Wednesday, July 18, 2012


   I have until the end of the month before my next check-up, I always get nervous. Seems strange but I think it is always in the back of one's mind and yet seems like the past wasn't even real. I think maybe we mentally distance ourselves as far as we can, and yet that fear of pain stays with us. Loads of side effects we slowly work through and around each day bear in mind the hell we experienced. There is that fine line of a slow death that changes people, some for the good and some for the bad, that is about the only real thing we have power over. It is a fine line of not wanting to be treated by loved ones as sick while also needing to be understood that we are changed forever physically, mentally, and spiritually. One thing is for sure, we can't go back and can only go forward, maybe in some ways worse and in some ways better. Forever changed.

  This year I put out three of the four gardens, I lost control of two. I had to try. Really for the first time, it's not that disappointing that I couldn't do it, given the extreme heat, yet I'm not sure I could have otherwise. I kind of like the extreme heat thing as an excuse though. I had two 600 ft rows of beans that never got picked, plus the backside of another 100 ft. Maybe they weren't suppose to be, I needed seeds since I didn't keep many last year. Thing is, a hundred years from now will it even matter? No. It won't matter in even ten years. What does matter is that I tried. It took me a few days though to figure that out and come to terms with it. I finally quit and worked on the dump truck, changed the starter switch on it. It wasn't as bad as I thought, dissembled the steering wheel and clean the contacts in it. Next year I may not put out a garden, if I do it will be a small one. My mom and Denise's parents got to enjoy fresh beans, cucumbers, garlic, and beans. That itself makes it worth the effort.

  Me and Megan attempted homemade Ketchup yesterday, we worked all day on making it. We started with a recipe in a book that didn't work too well. Made it by the book and the seasoning didn't work, burnt the pan up, lol. From there it became a taste test. Megan wanted to add more sugar and lemon, I got hooked on the Cinnamon, this thing ended with 3 lbs of brown and 3lbs of white sugar, 2 lemons, loads of Cinnamon, and I have no idea what other spices we tossed in, at least 8. Denise came home and we already had most everything cleaned up. She tasted it and hated it, said it was too spicy and sweet. It hit me that all the Grilling Sauce we've ever tried was either full of bad stuff and the healthy stuff sucked... and this tasted a lot like the bad stuff that tasted good. We ran to the store and bought some chicken, smothered it in it and grilled it. Denise still wouldn't admit she liked it but she ate enough of it and later said it was "OK". Took mom some and she loved it, not to mention Megan and me loved it. We had chicken and potato chip like things we made covered. Someone said we could make it and sell it, except neither one of us knows exactly what we put in it, lol.

  These are the things that matter, maybe not in a hundred years, but when I'm gone one day, these are the things that will go on mattering and live on with Megan. Memories, happy times, and the love. Cancer and the side effects from treatments can take away damn near everything we have... if we let it. When we don't, it cannot. When allowed, though we be changed forever, we can have and bring joy. Though we may not have power over everything, God grants us the power over the things that matter. And though we may fail at some things, we can always succeed at the important ones. The real ones that matter.