Friday, November 27, 2009

Thanksgiving Day +1

  I had radiation again today. The only day I didn't was yesterday, Thanksgiving Day. They are beginning to cause more soreness. My left arm has also been getting worse since Wednesday. I'm beginning to wonder if the radiation my be affecting the pins in there. My teeth hurt and my gums are tender.

  I ate mostly what I wanted yesterday, dressing was a definite no-no and I knew that but I love mom's dressing. I even ate some today. Maybe that might be part of the reason for the soreness, that and the fact I am just getting over the chemo.

  I should have listened to Denise and called Panella for more pain meds but I had got to where I didn't hardly need any. This chemo aftermath changed that. I'll run out by late Saturday but I'm hoping Tylenol Arthritis will work, maybe even give my system a rest from the endocet.

  Weeks like this last one make me want to give up and just give in, but then I think of how they all start like this and get better. The drawback this time is that it doesn't seem to be getting better with the radiation. That effects moral, or at least it does mine. From what they say it will only get rougher. I got this week and next week, then chemo again.

  We use a pill cocktail for my treatments now and don't have to do the vein thing. The biggest problem now is that I stay drugged and sleep most of the day. The next logical step would be to try it with nothing. Then again, if the pain continues at thus rate, I'd rather sleep.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Chemo 3 - Day 2

Thursday wasn't so bad until the evening set in. As the cocktail of drugs used to calm me down enough for the Radiation Mask and treatment left, so did the stomach.

Here is a very large hint.... DO NOT EAT PIZZA! lol. I awoke to throwing up through my nose and mouth straight up. It felt like I was drowning. I rushed to the bathroom and took a Phengran pill with me. The swallowing didn't work as it all came up. I did take an herb and it calmed it down enough to lay back down and eventually go back to sleep just about an hour before time to go back to UT for another radiation treatment. When your sick, that is a long trip. The cocktail is lessen each day. Monday I will try and medicate myself and not need the IV meds. Pure Genius on their part. It may reduce my claustrophobia. Today though, even with a light cocktail I was too week and sick to put up much of a fight. 

  I have a handicapped parking pass now, so we get front row seats, lol. My stepdad Charlie took me down Thursday & Friday. We only use it though when we have to, which has been pretty much everyday since Tuesday. Although I did only get the temporary one, hopefully. Once back into the Chemo hut I was offered an IV to help stop the sickness, and it worked until tonight. Now we're back to stage 1. Again after pills failed I turn to an herb which calms my stomach somewhat.

  For 2 days now I have tasted this horrible metal in my mouth... even when drinking water. My stomach has roared and I've gotten rid of what I eat the wrong way.

  I have noticed that my neck is turning red from just 4 treatments. Thank God no sourness inside yet, I pray that I can at least eat a good Thanksgiving meal before either having to eat baby food or through a feeding tube. Either way though, I have a lot to give thanks for.

  If you get to this part always remember, God is there for you, why go it alone? All you need do is ask. The second thing to remember is that "Be it good or bad... no moment lasts forever." And the last is to be thankful if God has graced you with a good family and friends. These are not your "support groups", they are your lifelines that God has graced you with.

This too shall pass.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

2 Days After Raidiation.

My wife & I went to Ruth for another cocktail, but this one much lesser. Neither told me, lol. Denise instructed me to take a 5 mg Valium before... just in case, so I did.

  Ruth slowly administered and talked to us at the same time. Again, lol, I was wheeler down to and back k in a wheelchair. Only this time, instead of getting to go home, I had Mega Dose 3 afterward. This lasted about 7 hours. Man were we tired. I'm writing this in an attempt to bring on fatigue tomorrow, a suggestion I was told.

   Today left 28 radiation treatments and 1 Chemo. Thank you God. .


The Day Aftern Radiation Attenpt

  While I will not go into all that was said not only by me but a nurse there at UT, the smart-allect tech.

People, this worked. This is written I guess more for the doctors and staff tonight. I, like many people am not trained in medicine but we do know our own body. Along with this we know our own mental, physical,  and emotional limits... or short comings. If just 1 doctor had listen, or had read past reports they would have known what was about to happen. But nobody does until it's after the fact, and the whole thing blows up in their face. Yep, I heard the Tech say many times, "I wish we would have known up front", or "It would have been nice to know this up front". That's just two of many. for that woman's sake I pray she finds another job, even more, I pray the next person will bnefit from her not being there.

"Well we want to get better if you will cooperate and want to do this to get better" comes under the title Bull Shit! This lead to a "I'll tell Dr Green!" "Which I rebutted...good, thank you." I figured that would be the end of that. Then Dr Green called. Just a piece of advice, make sure when one gets old it is to someone no smart enough to find out if it is the truth. Anyway, we agreed to 12:45, Why this couldn't have happened that day, I don't know. Why this could have been diverted but wasn't, another good question.

   Anyway, away me and my wife (now misses 2 days of work) and she is very intend on having her say. She is a nurse and head over the others nurses in that office, so it's not like she don't know how an office should be ran. Everything had seemed to already have been handled by Panella's charge nurse Ruth.

  Ruth had made a shot up called a cocktail. Slowly it worked and i was welled down to Radiology. It's sketchy what all happened in there but I remember the snapping down, actually like being strayed in a molded fish net made of thick, hard, Nylon like plastic. Dr Green must have watched pretty carefully as he noticed the 2 snaps that were about to make e snap. He ordered them unsnapped and the tension lessened. The Classical music also calmed the savage beast, lol.

  I'm not sure how long I laid there but I remember asking if we were done yet. It ended there.

  I don't remember much about coming home. I do remember crawling into bed and freezing, bundled up, turned the personal heater on and it was today... with a bit of a hear-ache.     

Monday, November 16, 2009

16, November

  Beautiful day. We traveled down to UT to see the Radiologist. We were suppose to have a consolation, or so we thought with Dr Green and a Dietitian, but it turned out to be they needed more scans with my mask on. It was to last 45 minutes.

  I had already spoken with Green about my claustrophobia and the degree to which I have it as well as other doctors. Medical records also reveal how bad it is and I have even placed it on my chart. What a let down, nobody reads anything anymore. This is twice now that I have had failed tests due to this. The 1st was an MRI scan.

 One of the ladies understood while the other got pretty upset, she said that it would have been nice to know in advance. She became pretty rude. Finally I made the point that I had given everybody the heads up, but she really didn't listen. Like a student that disobeyed orders she said in a threatening way that she was calling Dr Green, which I thought was very appropriate. Dr Green decided that I should have 5 mg of Valium, they brought 10 mg of Valium. This might have worked except by this time I was already excited and my adrenalin was already flowing. 30 minutes later we tried again... unsuccessfully. So they bring me another 5 mg which also had no effect. I was getting a bit stoned and sleepy, but not enough to do that. Finally they decided to call it quits.

  I got the speech on how this MUST BE Done, which I had no doubt it didn't need to be done. I wanted for it to be done, but phobias are a weird thing. I couldn't argue with anything they said except...THEY KNEW I WAS CLAUSTROPHOBIC! I argued back finally, but i shouldn't had to argue back if it had been done right to start with.  as I told them once again, I am not medically qualified but I know me and I know my body.

  I am checking tomorrow with a Radiologist in Morristown and then Wed when I go for Chemo I will speak with Dr Panella about switching doctors. For as good as Panella is, the Radiologist isn't. A good doctor listens to his patient and is a gentle person. A good staff does the same. There were 2 of their staff that are sweet, they have retained some compassion.

  So now my Radiation is postponed. Maybe it's my fault for having a phobia, maybe for their for not listening to a patient. This was blow 2. The 1st was the running the scope down my nose, into my throat, without any numbing medicine.

  I'm no longer comfortable with this guy and my confidence is shaken in him and half his crew. If Panella will work with me, and I pray he does, I will change Radiologists. Panella is a definate keeper as is Rathfoot.               

Saturday, November 14, 2009

November 14th

A few good and bad days at the first of the week has led to 3 good days in a row. This has been so nice. The last few days give me hope of being better one day. There are a few things though to get use to. The goods days, you still tire easily. I look around at all the things that I intended to do, need to do, but then if I attempt them and sometimes I do, reality sets in. Fatigue comes easily and the next day you start out wondering what was wrong with your mind for thinking you could do that. I'm not sure if it is that one feels all that good but rather gets a break from feeling that bad.

  Now somewhere at sometime, the body hair began to leave like my head hair did. I'm still not use to being pretty much bald. The body hair doesn't bother me though.  

  Thursday's visit with Dr Rathfoot went exceedingly well. He said that the tumor has shrunk 75%! Then he added that was nothing short of a miracle, and I believe it is. That means no throat surgery! That also means just 2 more mega dose chemo treatments. That also means 6 weeks of radiation. Now Dr Rathfoot is the third time I have been warned about the radiation. Apparently after about 2 weeks the pain will intensify and it will be harder to get through than the chemo. I pray that God will have mercy on me and lessen the pain.

But for now, I enjoy and am so thankful for these good days.  

Friday, November 6, 2009

Mega Dose day 8 and Review

 Well Sunday was pretty much a repeat of Saturday, so much so I just didn't feel like getting on and writing. Nothing would stay put except the 1 area things should stay put, lol. Seems there is no happy medium, things either get all bound up... or they just stop. This time though the dryness in my mouth seems much, much, worse.

  Monday came and I felt a but better so a friend of mine had called me Saturday about buying Fainting Goat Males. He brought his son and we eventually got them in the barn. His son done the most of the work. I grabbed a gate which hit on a block and something popped in my right elbow. That is the elbow that couldn't be fixed without losing my job in about 2002. The doctor said it needed surgery but if he did it, it would make it better, but not 100% and a supervision informed him that I would be terminated, company policy. So he and I decided to let it go. We built it back the best we could and I learned what not to do.

Tuesday morning came and mom & I went to Pigeon Forge to have the water turned on at a Cabin we've got listed that is sold for an inspection. I hate to admit it but it tired me out and I took a nap. Then came the evening and we finally got to catch the calves. I was the first on the hill but Mark wasn't far behind me. Thank God he was too. The cows ambushed the truck and pulled a bag of feed off and stopped right outside the gate. I tried to fight them off, but wasn't doing any good. Mark was able to get them back, and then we got them to go into the coral. Jerry Kirk came and brought a man with him, he knew I couldn't do a lot. Really he, Mark and the other man done most of it, I tried to assist and I think I done ok. I was beat. I noticed we are missing 2 cows or calves, and still are as of this writing. 

  Wednesday came and it wasn't what I had thought, I was sick and weak. One of the first times in my life I did not get out of my PJs. Throat was still ripping and stomach still upset. The ay was a total loss, I slept through most of it. I struggled keeping down a piece if toast and apple butter and later, Old Timers breakfast from Cracker Barrel, which I might have gotten 1/2 ate before getting sick and the pain from the throwing up stopped me. 

That brings us to Friday, 8 days after. Somewhere I lost my handle and smoked. I'm not smoking a lot but since I'm addicted, any is not good. I am going to talk to the doctor about it next visit. He said he has something that will help me. Throughout this week I have been real nervous, maybe that is something? I have to get back to none, zero, not a puff! I've prayed about it. Fussed at myself for it. I will not give up until I quit, and I will quit. I drove myself to Mascot and picked up my check for the calves, deposited it in Morristown where I bank, then went to Whitesburg and placed a sign on a new property, then back to the office. More or less I knew I needed to stop and rest before I went home for safety. Got home and rested some then watered the plants in the Sunroom and later hooked up Annie a new monitor... my old (3 month old) 20" LCD one.

  I eat, and eat, and eat. I really don't want that feeding tube. Wednesday night I was down to 204 lbs, tonight I am back to 207 lbs... still a ways to go from 224 lbs. I'd like to end up about 195-200, maybe 205 when we're done. I also know that I am at best, 1/2 way there with the chemo... I don't even want to think about it if I'm not. More of my hair and mustache that was left is leaving.

  It's now 3:42 am. I woke up with a sever dry mouth and throat dreaming I had been eating corn chips and they were stuck. Not as much pain though, probably because I took 2 Lortab 10s before bedtime. They are losing their efficiency so I guess we'll have to change to whatever is next. Writing this I've downed another pill and 2 16.9 oz waters. I crave juice but my throat will not allow the acid.

  I'm looking at the calendar and wondering if  by Thanksgiving, dose 3 will allow me to eat or at least allow me to function, it comes the 18th. I fear it. With the properties that I have that have contracts on them, I think it will be enough to buy Christmas and pay what I owe to the hospitals and doctors. God has blessed us there.

Tomorrow I go back to Dr Green, the Radiologist for him to make a mask of my face and get the measurements for the treatments to start. I just hope if he runs that tube down my nose into my throat again he will numb me this time.

Till Another time