Wednesday, January 22, 2014


Well, been a weird day today. Annie came over and wanted to ride with me and Denise to see mom at UT this evening. On the way there I got a call from a nurse that was with a dept I had not heard of saying mom wanted her to talk with me. She said mom wanted to be DNR and that she wanted to die at home, cure was out of the picture. It just seems a bit cold, shocking, and distant, plus I didn't know her. Titles do not impress me any more than uniforms do, so I told her I would need to talk with mom, but I would do whatever she wished. Until then though I would be reserved until speaking with mom, she was selling the point a little too hard. I've done real estate over the phone, taken and given directions over the phone, but I would not talk this over on the phone, especially without talking with mom. The story was a bit different when I talked with mom, who didn't really want to talk about it much. The position of nurse didn't excite me, I know some good ones and bad ones, plus we have a lot of nurses in the family. 

  Annie, (our middle daughter),stayed down there with mom tonight and she is a nurse. She moved in with mom after dad died.Mom had asked for a second opinion and Annie will see that she has it. I promised mom that whatever her decision is that I would see it happens. So tonight she stands DNR and she wants to die at home. Denise cried all the way there and back, then went to bed with a headache. I looked at mom and asked but she got a bit ill with me, I know it was a lot for her to take in too. I told her I wasn't passing a judgement but wanted to know what her wishes are from her, and I would see them done. I didn't push though, I looked on and saw she was tired and afraid and confused. I had pushed her to try harder, and I think she done all she could, I just refused to see it.

  As I watched her laying there I saw her, weak and tired. At 85 she saw and lived as a child growing up in the Great Depression. She quit at American Enka in about 1971 for health reasons and also to raise me. In her 50s she wanted her GED, she had to go to work and never got to finish school, so she got it. We attended Vocational School at the same time when I was in my early 20s, I for electronic repair and her as a Secretary. Then she got her real estate license, while working in the office, and from there went on to be the area's biggest lady Realtor. Her dream was to be a Broker and have her own business, which we did and after UPS I worked there until the Throat Cancer. She wanted me to take over but my voice just wouldn't let me, still she stayed there until she got sick.

  She worked hard all her life and made a lot of money, but gave most of it away as she made it. Her and dad helped me many times, helped our kids, her daughter, sister-in-law, strangers... you name it. People would ask how old she is and then remark that she is rich, why is she working, if they only knew. She made enough money to be rich, but she isn't. Dad was the same way, soft hearted as they come. Mom though could piss me off quicker than anybody, but don't all parents, lol. No matter what I done, her and dad were there. If I didn't believe I could she made me believe I could, and anybody else she came across. Can't just didn't exist, not until now. Her and dad, not so much through words but actions, taught me to be a better person, a better parent. We bumped heads a lot, kinda like me and Annie do these days, but like them, I am always here. I'm not as good at it but I try. It isn't just little girls that step on your toes when they are young, and on your hearts when they are old, but boys too. I done my share of stepping, yet they loved me no less, and waited me out, and never ever lost faith in me. I saw that if they, being imperfect human beings, can love and forgive that much, how much greater is the love of God, who is perfect.

  I have kept a dry eye tonight, but that is apt to change. I will do what mom wishes me to do, and all within my power to make happen. I fight back the tears, yet the tears are not for her, but for us. Where mom will go will be with dad and with God. On more than one occasion I have stood in His presence, and there is nowhere better. But I will probably cry for us, for truly we will have lost much in this world. I say us but I mostly me me, she is the last of the 8 that raised me. Her and dad took me in as their own when nobody would, put up with me when nobody else could. The taught me what family is and how blood is thick... or at least should be. I am sad for us, yet happy for her, for she will see all that have gone on before her. No more pain, disappointment, suffering, tears, nothing but good.