Tuesday, March 18, 2014


Happy 25th Anniversary Denise

I love you.

Monday, March 10, 2014


Well I missed Friday's telling of that appointment with Dr Bushkell at UT. It went well. He hasn't had time to speak with Dr Zic at Vanderbilt on my case yet, but he said he wants me back in 6 months and by then he will examine me and he and Zic will have something figured out. I told him Dr Zic probably wouldn't remember me but he said he bet he does. I like Zic but he is just too far away, and also I like Dr Bushkell. His staff is nice just like him. His treatment was to drive 3 times to Knoxville for treatments on a machine I hadn't heard of. After we told him how far he asked if we could get to a NBUVB Machine and do treatments easier. I have one the insurance company years ago along with us went in and bought. He briefly mentioned Targetin and I briefly ignored that, lol. Same goes with Interferon. I even was able to keep the stitch(s) in my leg and they got to take it out, didn't tear that one out, lol.

So today we went for a follow-up with Dr Rathfoot who was quite impressed with the swelling in my throat. He had a hard time getting the scope through my nasal passage and into my throat, and that was all me, I just couldn't seem to swallow and breathe at the right time. But we got there, lol. I just came off 30mg of Prednisone so the swelling is lower. I go back in 3 months and he said he wants to to consider surgery to do injections again. I will do it this time, no excuses.

  We discussed the Sleep Apnea problem which we are at a stand still, nothing else can be done. The pills he prescribed for the Narcoleptic events didn't work, and I apologized for not calling him in 30 days. He understood when I told him about mom. The next step would be a stronger medicine like Riddlen and he doesn't think my heart would take that, given the past Cardiac problems. So we hit a wall there too. Maybe something will come out eventually.

   Meanwhile the stress still builds, I wish I had have left mom discuss her final business with me. I'm dog paddling and it feels like over a massive waterfall. Real Estate I know, Estate handling I don't. I got so use to saying I'll ask mom. That doesn't work these days, neither does getting the phone to call her at night like I use to. I wrote a piece on the last week she was alive, one night's conversation we had and put in on the My Musing Blog. For now that is how I will have to release stress, remain strong in appearance.        

Sunday, March 2, 2014


  It has been a few days since mom's funeral, which was Friday. Mom is in Heaven now but it still hurts, especially at night when I would call. The day I can keep busy but even then it isn't without pain since it involves going through mom's stuff to try and find her Insurance papers, and make sure the food is gone. We gave the items that Hospice left behind to the Senior Center, got some Ensure too. In this world it leaves no time for grief, and that is sad. Mom made millions in her life yet died with debt where she gave most of it away, actually all of it. Bills have to be paid, which we can do for a while, but not forever. Mom looked at me the day before she died and asked why we worked all the time. Why did we buy all this stuff. Why didn't we slow down and enjoy each other more and appreciate what we had rather than working all the time to buy more. I don't know is about all I could come up with, well that, and we seemed to enjoy working all the time. I came to that realization the night I felt my heart beating out of my chest while I smothered and grew cold. I again went through that for almost a year while I fought once again for my life from the throat cancer and the medicine (aka Poison).

  At night I called her... every night. We would talk throughout the day on and off but at night at least once, usually more. I miss though brief calls. I remains strong so that the rest will and when I break I go off alone to do it. Megan has really taken it hard, she worked so hard to take care of mom. Funny, mom didn't have a lot to do with Megan when she was small, I guess she just didn't know how or was afraid of her with her hearing loss. She clung to Annie yet stayed at a distance to Megan, but dad didn't. Yet in the end it wasn't Annie who took care of mom it was Megan, Annie helped twice but Megan would not leave her side. Megan stayed the nights and the last week she wouldn't leave during the days either, and barely slept. Needless to say, she is sick physically too. I swear she sounds like she has Pneumonia too.

  Tomorrow I go for my blood work, a week late but the doctor should have it in time for Friday's appointment, he will just have to look it over a bit quicker. The creams seems to be helping with the patches of CTCL, the shampoo and stuff for the stress related infection on my scalp... not so much. I go soon to Rathfoot too for a follow-up.