Wednesday, May 11, 2011


Well, the gig is set up now for next week. Me and Denise went down and done the paperwork, got blood drawn... so I'm all set. The lady who drew the blood looked at me and said, Which arm? Denise was standing in the corner and I smiled, pointed at Denise's arm and said, "That one." We all got a laugh out of that.

I think with my heart, Pernicious Anemia, and COPD, they are getting a lady to put me under. They said she was their best. I don't think the Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma had any bearing on anything. Most of my meds I have to take, exception being the anti-inflammatory. Other than that, pretty standard info. Have to wet, something else?, and be able to breathe on my own... then I can go home when they are done. First thing I thought was oh crap, that tube again. Definitely scary to wake up seeing.

I've gotta remember to go over the no (s) with the doctor before surgery. No extra tubes, pipes, holes, plugs, etc. :) Cut all they want inside, just not through to the outside, lol. Hopefully I'll not be down but a day, two at tops. Got too much to get done.


I have to preadmit for surgery at St Mary's today for next week. Wonder if that is like preboarding, lol. This is something new they've started since my last surgery. Denise gave me orders not to get dirty, so here I sit. This is 3 good days in a row which makes it hard to just sit. I wonder if I mow the yard if she'd be able to tell. I checked the date and we will get to celebrate Denise's birthday the day before surgery. For that I'm thankful.

My mind and frustration is on Charlie, he seems to already be tossing in the towel. I know when he saw me smiling and being positive it must have looked bad, but he has enough negative going on with the pain. Hopefully that smile and those thoughts will strike a cord somewhere. He knows full well I've lived in that Hell, so hopefully he will smile back inside somewhere. Bill said this morning they were going to get a Feeding Tube installed, which is fine if he needs it. This is why I was trying to tell him that if there was another way like they first thought (surgery) to go that route. He didn't realize just how bad it is, and he's just getting started. If Hell is 3 feet down, he is at the first inch mark, and then you sometimes tunnel. The time to start the battle is at the beginning.

God how I hate cancer. I had forgotten just how bad it is. As a victim you feel helpless and sometimes, even though you say one thing positive you feel like your drowning and in a sea of hopeless pain and misery. I remember when people came to see me and I saw, even though they would try and hide it, the pain and shock in their faces when they looked and talked to me. That isn't as bad as it gets though. The worse part is when you hurt so bad for so long, you just kind of don't notice it, actually expect it. Death becomes quite an attractive option, yet you don't have options anymore.

As a spectator you feel worthless and helpless, useless at times. All you can do is watch and help as much as they will allow you, and pray. We've lost quite a few to cancer in our family over the years, too many. I'm not sure how nurses and doctors work in that field, but I'm sure glad they do. I'm not sure how they can keep their heart yet they seem to have bigger hearts. They remain distant enough to not have sympathy, yet close enough to have compassion. This is something that heroes are made of. Something that can and does make a huge difference in the outcome.

I think today Charlie is getting more fluids, one of the mistakes I made he is doing right. He will be in the company of the ladies at the Chemo Hut where he will get compassion without sympathy. He is going to have to fight though, and I know how hard it is to do that. I think faith and fighting is all the individual has at their disposal. In the end though, God makes the final call. I do think though we are to fight with all we have.