Wednesday, October 15, 2014

10-16-2014 Just a note

  For some reason I just feel like writing. This has become my outlet since the book is done. It's not published, Amazon sent a reminder but I'm just not sure. So... what all is new.

  Last Sunday Tina (biological mother) had a heart attack. Tonight she is home. She first insisted on Ft Sanders where she worked and after they left her BP was almost gone, one of the guys in the vehicle told her she would not make the trip to Knoxville. She had never liked Dr Rama or Morristown Hamblen but that is where she ended up. She now has a lot of respect for Rama and the crew that handles cardiac at the hospital, plus the Ambulance crew. I'm not sure if she has experienced Rama's bedside manner, or lack thereof, but she now sees that he knows his stuff. Most doctors that skilled go to large cities, but he remains here. She is impressed.  Now she knows why I have always went to him, except I usually go when Deb is filling in, lol. He busted his butt that night working on me and I very much remember that. When we visited her she also saw the respect that Denise gets when she walks through. I would put her up against the best of nurses just as I would Rama against the best Cardiac doctors, but I may be a little prejudice.

  Our little inside dog has developed cancer. I do believe it is the food just as much as the chemicals. Roxie is 8 years old now. She has slowed down quite a lot. It always worries me when I get cut that if a dog licks the cut it will get the NHL in their system, but hers isn't NHL. 

  The Will is almost done now, I signed more papers today. I done as mom wished and the Lawyer didn't argue with the cars. Instead of the cars being titled to me I gave Misty mom's Mountaineer as she requested and Megan the Mustang. I kept the Cadillac, the least material worth of the three with the most memorable worth of the three. That one she said I could do with as I wanted. I remember dad loving that car. When he would drive it he was so short all you could see was knuckles, lol, and his smile. This was a man who had a 50 Ford F1 truck until he traded it for a 70 Ford F100, until 1990 when he sold that truck to me and bought the F150. I eventually bought his 90 and he bought the GMC. He would have 2 more trucks in his life, a GMC 4x4 and his 01 Ranger. I have 3 of them still. The Ranger he loved. I remember the 90 F150 overheating in the field while pulling a wagon of hay up. He wanted me to hook his Ranger to it. I didn't, there were eight 1,000lb rolls on a 20 foot trailer, way too much for it to pull.

  Signing those papers today was kind of sad. All the deeds are being done now, all mom's labors are now mine, which are bitter sweet. I thought back all day about the eight people that raised me, and my biological parents who were there if I needed them. All of them are gone, save one. All were pretty much workaholics, all pretty much poor except mom and dad in the later years, plus the one remaining one. Dad never got caught up in the snares of the material world but mom did, as did I until my heart attack. In the end mom came back to her roots though. We had several good talks and though I am not smart, I did learn a few things from that event. I've several friends now that have had an NDE and we all share one thing in common, a question for why we had to come back. I talked with dad the day he died and I think it helped him not to be scared. I talked with mom and answered her questions the best I could about what happens after we die, and how God is. Each time I would tell her not yet, you have to fight, but I could see the fight leaving her.

 Some who have followed my blog have read my faith, but I am not religious, yet I am. I looked at different religions for a time, and before the heart attack none. I hated to read yet these days for the last several years I read a lot, yet I have never read the whole Bible. I think it would take one a lifetime to actually read it and know what it is about. Even then, words fail to explain the glory of God. We all worry about going to Heaven yet I think Heaven is wherever God is, and if it's not, that is more than I could ever ask for, just to be near. Denise was present for mom's last breath and I missed being there by a couple of minutes, yet I believe mom was ready. I wasn't ready, Denise wasn't ready, but mom was and so was God- that is all that really counts.

  I showed the Office today to a couple that wants to put a Recording Studio in it. I looked around and saw what we haven't moved yet, and thought for a moment what mom had accomplished. Having said that though, this was not reflective of mom's worth. So what is the worth of a person? I believe the worth of a person is not what one owns, bank account, possessions... it is what one does. If we measure the worth of a person by their actions we find the true worth, and by this measurement we are all of worth. In God's eyes we are priceless. Truth, love, compassion, forgiveness, kindness... these are the marks of worth. Those are the things we take with us when we leave this world, not the things we can touch or hold. We come in naked, empty handed, and helpless and we go out the same way. Mom asked about us in the eyes of God one time and I could only explain as this. "When I was young I would sneak out and drink and smoke pot, had hair to my belt and a long unkept beard. I cussed a lot and cared for little. Sometimes my choices were disappointing to you and down right disrespectful. Yet you still loved me." Mom said "Of course I did. You weren't that bad". "I wasn't that good either, but you still loved me and wanted me. The things I did right you still were proud of me, and when I said I'm sorry you still forgave me. I could call you day of night and you still would help me. I am the same with my kids. Even if they hated me I still loved them. Me and you... we ain't perfect. So just think for a moment, if we, being imperfect can love, forgive, be proud of, there for our kids... then how much more can a perfect God be to His kids. You loved me even when I hated myself. He loves us even when we hate ourselves."

   Thinking back on the conversation it reminded me that our worth is priceless. Maybe that is why Jesus said an unpardonable sin is calling your brother "Raca", which in English means useless. He sees nobody as worthless or useless. I miss mom but I rejoice for her.