractor it is ok. Denise don't think it will spear, lift, and carry a roll of hay, I think it will.      

Friday, October 23, 2015

10-23-2015

  Well the extra 10mg of Prednisone is finally over so now I go back to 10mg. Thank God. Taking 20mg of it I gained even more weight plus was getting a little hateful and short fused. A good example of that was when I was leaving Lowe's and came to the red light. The car in front started quickly when it turned to green, then slammed on his brakes. Thankfully UPS driver training you wait a second or two before starting after the car in front starts, just in case. I threw up my hands, no words, no horn, just tossed my hands in the air like I was saying what... Apparently the guy in front saw that and we ended up side by side at the next red light. My windows was down, a/c quit on the truck, so the guy rolls his window down, looks angry and says, "Hey... you gotta a problem?"  I looked over and said, "Actually I do. I'm wondering, did you just not like that shade of green or did you wake up stupid."  I think it caught him off guard and he quickly turned his head and rolled his window back up. We were about the same age, he maybe was a little younger, and I think he was playing with his cell phone. Normally I wouldn't have done that.

  Another side effect of Prednisone (according to Denise), besides weight gain and irritability is thin paper like skin. I get cut and bruise over practically nothing. It is so common that while everybody freaks out I pay it little attention. I wear camo a lot and can wipe the blood on my pants or shirts and what doesn't come out blends in, lol. People ask me if I'm going hunting and usually are puzzled when I tell them I don't hunt. I get dirty and bloody and this hides it, looks like it is just part of the design, lol.

  I almost made Denise proud a few days ago, Big Ugly I waved good-bye to as it went to the new owners. I told her I could part with stuff, just not as she imagined. Matthew (long time friend) needed a truck to haul scrap in plus pull things. He has an old 1968 Massey Ferguson tractor he don't need. It needs a few things but is fine as it is. I don't really need another tractor but he needs a truck and Big Ugly has mostly sit for the last 2 years. It was a little hard to see her go but now she can do what she was meant to do. I bought the truck when I was selling real estate off Craigslist for 550.00, to pull the hay float. Blackie (F150) just was having a hard time and overheating bad. It wasn't long before I got sick with the throat cancer. While taking chemo you have days you feel better than others, but not really good days, just not as bad days. I found a steel flatbed on Craigslist and William took his trailer and me and I bought it. Cody (now Megan's boyfriend) came and I paid him to fabricate it to fit and make a headache rack. Later I found a seat and William installed it. After the treatments Big Ugly was the first thing I worked on, taking the top of the engine off plus distributor down and replacing the electronic parts and hand cleaning the Plentium.  Denise went with me to look at it and when I bought it dad followed me back. A lot of good memories. I'm not sure I can work on stuff that much anymore. So far he has Big Ugly but I haven't seen the tractor yet. The last 2 days he was suppose to bring it but something came up and he couldn't. He will bring it when he can, I have faith he will.

 (note to Denise) I know you will read this. You look at the cars and trucks I once collected and I know you see junk, but I see potential. JFK once said, "Some sees things as they are and ask why. I see things as they could be and ask why not." Will I live or my health last long enough to even fix one more? I don't know, probably not. They give me hope and something to aspire to be able to do again. The proverbial carrot in front of the horse thing. If you remember back, they told me to walk in the Mall after my heat attack. I did walk as they suggested only I went to junk yards and walked. I done that so much that the guys at Romines and Sonny's sent people to me to ask if they had a certain car or part, lol. It was nice of them since they knew I couldn't afford to buy anything and still allowed me to walk. I thank them for that. My whole thought process is, what if I can. They continue to be worth more so if I can't you can do as you need to do with them. I have lived my life reaching for the stars, knowing I will never touch one, but also knowing I won't end up with a hand full of dirt while reaching up. I had to adopt that growing up. You were blessed with a "normal family", your mom and dad. I grew up living between houses and with 8 different people, each great, each different, plus my parents who visited from time to time. They were young and dumb, so I don't fault them for leaving. You had stability, rock hard and firmly planted... I did not, but I was loved. Funny, all 8 were poor, honest, hard working people, and when you have nothing you have everything you need. Faith and hope abide with those who have little material junk. All we own, all we can touch, is fleeting at best and in time is gone from moths or rust. This stuff serves me now and when I am gone if it does not serve you then get rid of it.    

  Also I read on the Lymphoma Board, then went to the article, a new treatment is being experimented with to treat T Cell Lymphomas and similar blood cancers. For a moment I saw light at the end of the tunnel, then  I saw price. If it is approved, it will be years before it is released. I saw and read how it works and it sounds a lot like Robert (Bob) Beck's way except the take out the blood, just as he said they wanted to years ago. Still, it is hope. I have sores in my head and my skin looks like I've took a bath in battery acid in many places. It has advanced lately, and that is ok too I suppose. None of us get out of this life without dying. We are dying with that first breath, each breath brings us closer. Some of us are fortunate to know this, but the real blessing is something else that we know. It isn't the breaths we should count but the moments that happen between breaths. There, the miracles are found, we just have to notice. People come back from death with some profound knowledge and while I didn't have all this many things, one thing I did and remember well. "Be it good or bad, no moment lasts forever. Therefore endure the bad and cherish the good... knowing this too shall pass."  That simple things was a life raft when I was in the battle with the Throat Cancer.             

That was long... now I got to do some chores. :)