Tuesday, August 3, 2010


It's after 12pm and I'm still awake despite taking a sleeping pill. I'm worn out but not sleepy. Strange. It was hot today so I stayed in. The heat makes it hard to breathe these days. Part of the fatigue maybe be where I have ended the Morphine patches. I hate to admit it but apparently my body had become addicted to it. Though I've not used the Loratabs like I should have, taking them regularly for the first few days, it seems to be easing off a bit. The first 2 days are the hardest. I have Morphine left but I dare not touch it.

Not that I'm into pain but really this is better. I know now that there was no way to have endured the pain without it, it is better when the pain level drops to feel the pain. It limits how much I talk, what I drink and eat, and how I swallow. Maybe this will make the healing go better since I feel the pain from things I shouldn't be doing immediately. Still, tonight my throat feels like it's closing inside... but that's every night.

Soon I will have the Cat Scan and it worries me. I pray that all this has not been for nothing. I have seen and lived Hell on Earth for a long time now. It goes through my mind all the time what I have seen and relate it to what I have felt. I wonder what happened to the lady who had mouth cancer and radiation had disfigured her. How the lady crying in the men's bathroom was doing or the lady in the wheelchair that was scared and calling out to everybody. I see the faces of those in the chemo hut and radiation waiting area and wonder where they are now and how they are doing. They have all lived Hell on Earth too. I pray they are well and enjoying life now.

When people meet that have never had cancer and are told someone had or has cancer they talk, but never in depth. When people who have or had cancer meet we go into depth as to what kind, where, what kind of therapy or medicine... there are no strangers. There is a connection, perhaps it is the hellish period that connects us, perhaps it is that they too know they were not alone. I have yet to meet an Atheist who has cancer. Maybe it is because we have known or learned that we never walk alone, unless we so chose. This is not a walk to be done alone. Between the fear, pain, sorrow, hate, depression, loss of pride, loss of independence, humiliation, being bullied, and all that goes along with this... we connect with another who knows this.