Thursday, December 30, 2010

12-31-2010

My last post for the year, next post will be in 2011. Funny, I didn't really think I would see this New Year come, but I'm still here. My old calendar comes down and my new Nasty Z28 Calendar goes up, and it begins with a 71 RS/SS.

  As I see the year ending my physical condition has improved in some ways, stayed the same in others, and worsen in a few. My front tooth broke off and one dentist said that without Saliva Glands working the rest probably would too. I have a dental appointment with another dentist 1-10-2011. Hopefully that news will change. I definitely will have to get a partial if not a full plate. The neuropathy varies from day to day, especially when I forget my pills. It hasn't changed better though. The spasms, cramps, whatever you call them have increased. Tonight I said to heck with it and done a full stretch, it felt good... for about two seconds. This time both legs in the large muscles. Sometimes they hit in my kidney area. Sometimes the feet, arms... you name it. Lots of pain in those. My throat still tightens up at night making breathing labored, but overall it has improved. I can tolerate a little more spices and seldom get stuff in my airway and up the nose is less frequent too. I still can't swallow pills very good. Usually I use Yahoo or Milk, sometimes Tea. 8 prescription pills in the mornings, 2 mid day, 1 evening, and 5 before bed, plus whatever vitamins I decide to take. Spoke too soon, just lodged a small Vitamin D right then. Denise helped me dislodge it. That went straight for the lungs. I can't get it totally dislodged but it's a capsule do it will dissolve quickly...I hope. The hearing I about the same but it does show some progress. That was supposedly a chemo side effect.

  I've found that extreme cold is about like heat... not too good. My thoughts on wondering if it's all gone or not are not present all the time like they were. As I get adjusted to the new me I am not as hard on myself for not getting done like I once did, but I still set goals a little higher after one is reached. I challenge myself, except in stairs, I don't do them well.

  As this year closes I am so very grateful for my family and friends. I realize that I have been and am blessed. For as bad as this was and has been there have been some great things came out of it, so I don't look back at this year as being a bad year. We enter in the New Year minus one, dad. I know though where he is he is great now, still I miss him. I had hopes that this year would see a conclusion to this disease but it hasn't. Another Cat Scan is in April, hopefully that one will say clean and good to go.

   Through all of this though God has blessed me with all of you, those who read this and those who don't but have remembered me in their prayers. If should it end tomorrow I die a wealthy man, not by the world's standards but by that which counts... God's.

  So Happy New Year, Thank You, and God Bless.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

12-24-2010

I really didn't expect to see this Christmas, but I made it so far. I didn't figure dad would be missing but I figure he has the best seat in the house. Today is mom's birthday, so

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Since I'm here I wish everybody a 

Merry Christmas

  And thank all those who have been through this with me, prayed for me, wished me good thoughts, and those who cared for me, my family, friends, medical providers, and kind strangers I've met along the way. 

So, from me and Jack, Merry Christmas and Thank You. 



Saturday, December 18, 2010

12-18-2010

Energy yesterday, and again today, neuropathy wasn't all that bad. We shopped all day and then went to the Christmas party tonight. It was a great day and night, right up until we got home. Broke another tooth off and right in the front bottom. I noticed that my gums and teeth, the ones I have left, are not looking too good. They seem to have never recovered. What a time of year and a day for it to break off. Six teeth on the bottom was all that was left after the chemo and radiation, now five. I perhaps should have had Sidney pull the all while he was doing it. It was the front lower middle. I thought at first it was just the cap, but when the cap came off I saw the tooth under it was broken. It was just hanging there so I thought I'd give Gorilla Glue a test run. We will see, but it doesn't seem to be working too great. Maybe by morning it will harden better. In a word... damn! Now I'm depressed again. Sometimes I wonder when it will get better, or when it will end. God knows, I'm trying to remain positive, but it's getting real hard to at times. Maybe I'll just end the last six on the bottom and get dentures. There again comes more pain. I just want a little quality, a little peace from pain. I hate taking all those pills and I want to go back like I was.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

12-15-2010

Just in case I forget to publish between now and Christmas, I had to do this song.

12-14-2010

Yea I know, this is coming out 12-15, lol. I awoke to a knot on the left side of my throat this morning about the size of a large strawberry, or a small apple, depending on what fruit you like. It was larger than my Adam's apple. I told Denise when we talked on the phone later, we always talk when she takes lunch. Tonight she examined my throat and it was gone. That of course is a good thing. The tumor was on the right side yet the left side was the said that suffered the most damage from the radiation. But early this morning, for a few sentences, I had my real voice back! Short lived but hey, it's a start. My hair is thinning out in front, but at least I still have some, hands down better than last year, lol. I've kept to my resolution, my hair hasn't been cut since it grew back. It still has some curl in it and just goes wild. It must look bad because when I inquired about one of Denise's gifts I kept getting told who had the cheapest ones, lol.

There has to be some relation to damp weather, especially cold damp weather and neuropathy, mine has been flaring. I still find it so hard to understand how my feet can be cold enough to hurt badly, the CTCL is so raw that the tops of my feet and ankles feel like they are on fire, the balls like a ball with spikes are digging into the bone in the ball of my foot.... and yet stay numb so as not to really know where I step. My hands and face have just stayed numb and the ankles don't seem to work too well.

Last year we didn't put a tree up, first time ever. I done my shopping using Annie to get Denise's gift, then Denise to get my family's side. It was all done over the phone. I was too weak to go to mom and dad's for Christmas and we couldn't have it back here because I have very little immunity. The phone was how I celebrated it with them. This year, though my body is a wreck, we have a tree and I've done my own shopping. I wear down and have to take a break, use to I wore everybody else down. Missing this year is dad, but I know he is celebrating it with us looking down with a big grin.

Ran across this the other day... I love it.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

12-08-2010

Today has been a bit different. While the new added BP pill has kept it down, it feels like it has kept me down too. 113/75. Denise said I will get use to it and that I had gotten use to the higher BP. The cold is still hanging on and towards the nighttime the neuropathy kicks in high gear. I did sleep well last night. My throat is the same as it was, maybe worse at times for soreness and and dryness. I don't much believe that the swelling is going down. Some nights I can eat good then other nights I get choked.

Tomorrow I feed the cows so that means freeze mu butt off again.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

12-07-2010

Well the steroids seem to be working... I'm getting fatter, lol. They do seem to be working on the swelling on my throat though. In the process of this my blood pressure went sky high. After it hit 194/104 (8), Rama decided I need another pill. This one normaled me out.

Monday, December 6, 2010

12-6-2010

Still have a bad cold but I think maybe it is beginning to turn since the Levaquin was started. I slept again on Sunday on and off all day. I suppose that I should be thankful that my throat was better enough to have a sore throat and know I have one. Still on Prednisone and it helps with the swelling inside but seems to not stay for long. Still, I awake sometimes from my throat closing off. It's a weird feeling yet one that I have grown use to over time. Funny what one can get use to. Blood work last week shows that my Thyroid is not functioning but my T3 & T4 levels still aren't off enough to start the medication Dr Beth says.

While I hate to admit it, the chemo brain or fog, whichever tern it is, is still bad. Maybe a little better because I realize just how bad lately. I've learned to just slow down and when I forget what I am doing somewhere to stall and hope it comes back to me. I have forgotten so much. Ever since the heart attack my short term memory has been off but now long and short term are compromised. It doesn't seem though to be any getting better. It gets embarrassing sometimes, most times.

Maybe it's the medication but twice now I have awoke to some pretty horrific dreams, and some weird dreams too. Daddy is in most of them and we are acting crazy like we use to yet I know in the dream he is gone. Tonight we played making faces at each other and smiling through a crowd. He was my only comfort from the crowd I had gotten myself into. In the dream I catch myself playing this silly game of leaning back and forth, making a face and smiling at each other like we did when we were out in a crowd and got separated, then I realized that I was the only one who could see him and had better stop before people thought I was nuts. Or the one where we talk at mom's and he tells me how to build a thing to stack my firewood on, and we're talking exact detail. We argued as he always overbuilt everything and I always cut corners, not a heated argument though. I spent some time and seeing how he only had a little time left to stay I told him I was going home so he and mom could have some alone time. I built it like he said to build it in the dream. The thing is holding more firewood that my design could have ever held, looks pretty good, and will probably out last me. I won't go over the third one in which there was no comfort. I have only been able to remember three so far. Strange, because I usually never dream or at least don't remember dreaming.

So here I set at 6am and will try and go back to bed. Another day.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

12-07-2010

Bad cold today. It has swelled my throat inside and outside, it is also sore, headache. The neuropathy hs been a booger. I'm sucking fumes today. My blood work came back abnormal for the thyroid gland. Beth says to wait but Denise moves forward.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

11-28-2010

I was messing around and went to the Biography Channel and found myself on a preview of the coming Beyond & Back. The link is here. http://www.biography.com/video.do?name=isurvivedbeyondandback

Denise still thinks I have pneumonia. I spent today mostly laying around, think yesterday was a bit much. Hopefully will be back on my game tomorrow. I done the Nette pot with Baby Shampoo and the mixture that you normally use like Dr Rathfoot said to do. Man I was doing so good there for a while, got a lot of stuff done. Tomorrow though is another day and things can change overnight, so I'll be positive and say that I can finish the leaves here, in mom's yard, and Marks'.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

11-23-2010

Well I finally achieved the goal of losing my voice, lol. Today me and Mark went on the hill, Mark was sawing me out a post from a Cedar Tree blown and broken. With the last few days my coordination is somewhat lacking as people seem to be noticing the gashes in my arms and knuckles. I swear my skin is like paper anymore and my blood thin as water. It just seemed smart to get Mark to run a chainsaw. Red Devil, dad's last animal left alive was just dead, still warm to the touch. I went home and got the tractor to bury her and about 1/2 way through the digging the storm came. By the time I got home even my underwear was soaked, probably TMI there, lol. That was one cold, wet rain. So here I am tonight, voiceless... I think Denise enjoys the quiet, lol.

For that last week or two it seems like I'm getting back to the extreme fatigue. It is almost like Narcalism. Then it again it may be just like it, I have never read about it. Either way though, I get a few warnings then I'm gone but never for too long usually. I don't feel bad these day but not good either. Swallowing has decreased somewhat over the last month or so too.

This video I found today while I was drying out is for those in the family that went ahead. this is the first Thanksgiving without dad.

Monday, November 22, 2010

11-22-2010

Another day. One should think I'm use to it by now... but I'm not. I have been having even more memory and hearing problems. They say it is the chemo. I paid Mark to saw my trees, looks like I do enough damage with the hammer, lol. The neuropathy is as it was, no better no worse.

I pushed myself 2 or 3 days in a round, 1 in particular. It is funny how today I just couldn't get nothing right and the few times I did, I forgot what I done with it, lol. There is this severe fatigue that comes over me that has came back. It always gives me a warning of about 3-5 times... then I am out. Truth be told after the second one I have little memory of this between it and the final one.

Today I was worn out and when Denise woke me up for my pills I crashed. I woke up the 2nd time and I was sick as a dawg. I ran to Hardees for a biscuit and after a long while went back ok. All but my throat still rare from the acid reflux.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

11-17-2010

Well, good lessen today. No More Hot Dogs with Chili. My throat was feeling a bit better, breathing was getting a bit better, and then boom ...a stroke of pure stupidity came over me and I ate not one but two hot dogs. Tonight my throat has been hurting a bit more than usual but not as much as it did.

Today the neuropathy is better than it has been. Maybe thinking missing a dose a couple of times each day may have attributed to it. I still think though that the pressure that builds before a rain along with dampness has some effect on it.

The Chemo Fog, Chemo Brain, whatever one calls it seems worse these last few days. Not that being 50 helps any, lol. I have been somewhat worried though. Not that I'm the brightest bulb on the tree but I've really pulled some doozies. I had two nights of very little sleep but last night slept like a baby and about 6 hours too. No nightmares or dreams, just sleep.

I have a few friends that I talk to on the web and lately added another friend, Dea. She will be on the same show the same night that we will. Seems a very nice lady. She wrote a book about her experience and mailed me a copy. I hope to start it this weekend. Then I talk with Cathy, a good friend that researches the same stuff that I do, also a nice person. Then Sally, whom I have talked to for years and consider one of my best friends on earth. She has CTCL too. I can't help but laugh sometimes at Denise. If Sally hasn't wrote before she goes to bed that is the first thing she does, check the email. I think this is Sally's second Thanksgiving without Aubra, he also had CTCL. It is our first one without dad here. Last year at this time I was looking so forward to eating, it hit right between Chemos. I didn't figure on keeping it down, couldn't taste it physically... but I remembered the taste.

Denise often asks why I don't get mad very often. The kids I drive up the wall with never let the sun go down on you mad. I had been told that by Annie and Papa, think we all were. Life is too short without wasting time on being mad. Spoken words cannot be unspoken for even if the offended person forgives they will ring out in your mind and life guarantees nobody the next breath. What God gives us is each other for only that breath with no guarantee that we will have time to undo that which we regret later. No guarantee there will be another happy moment and moments are just that moments. We choose how we will spend them.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

11-11-2010

Ok, it's actually now officially 11-12-10 and I'm still up. Eating none the less. Prednisone or bad habits? I goofed off today, no leaves, no bush hogging, just pure trouble. Me and Bill went after a 65 ragtop (stressing that word) Corvair. We went to a lot of trouble to hide it, but then she asked, and my big mouth opened. I would not make a good politician, lol.

Not as tight in my breathing tonight, but still hard to do. Possibly the laughing while spewing Mt Dew coming out of my nose may have helped. Sorry about that Bill, if that had been me who had the accident I'd have laughed anyway. The look on his face when the bungee cord snapped, just too much.

The CTCL is raging lately. My foot looks and feel like it has been dipped in acid and more plaques coming out on the body on the legs and arms. I need to go back to taking the herbs and maybe do some NBUVB treatments, something I'd rather not do with my neck. Maybe a shield? Beats Interferon though.

Tomorrow maybe blow leaves off the roof, provided the neuropathy backs off. I tried that about two days ago, didn't work too well. I'm assuming the only way to know one's limits is by finding them. God knows I've done enough of that in my life, lol.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I Survived...Beyond and Back - update

I got an update with the date it will air on and a lot of people had asked when it comes on. Below is a copy that I got today from Lauren. I tell you, this has been a nice company to have the honor of working with.

“Dear Anthony,
Thank you for sharing your story for our series "I Survived...Beyond and Back." Your episode will premiere on BIO on Sunday, January 9 at 10 PM ET/9PM CT/8PM MT/7PM PT. Please check your local listings and at www.bio.com as there are often last minute scheduling changes that are out of our control. Often people ask where BIO is in their area, and my suggestion is to check on http://www.tvguide.com/Listings/ where you can input your zip code and your cable provider.

"I Survived... Beyond and Back” is a follow up series to “I Survived…,” which is in its 6th season and also airs on BIO Channel. Some of our survivors from “I Survived…” have been featured on local and national television, radio, print and the web, so please let us know if you are amenable to press opportunities. We will be doing local press outreach in your market. If there is a specific paper, local television or radio station or outlet you would like us to reach out to about the premiere of your episodes, please let us know. If you've done press in the past related to your story, please also let us know and we will follow up with that reporter/outlet to see if they are interested in catching up with you and helping to promote your episode's airing.

I cannot make any promises but if you have a website or a book or something related to your story of survival please pass that information along to us and we will do our best to ask our website if they can include something on our site.

At BIO we prove that the truth about people is always more entertaining than fiction, so thank you for sharing your true story with us and our viewers!

Best,
LaurĂ©n”

11-09-2010 Dr Rathfoot Follow-up

First off, Happy Birthday Josh... number 10. (my oldest grandson).

We went early this morning for a follow-up visit with Dr Rathfoot, a well awaited thing for me. Good news and bad news. Good news- He scoped me and saw no tumor. Bad news- I'm swelled enough that my airflow is restricted so he did not inject the medicine, he wants to wait until I have done 3 months of steroids first. He said that a mold had gotten in and created inflammation. I weighed in at 200lbs! Time to either grow taller or diet.Imagine me after 3 months of steroids. I will probably be able to find work being the "Before" picture, lol.

I've been back at having a hard time breathing, especially at night. Somethings, often times, I awake to not being able to breathe. Three days of bush hogging a field and my reward is three months of steroids. Wonder what working the last few days in leaves will get me, lol. I don't lack much more but I'm going to do mom's too... she just don't know it yet. So once again we learn our limits but how else would one know the limit with testing the limit? We don't.

I will have a special message with info on the TV Show in a separate post.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

11-07-2010

I blew leaves a couple of days ago and still a bit down. I lost most of my voice again, still gone. I also ended up taking some pain meds, not a good thing. Other than that though, I'm doing ok. I'm still trying to come off the Gabapintin (misspelled) but I keep trying. It is hard to sleep at night lately. Part of that is the pain in my knees, shoulders and neck.

I go back to Rathfoot for a follow-up this week. They are suppose to have a machine whee they can inject the inside going through the outside as opposed to surgery. It sounds painful but probably no more painful than the other way... crossing my fingers on that one, lol.

My hair is back thin up front, maybe thinner than it was, but the back is still thick and curly.

I'm still having to watch what I swallow and swallowing itself, but not as bad. I also have to watch for heavily spiced food, especially pepper. At night it feels like a belt is tight around my neck and hard to breathe at times.

I've gained a bit too much weight, so that is the next thing to work on.

Friday, October 29, 2010

10-29-10

We got the garlic planted, even though the soil was wet. I also placed straw down in the chicken house to calm the dust. Not my first choice but it was done anyway.

I'm still weak. Yesterday I got much of nothing done and again today, more of the same. No energy, no strength, no stamina... I am tired. I've still kept on and off the last two days a migraine, but at least it wasn't continual as it has been. I blew blood out of my right side of my nose this morning, maybe that is where the problem is. I'm still taking Kim's advice, allergy pill and Musenix (misspelled) and it has helped. I'm just so tired.

The big part on my finger came loose more today so I went ahead and cut the dead looking part off. Still, all in all, it don't look too bad.

Been watching the banana plant and it is working on having some bananas! Now if the rest would take heed, lol. I can't wait. These will be my first ones after all these years.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

10-25-2010

I've slept most all the day, going in and out. Same tonight too, just happen to wake up long enough to long in. I took some left over Bactin Double Strength, something I had taken before. This time though I had a bad reaction to it. I broke out all over and my throat swelled almost closed. I've kept Bendyrl in my system that seems to have helped with it.

The pain in my throat seem to be getting better, I suspect the chewing gum Dentene. So I've stopped that. The migraine backs off with Excedrin Migraine pills. Very weak and when the meds wear off I'm up and wishing that I wasn't. Extreme pain in my head, eyes, shoulders, and neck. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Kim brought up a good idea, maybe it was all the mowing as weeds had grown as large as the tractor. I still have about 15 acres to go so maybe a mask is in order. So tired.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

10-23-2010

Today has been a down day which I'm guessing was overdo. Strange, I have a pain, localized to the point of actually pointing it with a finger in the right side of my larynx. This is the third day of it but by far the most intense. This is the first day though I've had to resort back to pain medicine to relieve the pain. I've bush hogged for two days, Thursday and Friday. Thursday I failed to use sunblock, maybe partly the reason for the swelling feeling around my throat inside. Denise looked at my throat tonight and said she could see the swelling on the right side. This has been the second day as well for a migraine. Then again, sinuses have acted up as well.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

10-18-2010

It's almost 3am and again here I set. I've even taken an sleeping pill and nothing. I'm wore of by unable to sleep again, so I figured I might as well do something.

The stitches are gone from my finger. I did lose a couple of big pieces but overall not too bad. I've kept busy pushing new limits. At times it doesn't seem that I get anywhere. I can bust butt for a couple or three days and then have to recuperate for a day or two, but I keep trying.

The side effects still remain and show no sign of backing off. The hair is backing off though, thinner than ever up front, lol. It still has body and curl to it. I get a few giggles at it the way it is everywhere, but that's ok with me.

Tomorrow Mark and me will load calves, something that I am a bit worried about for the first time. I'm not sure just how much strength I have when it comes to taking on a 500lb pissed off calf anymore, but we will see. It may go smooth as silk.

I have a health site that wants me to make videos for them to have on their site. She says just the facts and I am having a hard time with just medical facts. I still believe that faith is the key factor. I'll make them starting sometimes this week or next, but they will have to be true to what it is and what it is not. Even the doctors I have say that faith has played a big part in this. That is not to say though that if someone fails that they lacked faith. God is the ultimate decider.

Well, lets flop around some more.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

10-14-2010

I bragged too soon, lol. Today caught up with me finally and I spent the morning in bed. Bad leg cramps, actually muscle spasms mixed with heavy fatigue and loss of balance. Not bad though considering I had a good run of several days in good shape.

I spent the remained of the day under a cattle trailer still working on the wiring, what a pain. It is fun though. I also checked out my chicken coop now armed with interior lights that will hopefully keep the eggs coming during the short sunlight hours this winter. They are solar lights, 2 inside and 1 on the pathway to it.

I'll back off Sunday and maybe partly Monday so that I will have enough energy, God willing, to take the calves off. Usually we get Jerry to come after them but Mark says he will take them this time. I don't think there are over 2 or 3 that will go 500lbs, something I never worried about before, this time though maybe a little. I'm not sure just how strong I am, but I'm gonna try.

I go back to the doctor tomorrow to see if he wants to take the stitches out yet. Today made 3 weeks. Think I may have accidentally removed most of on, lol.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

10-12-2010

I've done good lately. We went on a benefit ride for Chad & Lori. Chad has cancer so please remember him and her in your prayers. Denise was afraid I wouldn't hold up but I done great! I didn't do anything Friday and not a whole lot Thursday in preparation for it. I think we really needed that, both of us. It was so beautiful and to be out with friends, on bikes... it just don't get much better. Denise crashed when we got home, lol. I however, fed the chickens and the orphaned kittens and then played on the web. Sunday I chilled a bit but went right back at it, a bit slower though.

Today I planned to work again on the outbuilding but the neuropathy was pretty rough and somehow climbing a ladder just didn't seem smart. I'm not sure what triggers it to be worse some days but there has to be something. The CTCL is acting up again. If it continues I'll do some NBUVB treatments, though with my neck I really don't want to.

I keep looking at the stitches in my finger. Dr Schindler done some fancy sewing. I'm still not sure if I can get one of them out, the others are easy though. Tip of the finger is a bit numb, more than the rest.

My side effects or whatever you call them have showed no sign of improvement except the voice. Yesterday it was bad but today I almost sound normal again. Go figure. One thing is for sure, the weight is back. I'm 215 now. Why is it the last thing to go was fat and the first thing to come back was fat. A good side effect though is I have curly hair, and it is getting long. I've decided no haircut this year. Sorry Jackie sue, lol.

Friday, October 8, 2010

10-08-2010 Follow-up with dr. Panella on Cat Scan

I had my follow-up with Panella today and it went good in most ways. Denise took me there as she usually does and went with me. Dr Panella opened the door and asked if we minded talking to an Intern first. We were good with that, everybody has to learn and he done a good job. Looks as if he will turn out good if he continues like Panella is teaching him, but I think he wasn't sure just how blunt to be.

Panella then came in. The CT Scan showed the mass as large as it was, no change, 4.7 cms I believe. This time however it looked differently and the formation or something wasn't showing solid. He believes like Dr Rathfoot said that it is Radiation damage. He said that there was a slight concern but minimal. The lungs showed a few nodules but he said that was typical here in East Tennessee. Because of them and the throat though he ordered another CT Scan in April.

Then we discussed the aftermath of the treatments. He said that because of the severity of the reaction to the Taxotere and the radiation over burn that I will take longer for the aftermath to leave and that I may be left with some of it forever. The aftermath being neuropathy in the hands, feet and face. A hissing in the ears that varies from annoying to partially blocking sound. Chemo fog or brain, however one wished to term it. Some vision loss. A course voice that fades as I use it. The saliva glands not working properly. Problems with sun exposure to the neck. Hard time swallowing some things and breathing at times (so far, mostly in the heat). Finally, last but not least... fatigue.

All of these though are acceptable and were discussed up front for the most part. They may decide to cut away some of the scar tissue from the radiation which might help, but that is for them to decide. I can work on the fatigue, strength, and stamina. It may take a while but it is a goal. This leads occasionally to depression so I need to watch what I expect. The rest I will deal with what I have left and how to compensate for what I haven't. Somewhere there is a balance point, I just have to find it, but it's there. All in all we are calling this a good day and a blessing from God. I ain't got a clue why or what He is doing but I'm here for the ride.

I seen people in the waiting area, some just beginning the battle, some like me, praying it stops now, and some, God love them, in the midst of the battle. There is an unspoken connection there somewhere. I feel comfortable being around them. There sat a beautiful young lady with he dad, all he hair removed and her skin what we called the Chemo color. Her eyes were still bright though, full of hope yet one could catch a glimpse of fear. A middle aged lady wearing a hat to cover he head with no hair. She too was beautiful once and still an attractive lady that will be beautiful yet again, even more so as she will grow inside. One man though looked bad, skinny and extremely weak. I think we went to school together. Yet he walked when called with cane in hand the best his body would carry him. From his looks I'm guessing the prognosis wasn't good, yet his eyes showed intelligence and kindness, fear, and pain... and a little dash of hope.

I stopped, as I always do to see everybody at the Chemo Hut to see the ladies, Sandra in particular, and give her a hug. They were all so good to me. I have memories of people coming in and saying high after they were done... it always gave me hope.

It is not that. I look back and thank God for all He did. He led me to great Doctors and nurses, and a great hospital, actually two of them. Great friends and especially a great family. I look at Denise after all these years and wonder just what she sees in me. She is so smart and beautiful. So God has so well blessed me. I just wish dad had of lived to see me get to this point, but I'm sure he sees me, they all do.

I get a break until next month. Then I see Rathfoot. Until then though we take it one day at a time. I will work with what I have and learn to work around what I have not. If God has wanted to get my attention these last 5 years, my ears are open now.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

10-05-2010

I had a new CT Scan done yesterday. I'm not sure if they done the head but I believe she said they did. This time for sure though they done the neck and lungs. One thing that may have an impact is this cold that I've had for the second week now. Megan has had it too. It goes better than worse, back and forth it seems. I've waited to see if my body can heal itself but it hasn't. Last night Megan said she wanted to go to the doctor. Today we did just that. we both have all the same symptoms except she was blowing out blood and I wasn't. I have a chest infection where she doesn't, and she had a low grade fever and I didn't. Went that path over the weekend. Both of us have sore throats, something I've had enough to last me a lifetime of.

Also had him look at my finger, which he was very impressed at the healing. He said i still needed to leave the stitches in for at least a few more days. Minimum, about 14 days. It's still extremely sore to the touch and especially to the bump, lol, which I seem to be good at. Ever notice the part that hurts is the part that you mash, slam, bump, or rub wrong? There is nothing that I haven't hit that one finger on. I'm not sure if there is a method to these stitches or not, but they look complicated. Nothing like the ones I've had in the past. I may have to have them taken out.

So we look towards the week's end to find out the results of the CAT Scan.

Denise brings home everything she can that has Michael Douglas or Cathrine Zeta Jones on it. She especially looks at any pictures and already on one she could see the burn lines on his neck even above his neck. In addition to what is called the Chemo Color. Our prayers are with them all.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

09-28-2010

Been a few days since my last post. As it gets better the posts will be fewer. I've finally caught the cold, flu, or whatever that sinus/throat/chest thing going around is. I guess I done well to avoid it this long. One thing is for sure, at least I felt good enough to know I feel bad. Just to keep it on a positive.

Next week will be week two and my stitches will be out of my finger, and the toe stays put so I'm not stepping on it anymore, lol. I'm debating on taking the stitches out myself. One though is weird looking, so maybe not. I didn't realize that I had removed that much of the side of the fingernail with it. Minor though. It'll heal.

So, my hair is still a bit curly and what isn't has body to it, but it's slowly going back thin in front and straight as a stick. It was nice while it lasted.

As for swallowing, I still sometimes get things stuck and sometimes, though less than ever, they head up my nose. There is an art to getting that dislodged without aspirating, it becomes a timing thing. Strange what one gets use to. Over a slight period of time I can eat more and more spicier foods with my throat, just don't like re-eating it with acid reflux. I still will not go near a Coke. I do however drink Mt Dews now, also not a good thing.

Next week I have the Cat Scan on my lungs, something that was suppose to be done when they scanned my throat and brain but failed to do, lack of communication. Hopefully this virus/flu/whatever will be long gone. The reason given was this type and location of cancer they say follows a tree? Head, throat, lungs. Hopefully that tree is burnt clean.

The latest blood work shows my thyroid Gland still within normal range, which is shocking, but gladly accepted. It was suppose to be completely burnt out and now that I have bragged, it probably is, lol.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

09-22-2010

Well they say all good things must come to an end... and today they did. I've pushed the limits with this neuropathy in my hands, feet, and to some extend, face... but the hands won, lol. The Chicken Coop was put on temporary hold until Denise got home for the finishing nails to be driven. I mashed the side of my index finger pretty much off, but it was still attached somewhat, so all is good. Now that I felt. I called Denise who said go to Schindler, so I did. Three stitches and part may or may not be able to be saved, but we're gonna try. I have to go back Friday to have the wound checked.

The whole day started that way. Went for blood work and a new lady took 8-10 stabs at a vein. The lady that use to be there, one stick, pretty much painless. I wasn't sure if she was trying to sew me up or draw blood. Then the coop, but the chickens and Guineas are all in there tonight. Then it came time for Megan to get home and off we went to catch the run-a-way Llama. Should I mention it is a stupid one too? Only to be surpassed by my stupidity, lol. After about 15 to 2o acres of walking through the woods, in the fields that were in tall grass and very unlevel, the numbing wore off my finger. The thought crossed my mind about then. I have to see where I'm stepping, couldn't do that there. Heart rate up and I think I grew another heart beat in my finger. Not once but three times we walked it back over, and at times ran. This thing should in a Marathon. So we gave up. Now tonight I'm typing with basically one finger, usually I use two.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

09-19-2010

  Update. I still haven't started the throat cancer blog yet but I'm thinking calling it Head & Neck Cancer Blog. Thoughts anyone?

  Things are going decent. I still wear down easily but I'm working at stamina. I've kept busy working on the Chicken Coop, so far, it's took far longer than I use to be able to build it, have to take a lot of breaks. Speaking of breaks, broke one toe so far, lol. Not exactly sure how or when. It could have been carrying the 2x4s of the few times I've about fell off the ladder. Thought I'd broke my thumb but I think I just bruised the bone, it still works. This is when having neuropathy really helps, lol. It does hurt some when I step on the toe, lol.

  My hair is still curly. I wouldn't mind if it stayed that way. My saliva glands are trying to work, but not quite there yet. I'm still using a funky looking hat and sunscreen on my neck. At this stage there are good and bad days but the good days are beginning to equal the bad ones and that is a good thing. Before you know it they will pass the bad days. I'm working on building back strength and muscle. Muscle was the first thing to go. My voice comes and goes for better or worse. I watch spicy foods, and most that I use to eat that I thought wasn't spicy is now.

  I've attempted to stabilize my weight, note the word attempted, lol. As my taste slowly comes back I eat more and more. Still no (you might want to set down on this one) Dr Peppers. I do like the Throwback Mt Dews though.

  I never thought I'd be here at this time last year. Then I wondered how I would be if I was here. I'm back to getting sweaty and dirty... love that. I see what ramifications this has had and the toll it took on not just me, but my family, friends, house, and farm. I have so very much to do. I went up on the farm this weekend and didn't recognize it, weeds were everywhere. That will take a while to get back into shape. When the heat dies back a bit and I'm done with the coop, I really need to bushhog the farm badly. The cows all greeted me, a bit too much, lol. I got licked and butted, knocked down and loved. They haven't seen me but once in a year, but they remembered me. The work to be done looks overwhelming now and I wonder how I done all that before, yet I pray I will be able to do it again. It is nice to be needed. I thank God for everyday.

  I know there are a few that read this, especially one, that has the same kind or similar throat cancer I had and in the same stage. Have faith. Have faith in God, in your ability to heal through the ones that God has brought you to and surrounded you with. Bear in mind that it is up to Him and that you are not being punished, tested, or anything else. Win or lose, fight the good fight, but never walk alone. That is our choice. We can fight and ask for help, or fight alone. I have no idea why I am breathing, that is two cancers and a heart attack. Live, love, laugh, each day as if it were your last. We are all dieing from that first breathe we take in this world. Some of us are blessed enough to realize it.



         

Friday, September 17, 2010

09-17-2010

Goofed off yesterday. I think all the small activity got to me a bit. I woke up about 5am in the Den, with a headache, lol. Caffeine headache, maybe, forgot to do that yesterday. Maybe today wire in the Coop, should have done that yesterday. Need to build the door too. Funny, I am use to doing and doing and now I do some then pay for it a couple of days... but I'm working on building back. Frustration.

  This part is hard to grasp. I've always been a workaholic and now? That causes anxiety and sometimes depression. Physically though, other than the occasional throat swelling and hard to breathe at times, I'm guessing from the narrowed throat from the radiation scars inside, I'm good. I still have to watch colds and shake at someone sneezing... and there seems to be a lot of people doing just that along with coughing, So I avoid being in close public situations. I love how someone will sneeze in their hand then offer to shake, lol.

  Dentyne gum for some reason helps the saliva glands to try and work. Strange. If I could only find it without Aspartame in it. Seems I trade one bad thing for another on that. It does get me through a store shopping thing without carrying water or some kind of liquid.

  Well, we will see what today brings, challenge or conquest.         

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

08-14-2010

  I'm slow but building steam a little each day. The Bactrim stopped tonight, last pill. Thank God, I almost always got choked on that one every time I did it. Much to Denise's surprise I've been climbing a ladder to work on the top of the new Chicken Coop. Just about 2 years ago I could have had it done in 2 weekends, I have worked on it 3 weeks (but not every day). I still ain't half way done yet, lol. With the neuropathy I just watch which step I'm on, think I may have broken a toe today, oh well, it'll heal. I still have that Godfather sounding voice but it does really well at the start of the day. As I speak though I slowly lose it and go right back to Marlon Brando.

  My weight is back...too much back, lol. My hair is still curly but the front has thinned back out again. I'm tired a lot, but I guess that goes along with it. Those who have read this from the beginning know that this in minor. I still have a lot of muscles to build back.  

Friday, September 10, 2010

09-09-2010

  It Friday... well that use to mean something, lol. I've spent the week healing up a bit. It would seem that the sunblock wore off quicker than I expected. My neck has hurt like no other up until today. Like a hot iron had been placed all around it. It took about 3 days to get my energy back, bear in mind though that is with a nasty sinus infection, so I figure that I have done good.

I've played with the new Chicken Coop, and I do mean played, lol. It isn't much farther along that it was when I started. It's a new experience climbing a ladder with neuropathy, but I've done it... so far. They are going to feel like the Beverly Hillbillies when they get to move in it. We went Monday to the First Monday and bought 5 new laying hens and 9 Guineas, spent almost 100 bucks. I think buying eggs at the store would be cheaper, then again, the Salmonella thing... maybe not. I got the Tobacco sticks picked up out of the garden and piled up on a pallet for next year's use. Soon it will be time to plant the Garlic.

  Kim came up with a good idea and I am planning on getting a FaceBook started on cancer. It will focus on Head & Neck cancer. Maybe it will help someone. I started it out then I forget what got me sidetracked. I at least have something to blame the brain functions on now, chemo. Before it was just called scatter-brained. 

Spent today goofing off. I talked with Megan's councilors at school and we have that worked out. They were more than receptive. Thanks to Dale and Terry for pointing out things I didn't think about and when I presented it to them, they hadn't thought about that either. So now Megan will have notes, either from a teacher or a student and anything on TV will be played with Closed Caption. If CC isn't available then she will get notes on what she just watched. I had not thought about how hard it would be reading lips and trying to write down notes. Thank you Dale and Terry.   

  Most of the fingernails and toes nails have grown out of the dead ring in them. I've gained weight from the steroids. The neuropathy still rages. The chemo brain or chemo fog is still very active. I still have a hard time swallowing most times and certain things are off limits due to pain. That includes sun. The hissing in my ears is a bit less. The energy level is slowly coming back, but when I hit that wall, I hit hard. I worried, though I didn't mention it, about getting back home safely on our ride. If I went down and it was just me wouldn't be so bad but with Denise on there, that was scary. I wouldn't want to harm her. Overall I think I am slowly getting there.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

09-05-2010

We finally went on a decent bike ride to The Pinnacle in Cumberland Gap. man was it pretty. We rode with Missy & Richard, and Dale and Anna. Funny, all three were Kawasaki Vulcans. That was a well needed ride for both Denise and me. My butt is sore, lol. Coming back though I hid a wall again, only this time a massive headache, pretty much a Migraine. I started with it this morning and it still is raging. I've taken two Tylenol for the pain. Man it is good to use that again instead of the hard stuff. I just can't figure out how to build back my stamina... but I will, lol. I've pretty much just laid here tonight.




I know, we look Wild Hogs, lol

  There is a benefit ride for Chad, he too has cancer, Proceeds from that ride go to him. 15.00 per bike, even with 2 people on it.  

Friday, September 3, 2010

09-03-2010 Follow-up with Dr. Rathfoot

Today was the follow-up with Dr Rathfoot. He scoped me on both sides and was pleased with what he saw. He sees no cancer there and the injections were successful. In two months I got back again and if the remaining parts that are still swollen he will do injection in those areas. He said he couldn't inject all that was swollen because it would have created too much swelling and closed my throat off. He also found I have a sinus infection and I still have some infection from the ventilator.

He talked more about the surgery and said what I did not see was the equipment for a tracheotomy setting behind my bed. Dr Rathfoot said that what has happened is nothing short of a Miracle from God. He says that faith is what has made a huge difference in my case. Good attitude, and a lot of faith in God. He leaves out himself and the other doctors who I think played a large role in this. I could have went to many doctors but God chose these doctors and nurses to send me to, and instilled the knowledge to do great things. That and the ones like Kim who I could not have went without her guidance. Then there are my family and friends (both new and old). The churches having me on their prayer lists. The radio station I began to listen to, 106.9 The Light. It all seemed to click with guided hands as I believe it was. Everybody done the P.U.S.H. Pray Until Something Happens, and it worked.

There is collateral damage that I will have to work through, but that is to be expected. I think I have grown some from this, God I hope so. I know that I deserved none of the good things and all the bad. There is a humbling that a person reaches... and that ain't a bad thing. By all rights I should have been dead a long time ago, yet I'm not. Now if I can just figure out what I am suppose to do, why I am still here.

I will continue the blog until I get a clean bill of health and the side effects are gone. I would like to thank all of you who prayed and had positive thoughts, gave me advice, worked on me, and stood by me, even when I did not stand by myself. I would like to ask one more favor. It is a man who's name was not disclosed ad has cancer just like mine. If you would remember him in your prayers tonight as I will. To help him heal, have faith in God, be positive, and be strong.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

08-31-2010

I still have an infection in my chest or throat, not sure which. At first I thought that it was stemmed from the ventilator tube but Megan has it as does Missy. From that I assume that it isn't coming from the event. Megan says that lots of kids are sick in school. It makes me wonder what is wrong these days, we didn't stay sick like that back 30 years ago.

I worked outside but had to take breaks fairly often, the last one though I completely pushed myself out of aggravation from not able to get as much done as I needed to without breaks. That one dropped me like a rock. I slept for about 2 hours. It's almost like narcolepsy. Plus I think the heat swelled my throat up, something did and it still is. This gets old after a while. Not much stamina either. I found out today just how much strength I've lost too.

Monday, August 30, 2010

August 31-2010 Dr Green Follow-up

Despite Denise not wanting to keep the appointment with Dr Green, I wanted to go. She is still irritated at him for the over burn. Me, I'm just thankful the cancer was burned out, provided I get to keep my voice box. Marlon Brando isn't so bad, lol. The side effects are debilitating most days though. Still, I needed his opinion. This man does not mince words, yet he is a kind man and a great Radiation doctor. I highly value his opinion.

Before we left, I took all my pills (when these end one day, God willing, there will be massive factory lay-offs lol), then one additional one, a pain pill. The first I've taken in a while. I swear I think I got a buzz, lol. Usually Dr Green scopes me and he uses nothing to numb you with. While he says he is good, and he is good, there are still more pain involved that he knows. Today though, he decided not to. So I got stoned for nothing, lol. He felt around and gave me a good report, except the rattles in my lungs, maybe an infection from the ventilator they used in surgery.

I slept pretty much all weekend from the infection. It must be something catching, Megan and Missy have it too. But it is all good.

My costs to this have been a dead thyroid gland, loads of scare tissue, infections, neuropathy, and at times pain. The Chemo Fog, and with the pills to curb the pain of the neuropathy, my balance is lost. I still have doubts of depression and heavy fatigue.

In spit of all this though, I breathe. I have hair again. I live, just not as full as it was.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

08-26-2010

  I've stayed in today pretty much other than disposing of a opossum at Matt & Misty's house. No more sleep than I got I didn't have to brush the blood and puss out of my mouth but man is it ever sore. Still, no pain meds. I think I got this. Plus I ended up at the bookstore here in town and I bought a recipe book and two natural health treatment books. It wasn't as hot but what heat was there caused swelling in my throat. I have had about 2 1/2 hours of sleep. I don't know why I woke up at 4:30am. I got Matt, Charlie, and myself breakfast and delivered each their own. I didn't make it back in time to keep from getting sick from all the medication though. I may have to try something new tomorrow. Then just goofed off on the web. I need to slack off on that a bit. I got a new book in today, the last of four I ordered. Maybe this winter I'll get off my butt and build the new bookcase in the Living Room. there will be two of them that will be about 4 feet wide and 7 feet tall.

  The last Llama we have left is about to be joined with company, we're getting her a mate. It will not be long until time to catch up the calves and sell them and get the hay in which I should have already gotten. I've had a full plate this year though, or that is my excuse anyway, lol. I need to get the Sunroom tile done and I'd like to pour a pad outside the garage door about 29x 29 of concrete. It's hard to get decent concrete people so I will o it myself, I'm not crazy about how the last pour turned out. I've talked with Mark and I'll hire him to help me lay the block inside the basement. If he can bring them to me I'll lay them. I can't remember if I ever taught anybody else that.

  I'm hoping that maybe tomorrow I can at least get started taking the green bean seeds down, the ones that haven't went bad that is. In another month, maybe two, the Garlic will be here and it will need planting. I get to plant it this time. I have so much to do and I've gotten so far behind, but it waits for me, lol. Somehow I feel useful. If it involves dirt or getting dirty and sweaty I'm there... except i know i have to heal a little. That would be tomorrow, lol. It's 11:20 and even with a sleeping pill I am tired but not sleepy. Go figure. But it is a good day.

  By the time most will read this it will be morning, so how about some Morning music. The other is for celebration.


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

08-25-2010 The 2nd Biopsy

Well today was one of those high spots in this ride. We went this morning for the 2nd Biopsy, the first biopsy since the initial one that discovered the tumor. Dr Rathfoot told Denise that he didn't take any samples because he sees no evidence of a tumor, just extreme radiation damage. While that sounds bad and is bad it is the lesser of two evils. From what he saw the Chemo and Radiation killed it! It also killed a lot of other things in the process. In a war there is always collateral damage, and this is part of that. While it is depressing to try and do what you once did or spend a day without pain, you are waking up on the green side of the grass, lol.

   I was a bit disappointing that the lady who came to pray with me, or rather for, didn't show up. As they injected the drug to put me under I managed to say the Lord's Prayer silently to God. Not out of fear but out of love.

He injected directly into several places a steroid called Kennalog (spelling?). Rathfoot prescribed more Prednisone (5mgx2 for 5 days), Cipro (500mgx1 for 10 days). At the next visit he was access if this has helped, I'm guessing.


If this does not work there is another option. To remove and repair the throat that he could do laser surgery and cut the scared tissue out. I'm not sure what all that entails. Hopefully not bad but it isn't a death sentence so again, it beats the alternative.



When I woke up I had an Endotracheal Tube in my throat breathing for me. It looked like dad's. I worried up until now if dad felt pain with this thing in his mouth, it has consumed my thoughts. Denise said they used this the first time but pulled it out before I awoke. The nurse was standing over me like lightening, asking questions. I couldn't speak but tried to and nodded, much like dad did. She told me that Dr Rathfoot had instructed them to wait until I woke up and make sure that I was breathing well before taking it out. It was confusing, scary, and I am thankful for this experience. I went to talk with mom and told her, she said she had the same worries. He answered two people today. I now know that it did not hurt him and when it was pulled there was no pain. Or at least, not that I experienced. I thank God for showing me that through this. God answers questions that he knows you need an answer to. Be careful what you ask God to know, least you find it out through experience. I am however, thankful He showed me.


Rather than take the pain meds as instructed I wanted to know what was sore, where it hurts. So I waited until the pain meds left my system before taking anything else. Not that I am into pain but I wanted to know where and just how bad. Plus I wanted to add no damage when I ate. My gum is sore on the lower part, like the skin has been stretch and tore a bit. The roof of the back of my mouth hurt, perhaps the equipment used going down? Then along the throat there are pin areas, I assume that is where the injections took place. Fatigue and weak plus the neuropathy, while the pain level is about the same, raising and lowering the feet and legs is an effort at best, clumsy at worse. My throat is a bit swelled and breathing is labored. All in all though, a tolerable pain to a certain extent and manageable with 10mg Lortab. The best part is that none of these are said to last hopefully and minuscule as to what it could have been.


So for now this hellish ride has a high spot once again. We ride the wave towards the beach, fully knowing that this ride is suppose to be rough and when we hit the beach the journey begins. Today we live and enjoy for yesterday is gone and tomorrow isn't here yet. We have enough to ponder today's events without borrowing troubles from tomorrow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyFxArMeRDI

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Daugher and dad go around the block on a Vulcan 1600 FI

08-24-2010

I got the yard mowed, Okra cut, and worked again on the boat with Matt. We have success on the switch, now the rest of it, lol. Then enjoyed a few Pears with the Llama. She is like her mom and dad. I ate Pears every year with them. I really need to get her a buddy. Everything is laid out for my biopsy. I dread it yet look forward to it. It would have been nice if it didn't need done. The pain has just now become tolerable without anything being used for the last couple of weeks.

  The neuropathy hasn't changed but the loud hissing in the ears have become less frequent now. After a heavy dose of predisone the swelling is less now, easier to breathe. I'm not sure what the answer is to the swelling and I don't think they do either. Balance has been off for a change more than usual. My hair is thinning and beginning to straighten out.

  This is an emotional roller coaster ride for all of us. I imagine just enjoy the high points and pray it ends soon. Oh yes, and me and Megan went around the block on the bike. I actually think the bike's vibration helps the neuropathy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-quOpUPVsLo

Thursday, August 19, 2010

08-19-2010

I got a call from St Mary's Hospital getting all the info down and ready. We went over all the drugs and supplements I take, bet she got writers cramp, lol. They put me on high dosage or predisome (and I can't spell that word) which has taken the swelling down and the pain along with it, for the most part.  Not near as much blood to get up in the morning, love that.

  The neuropathy is bad tonight and wasn't much better today. Sally said hers was worse too tonight. I keep wondering about the barometric pressure. There has to be something in common. If we just had more.

   I canceled the sleep study after talking with Kim. Rathfoot said he had not considered that my throat would not withstand the pressure and thought it was a good idea. Thank you once again Kim. And by the way, I am jealous. You and your husband rode the dragon. ME and Denise haven't gotten to do that yet.

  I have Megan lined up for a meeting with Art for her evaluation and then he will tell us what needs to be done. More importantly, he will tel the school. Thank you Dale. I dropped your name and he says you are THE BEST Interpreter there is. But we all knew that now didn't we. Megan and Terry talk on the web. Meeting Terry was good for her too, thank you. Megan sees now that she can function normally, well, as normal as she can. I think she likes him but he is a bit old for her. Nice boy though. You get time Dale I want a family picture made while there is still 5 generations left.

 I talked with Johnny today briefly at the funeral home just in case. That will keep Denise from spending a lot of money on it. Hopefully it will not come to that but it is better to be prepared. It would make it easier on her. Got April's seeds packed up and ready to go. She is such an inspiration.

We laughed over my name in the paper where I spoke at the county commission meeting. It feel on deaf ears though. I did get a long round of applause and some calls. I am considering a petition. people get the government they deserve. Hopefully our people will stand their ground.   

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

o8-17-2010

I went this morning and had an EKG and was checked out, which was ok. It is faxed along with clearance for the upcoming surgery next week. I can't remember how long I was out or how long I was down. Maybe they will tell me. Just so long as I don't wake up with an extra hole.

  I rode Denise then Megan on the bike Sunday, it was so much fun. I rode it today briefly. Just in case, I really need to get some stuff done outside, actual work done. Some pain today, but not too bad. Neuropathy though has been bad. 

  Pretty snazzy look now eh? I changed the skin on the Blogger. 

Friday, August 13, 2010

08-13-2010

  An appointment with Dr Rathfoot turned out much better today. While he isn't sure if cancer is in there, he says that he believes that it is just inflammation from the radiation. He said that my cartilage was lighting up from all the damage the radiation has done. He said that it looked like water balloons in my throat from the swelling. He mostly talked with Denise and I listened but I got lost. I knew that Denise could interpret to me what was said. Rathfoot took his time to explain and used a mirror instead of the scope, he said it gave him a panoramic view where the scope is better at specific views. I have no idea how he stuck that thing back in my throat without me gagging or throwing up, but he did. 

  This is a relief, almost like a vacation. It is the first time that Denise has had dry eyes in days. So we breathe a sign of relief for now. A biopsy is scheduled where he can take multiple samples. I asked for St Mary's because the lady that comes into the room and prays with and for you puts me at ease more. I think all hospitals should have this. I like UT but I don't think they do that there.

  I have had good doctors, save one. Panella, Rathfoot, and Green I would recommend to anybody no matter how this turns out. Behind the scenes though is one that has been a blessing, Kim. This lady is probably the smartest person I have met and if she ever decides to open an office I will be there begging for her to take me.

  So for now, we wait and take more prednisone and diflucan, plus the other junk. I think that makes me a total of about 11 pills. Most say not to take on an empty stomach, but after I take all that I'm pretty full, lol.       

Thursday, August 12, 2010

08-12-2010

Tomorrow we go back to Rathfoot for a scope. I'm assuming that he will set a date for another biopsy... we will see. It has been a food of emotions, a mixture too. So far I remain opposed to any surgery that will take the quality of life from me. I intended on putting up something that has the things I have taken, but Denise is fast asleep. Her eyes are puffy and she has felt the weight of this, so I will not wake her.

  Saliva: During the radiation and chemo I used Biotene for the lack of saliva. There are some other products but they just didn't quite work for me, have no idea why. It comes in a spray which I liked. A liquid which I wasn't crazy about. Toothpaste which I also wasn't crazy about. The stuff tastes like crap, lol. But it did not burn, as some of the others did.  I also ran two humidifiers in my room, I still run one.

  Sickness: I was prescribed Marinol, which is a pill that is medical marijuana. This was for sickness from the Chemo. The Phenergan stopped some of the sickness for a while, bt it couldn't stop it all. The radiation also made me sick. Before they prescribed it though I bought a Vaporizer and some marijuana. This is well worth looking into. I really didn't care what law says this is bad, it got me through it. I destroyed what was left after I made it through the radiation and chemo. But it helps.

  Pain: They kept me on a Morphine patch eventually along with 10mg Endocets for break through pain. Once again, Marijuana will help with the pain too. It also helps with depression. This illegal herb is just that, a herb. Those that have known me all my life knows that I never really cared for pot. This stuff is like anything else. It can be abused or used. It is not an evil weed. I changed my perspective on this stuff real fast. I later read that cooking it in certain foods helps. Problem with that is it can get stuck in the throat. Smoking it causes as much pain as it cures so a Vaporizer is the trick. You don't have to do it until you are stupidly high, just until the pain level and sickness leaves.

  I drank Ensure to keep my weight up, but it burnt like Hell. Anything with any Sodium does. I'll go back and edit when I think of more stuff. I loved how the Nutritionist kept on pushing fruit juice. News Flash: Anything with fruit hurts. It still does. Carbonated drinks hurt. Just do water and maybe some tea, but watch the tea, it is a diuretic and you don't need that. Still, tea has a smooth effect.

  Now on this here and now. I will wait and see what is what. I do know that something is impeding my airways, it has been for a while now. It could be an infection, it could be the cancer. If it is the cancer I will ask about a treatment I saw from France using medical grade baking soda. The doctor was fired when he was caught but it was well documented by the hospital he was working at. He obtained 100% cure. In this country though I doubt that it would be done.   

  I have wondered when this will end. Now it appears that it will end, just not that way I wanted. If it is a false positive reading then I will continue with spread out updates. If this is not and it is the cancer then I will continue to post until I am unable. So far those who have followed have seen me fight and attempt to be cured, if a cure isn't feasible then you will see what it is like to slowly die with this. Either way, I fight. I've too much stuff left to get done.   

08-12-2010

Happy Birthday Megan... 18 years old.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

08-11-2010

  We just got back from Panella who went over the scan. He was called out of the room before he could go over it with us. The report said that the disease has progressed. It shows something like 4.7mm, much larger than the 2.5mm I started with. Panella said I had a lot of damage inside from the radiation and that it might be what it is. He also went over removing the larynx, which I declined. He wants Rathfoot to take a better look inside once again, which I will let him do.

  Denise and I had a chat om the way back, she cried. Sometimes the answer is no. I asked her as I do the ones that know me to not let this shake their faith in God, He knows best. We pray and He hears us, so please pray. But if the answer He gives is no, while we don't always understand why, He does know best. I also asked her to not ask me to fight anymore if cancer is still here, I really don't think I can.  

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

08-10-2010

  I've paid today for yesterday's activity. I'm getting use to that. Today my neuropathy has been a little worse for wear and my throat has been painful, but not so bad as to take anything until tonight. I'd like to sleep as good as i did last night. usually I get up in the morning and still, my mouth is covered, if I'm lucky, with a thick coating. I think this may be where the saliva glands aren't working but maybe a bit. Once I get that crap brushed off and get my throat clear of that and blood, I'm good to go. Warm water helps get that done faster. At night I drink some tea because it helps to coat the mouth and throat. Biotene will but wears off quickly.

  Tomorrow I will get the results from the scan that was done Monday. That was the first scan done since the scan that revealed it was in the lymph node. It is one of those things where you want to know and you don't want to know. This should be my last doctor's visit until the end of the month when I see that radiation doctor again.

   The doctor I went to called and my levels are still within range even though the TSH is a bit high. She wants to wait until all are in line to start meds. In 6 weeks I need the blood work repeated on my thyroid. Thank you Kim for the referral. She is great. 

Saturday, August 7, 2010

08-07-10

  I think I'm backing up these days. This is day three and I got 2 hours of sleep last night. That means that within the last 3 days I have had about 6 hours of sleep. There is a lot of pain lately and swelling too. It has been almost a week now since my Rip Van Winkle episode of sleeping all day and still my tongue and mouth are sore. That extended sleep, while everybody said I needed it caused a lot of pain. Without being awake to constantly take in fluids my mouth and tongue dried out. I have a rumble and I've had it now for some time in my chest, maybe it is in my throat, who knows. I can make some of the weirdest noises when i breathe once again.

  I stay tired the last few days and haven't gotten much done. In a word, damn. Me and Megan yesterday though, did have fun. We shot between 50-100 rounds of ammo back in the woods. Megan is pretty good at shooting. William came back thinking something was up with his 44. Megan shot it and it kicked like a mule, lol. Well, it is almost 5am. Lets see what today brings.

3:39pm:

  Me and Matt went to the Newport Bargain House to get some cat food. He had never been and I kept telling them about you can get good deals on food wholesale there a lot of times. I use it to feed the little kittens that their mother died. How they ended up in one of the carports I have no idea. Not that I'm a cat person per say but I hate to see anything go hungry. We hit a few yard sales coming back and at one he had some old cars, really cool. He showed them to us. Our little trip went almost 3 hours, lol. We both came back with some tools and I got a cute small oil lantern. I figured that I would finish repairing the roof over the tool room then wire the new starter switch in the boat... not gonna happen though. While we were looking at the old cars I kept needing to spit and started spitting up blood. My throat is killing me. All I've eaten is a sandwich so I know it's not that. I feel run down all the sudden. I will have to wait until I gather enough energy to unload the tools. I will not mention it to Denise or the doctors and see if it quits. It must be placing pressure on the left ear nerve because it feels like a poker is sticking into my ear drum. I took a Lortab, it isn't helping much but it at least lessens the pain. I really don't want to do the Morphine again so I'm taking that option off the table. Makes me wonder when this will end. It has been over a year now and it is wearing me down physiologically.  

Riding The Throat Cancer Road: The Beginnings and Forenotes

Riding The Throat Cancer Road: The Beginnings and Forenotes

Thursday, August 5, 2010

08-05-2010

A new doc today, she seems ok so far. Smart and complete and nice for a change. Thank you Kim. She ordered some more blood work which I got drawn today. You would think I would be use to needles by now, I feel like a Porcupine, a fat one too, 209lbs! I gotta quit this gain.

My voice is some better, at least improving now since I don't have the patches. I think I was doing a lot and getting away with it pain wise. I attempted to eat a Chili Pup yesterday, got 1/2 of it eaten and then tossed it out and tossed in some pain meds. I use to could eat them without any pain or at least little pain. Amazing what Morphine will allow one to do, lol. Tonight we had Spaghetti, no stomach pills either. can you say acid reflux? After a Loratab failed, I did end up taking for the first time some Morphine after a few hours. I will assume that diet isn't taught to nurses, lol.

Not much sleep again last night and today getting up early plus working a little in this ridiculous heat, I am exhausted. Still though, not sleepy. Thyroid? It chimed in at 4.6 (I think)

Annie got her test back today and she has this rare disease that is treatable but not curable. At 20 years old. People, have you been noticing the young kids sick these days with crap that isn't or wasn't heard of before? Have you read the obituaries lately? We are concerned with so much these days yet we don't pay attention to what really matters. No worries though, I'm not going to go off on a long rant but I do remember reading back some years ago that children today will not outlive their parents. Read that again. It does not say not live as long as, not out live them.

All this has once again gotten me out of my willingly ignorant state. We eat something that foreign third world countries won't even allow to their slaves, GM Foods. So do this for not me, not you, but for them. Google these few things separately: GM Food, Codex Alimentarius, vaccines. Now on the last one do that on http://www.DrMercola.com. For a better view of Codex look for the videos and by all means visit http://www.morphcity.com. There are reasons for all this sickness and death. There are reasons that everything is happening. For those who know God, the last site should be looked at close.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

08-04-2010

It's after 12pm and I'm still awake despite taking a sleeping pill. I'm worn out but not sleepy. Strange. It was hot today so I stayed in. The heat makes it hard to breathe these days. Part of the fatigue maybe be where I have ended the Morphine patches. I hate to admit it but apparently my body had become addicted to it. Though I've not used the Loratabs like I should have, taking them regularly for the first few days, it seems to be easing off a bit. The first 2 days are the hardest. I have Morphine left but I dare not touch it.

Not that I'm into pain but really this is better. I know now that there was no way to have endured the pain without it, it is better when the pain level drops to feel the pain. It limits how much I talk, what I drink and eat, and how I swallow. Maybe this will make the healing go better since I feel the pain from things I shouldn't be doing immediately. Still, tonight my throat feels like it's closing inside... but that's every night.

Soon I will have the Cat Scan and it worries me. I pray that all this has not been for nothing. I have seen and lived Hell on Earth for a long time now. It goes through my mind all the time what I have seen and relate it to what I have felt. I wonder what happened to the lady who had mouth cancer and radiation had disfigured her. How the lady crying in the men's bathroom was doing or the lady in the wheelchair that was scared and calling out to everybody. I see the faces of those in the chemo hut and radiation waiting area and wonder where they are now and how they are doing. They have all lived Hell on Earth too. I pray they are well and enjoying life now.

When people meet that have never had cancer and are told someone had or has cancer they talk, but never in depth. When people who have or had cancer meet we go into depth as to what kind, where, what kind of therapy or medicine... there are no strangers. There is a connection, perhaps it is the hellish period that connects us, perhaps it is that they too know they were not alone. I have yet to meet an Atheist who has cancer. Maybe it is because we have known or learned that we never walk alone, unless we so chose. This is not a walk to be done alone. Between the fear, pain, sorrow, hate, depression, loss of pride, loss of independence, humiliation, being bullied, and all that goes along with this... we connect with another who knows this.

Monday, August 2, 2010

08-02-2010

After spending yesterday mostly sleeping, I stayed awake all last night, still I'm not sleepy. We got the blood work back on my Thyroid and it is gone. That was one of the known causalities of war. Now I have to find a doctor to go to for that. I'm open to suggestions. (Hint Kim).

The neuropathy is still as it was and the hissing sound is still in my ears. The time finally draws nigh to see if it is all gone. Oh yea, I also get to have a sleep study done. Fun, Fun, Fun.

The one good thing though is that there are no more pain patches, just pills and I'm not doing much of them.

Friday, July 30, 2010

07-30-2010

It's almost 4am and I woke up. Denise had to put me to be last night, not sure what went wrong. I was typing an email to Sally when things started spinning and I became totally disoriented. I got back up, intending to send the email, I am still not sure if I sent it or what I typed. That came out of nowhere and has to be a first. I had been hurting on the right side of my head earlier that night about the lower temple area. Right now my face is still numb. I didn't really do much yesterday so I wonder what was that? There is still a slight pain there, it feels like I got hit and it is sore. Even my gums are numb. My computer is exactly where I left it with the email going and all the windows I was watching open. Usually when the fatigue spells come I have time to react, this whatever it was I had no warning and no time to react, it just came. I hope that is a singular event. Maybe just too much TV, I had watched a few shows the last couple of days, lol. the pain is growing gain in intensity while I type this so I think I will lay back down.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

7-27-2010

Well the appointment with Rathfoot went ok. I am done HBOT but he said I may need it again before this thing is done. I expressed what had happened there and if I did need it, try the single chamber. Something strange happened there. But I'm glad it is over. I will miss it though and highly recommend Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy, it works.

The cartilage in my throat is healing, slowly, but healing. My larynx is now visible and moves one way, it just needs to move the other too. I asked about the hissing sounds and if they were related to the swelling. Nope, chemo, another perk to using that. It isn't all the time but a great deal of time when TV, people, radio, or some noise is on it starts. It sounds just like letting the air out of a tire and your head is right at the valve stem. No pain, just noise. The other noise I can't describe to you. To replace the HBOT he prescribed me another pill to take. I now take 10 pills 1st thing every morning, 2 mid day, and I think 5 at night, plus my vitamins and herbs.

I had another black out type spell coming home, the reason I don't drive much or far. I didn't get anything done today from the fatigue.

Charlie got to come home after getting 2 stints. St Mary's done an excellent job and he is doing great.

I looked again at the boat i just bought yesterday, lol. I am finding out the hard way that material to restore a boat isn't as easy to find as cars are, neither is information on it.

So be another day...

Monday, July 26, 2010

7-26-2010

Lord what a night, no sleep at all. Denise said it was the predisone, that I had took it too late. Saturday night I like to not have went to sleep, started in bed and woke up freezing but soaking wet on the couch about 7am. Personally I think small elves carried me in there and bathed me. Now here it is Monday and I wish they'd have knocked me out, lol. I believe that I sweated out a lot of the infection though, other than tired I feel pretty good.

I didn't go again to HBOT and I will not go until I know the infection is gone and I can clear my ears for the dive. I go to Dr Rathfoot tomorrow for a check up, man I hope my sinuses are clear, if not they will give you stuff that will. Stinks but not too bad. I got only two visits in last week. I am hoping that I am done with the treatment. It isn't bad but you never know what mood the doc will show up and that causes stress. I have a problem with people that start a sentence screams look you G.D. S.O.B., then it gets worse. Its like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde and the way I figured it so far is that he knows that the people there are at his mercy and I'm sure that God is keeping score, I know I am. That kind of stress placed can reverse or at least detract from the benefit. I should have been doing Vit C. I have read that your body uses more under stress. I guess the law of averages just caught up with me. Look at the excellent doctors I have had so far plus the ones that read this. The has to be a bad apple in the bunch somewhere, sometime. So I really can't complain, I have been blessed.


Its sad really that someone has to be that way. Like the ones before though, I have remained silent on here and at the hospital... but it is hard. It is a shame really, Hyperbaric Oxygen Therapy is such a great tool. One of the few "conventional medicines" I think shows greatness. I have faith in it. I have not only experienced what it can do but saw others benefit from it. Over the course I have remained silent on this about it, I had no other choice. Usually Chad or John dive and both are compassionate and caring. Credits to their profession. I actually don't see how caregivers keep a heart as much as they see, and some don't, but these do.

I am slowly starting back my herbs and vitamins now, being careful as I don't get choked on them. It is getting easier. I still plan if all goes well to restart all the herbs plus the one that I am sorta leary of, the B-17. A friend on CC turned me onto a website that is pretty good. There is a therapy there that bears looking into, I've read about it over the years on other sites. I plan to look it over. It is at http://doctoryourself.com. Not that I will not walk away from this care but add to it. I have had too many kin folk die of cancer after they thought it was gone, too many. If mine is gone, I will still go through for prevention.

Friday, July 23, 2010

7-23-2010

It has been a long day, a painful one. I did finally get the oil changed in the truck and the cucumbers and some tomatoes picked. Rather than taking them to everybody I had them come and get it. I did get the chance to browse the web and chat with my friends at ConCen.

I should be down to one of the last few patches and so I am taking the advice of my friend Kim. I will wear these last 2 patches an extended day each and follow-up with pills for a few days then my system should be weaned. There is a lot of pain that shows, more than I thought was there. Not that I'm into pain but before I ate and swallowed whatever and whenever with occasional break through pain, thing is, it masked far too much pain. That allowed me to eat and do whatever and that ain't a good thing. It isn't the mountains that wears one down, it is the hills. I knew when I done really bad but not when I done bad... I do now.

My neck is hurting on the outside more than the inside after a few minutes unprotected in the sun. The sun has become my enemy with this and yet is my friend with the Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Speaking of which, the ones that read this please remember my good friend Sally tonight who is hurting and say a prayer for her. She is one of the sweetest, smartest, strongest people I have had the honor of calling friend. If one reads on CTCL it looks like a walk in the park, but in reality it is far, far from that. I love on one board when someone says they are hurting and the doctors say they are not. It is by the Grace from God that the roles aren't changed.

I finally got some meds for my cold today that Dr Rathfoot called in. It has taken from last Friday til now, but at least I have them. I've suffered some with this cold but this is life, I've seen a whole lot worse times and I'm sure I will again. I have an appointment with him next week and I pray that he will say good job. I grow tired of this battle.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

07-22-2010

I still have some kind of bug I caught off mom so I haven't been to the HBOT treatments since Wed. I feel like crap, just drained on strength, head stopped up and ache all over. It reminds me a little of Chemo but not the bad days, the good ones, that depresses me a lot. So I have once again been inside the house doing nothing and sleeping on and off. Since last Friday we have tried to get a hold of Rathfoot but to no success. This is the first time he has dropped the ball. Tomorrow will be a week and still nothing as this stuff gets worse and trys to go on down in my respiratory track.

I am so over being helpless in so many areas, I would love my independence back. Next month will make a year for this to be going on. I have had enough already, enough for 2 lifetimes.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

07-21-2010

I stayed home today due to an infection in my sinuses and ears, both were stopped up and I felt like crap. Tomorrow I will stay home again just to make sure this stuff leaves even though I feel a little better tonight.

My right shoulder is acting up, I think the tear I did 20 years ago has torn again, either that or I've injured it again. I will wait until all this calms down and then maybe go for a shot into the shoulder and see if that helps.

My neuropathy gave me a fit today even though I kept off my feet and kept them elevated... strange. My throat seemed a little less painful today after I woke up, but then again I didn't talk much today. It still isn't too bad. I think if the saliva glands would start to work and this sinus thing would quit, and the reflux stop I might have a chance to have a voice.

August 9 is still in the back of my mind though. I look forward to it yet at the same time I can wait. If they give me the all clear I'm buying a boat, a cheap fishing boat... and I mean cheap, lol.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

For My Family and Friends



07-20-2010

   I awoke decent today but in a lot of pain. I think I may be getting mom's cold and just my luck, it is in the respiratory and sinus region. For the last few days I've felt rough. The hissing, like an airline is leaking, and it is loud has came back. HBOT was one of the hardest yet, I was already about to throw up before I got there and it got worse as we pressurized. Thank God it was a good movie, Cinderella Man. I would not have watched it on my own but it turned out to be an excellent movie, one of the best ones I have seen and it helped me to focus. I almost asked several times to come out.

  Me and Charlie ate and discussed his upcoming heart cath, I think I filled him in pretty well, had a bunch of those, lol. Nobody was happy that I drove myself down yesterday, but I made it. The Chemo has left me where I fall asleep, almost like pass out easily, but I know the warning signs. He will be absent when he has his heart cath and I plan to drive myself then. far to long have I been a burden.

  I slept today after I got home and tonight I will have no problem sleeping more. Again I meant to change the oil in the truck and again it didn't happen, lol. Maybe tomorrow. My throat is so tight inside tonight it is hard to breathe and enough break through pain I resorted to about 10mg of Morphine. My God that sounds like a lot yet it barely eases it off. I think I will be in for a Hell of a ride when the patches come off.

  I still get frustrated that I cannot do what I want and what I once did. How is all this junk suppose to get done? How did I do it all before? I failed at doing all the gardens, I was in hopes that I could do enough so that if this is my last season everybody would have plenty of food stored. One thing is for sure, they all have eaten Tomatoes and Cucumbers till they were full. At least they will have enough seed for net year and some to share if I am not here. We will find out August 12th if it is gone or not. I pray it is for I could not physically, mentally, or emotionally withstand any more. If it ain't, I pray I go fast.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

07-18-2010

  I woke up this morning about 10am, took the barrage of pills I have to take, then went right back to bed. I didn't get up again until 5pm. I had planned to pick the beans, tomatoes, then change the oil in my truck...didn't happen. Mom has a cold and I may be getting a touch of it. I ache all over.

  My right shoulder is going out. I tore it about 20 years ago and it healed, maybe I built up muscles to compensate for it like I did my left. When I woke up both times my mouth was covered over with something that felt like glue but tastes horrible. It takes forever to get that junk out and then getting it out of my throat is almost impossible and painful. Afterward though it feels better. 

Friday, July 16, 2010

07-16-2010

  The extra Morphine afforded me some extra sleep last night but today HBOT was hard to do again. I'm not sure why but I keep thinking the Tea from Hardees. Tea has it's ups and downs but over the months I have drank so much water that I long for something with some kind of flavor and carbonated drinks and OJ aren't the answer.

  Tonight though I don't need anything extra for pain, all day it has went no higher than level 2. I know there is swelling inside though, the hissing sound is back in my left ear. That means I am swelled up enough that pressure is being placed on the nerve. It is a loud hissing sound, so loud the first time I heard it I thought we had punctured a tire.

  I bragged on the Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma a bit too soon, itssss baccckkkk, lol. (From a movie). My feet and ankles plus a new patch on my knee. The knee ain't so bad but the ankle is painful and the feet override the neuropathy. How can that be? Numb yet painful. It is however a pain that I need nothing for as for 5 years now it has been there most of the time. We can get use to the strangest things, if indeed I am use to it.

  I think I've a cold now that hopefully will not blossom into anything more than that. My voice is back to where it was and the little chucks of whatever that hard stuff is comes up. I can swallow decent still but I have to get it back out of my nose, talk about a weird feeling. It is when it goes that way that I think is the hardest because obliviously it can't stay there and dislodging it is hard to do without making it head down the airway. Of all the ways for it to lodge that is the hardest to get loose.

  I attempted to get some garden work or even something, anything, done outside but it just didn't happen... too hot. I did however manage to spend money, lol. I did listen to something on the radio that I will place a link to. This one is unusual for me to do. The real message starts a bit after the 3 minute mark and boy did it strike a nerve. Listen to this message... especially if you are going through a hardship. It will resonate with you. It is at :  http://www.davidjeremiah.org/site/radio_player.aspx?id=169