Sunday, July 31, 2011


We just kind of hung out today, I seemed to have found something that I'm allergic to in the garden. I'll take it that it's still there as I keep having reactions to it. :) I stayed inside until I can heal up in my eyes, throat, and whatever the blood thing is.

We went to UT and saw Charlie. His immunity is building slowly but things aren't too good. It seems he has all but given up. Its been a week since he ate, he is still bleeding in his throat. We discussed maybe he should get a feeding tube, actually I guess I discussed he should have one. It seems strange since I fought against it and didn't have one, but things are different for different people.

He said that even water hurts, I remember that all too well. Room temperature water hurts less than cold or warm. He spit up some more blood while we were in there. He has just 16 more radiation treatments to go, but that stuff keeps working for a week or two past the treatment. For now he is on vacation from it.

There comes a point in time that dying is easier than living. I cannot fault him for wanting to toss in the towel, but hopefully he will change his mind and fight. Most people can't relate to that and I pray that they never will be able too. When the battle goes so long and we wear down, it looks as if there is no end, dying becomes easier than living. Unless one has been there no amount of reading and studying, no amount of observation, no amount of anything short of actual experience can explain this.

I wish he would use the pain meds to their fullest extent. I think he is even more afraid of them than I was. I tried to remain positive, empathic yet strong. Right now he feels like he is the only person who knows this pain, and while that isn't correct, I think that goes along with it. I did that too. He is living Hell on Earth right now and it is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Had I not promised Denise I'd fight, had my family and friends, and this blog, who knows. It is only by the Grace of God that we go. He looked tired in his eyes and one could see the pain.

Meanwhile William is in the hospital as well. Seems he decided that he would not take the meds for his Diabetes. I talked with him today and maybe tomorrow he will get to come home. I fussed at him for that one.

I've a list of things to do tomorrow, Megan says she will help. I kind of wimped out towards the end of the week. Denise looked at the beans in the garden and decided maybe just a few more, so I need to add that. We walked back to take another glimpse at the roof. Man it looks great. Actually I think the best it has ever looked. Thanks to Pete and his crew, a big thanks.

So tonight say a prayer for Charlie to fight. He is over half way there but I know he can't see the finish line from where he is. So pray for him to see it and fight.