Denise took me today. We stopped in at Hardees for a sausage biscuit but I was unable to swallow it even with a lot of water. That went to waste. I slept may a total of 1 1/2-2 hours, not all at once. When we got there and signed in the Dr Green wanted to see me before my treatment. He asked why I had declined yesterday's treatment and I took my coat off, wearing a T-Shirt, showed him my arms and told him I was like this all over. He examined my arms and hands, and the swelling. I had/have an allergic reaction to the Taxitere. It wasn't the CTCL after-all. I started the predisone today, so maybe some of the swelling will be gone away.
Green looked at my throat and noticed what looks like the skin sloughing off. I asked him if that was from being dehydrated and he said no, that is the radiation. He asked if I had been using my cream and for how long. Yesterday was the 1st time I had been given cream to ward it off. I had looked up and found people using EMU Cream, so we bought some this weekend. It is slowed at easing the pain but for me the effects last longer than the quicker acting miadern. I think my skin stayed a bit better too. We decided to take a week off and if better restart next week, if not, then take another week. According to Dr Green it will not harm to take a break from radiation, we just pick up where we left off. Makes sense to me. I've 17 or 18 more to go. That was my last Chemo though no matter what.
Today has been a rough one, I almost decided not to write today. I've lost part of my gag reflexes and I can tell my throat is swollen inside because drinking a sup of water, part goes the wrong way, I then cough and even more pain. Breathing isn't all that much fun either. I attempted a chicken pot pie, didn't work, soup, didn't work, canned soup was too salty. Denise and I ate a Shoney's breakfast bar. I got down a little egg, a few pinches of my biscuit, a little sausage, and a few hash browns. 2 1/2 Ensures, 1 milk soaked Oreo. All of which hurt bad enough to not finish any of them. Even drinking water hurts, that sounds crazy, but its true. Denise seems to have a fetish with lips being dry. They are dry and cracked but that little bit is a minor discomfort to me, it is overshadowed by the real pain.
Those that have read the beginning of this blog probably remember the fighting of sleep from the pain and the fear of not waking up... well, we're here again. I am so tired and loads of pain. Surely I have fought this hard to go back to square 1. This was a feeling I thought I was past. The liquid Morphine does nothing for the pain, it does burn going down though. The Enocet gets stuck going down, again with the coughing, so it is good at helping the new pain getting a pill stuck does. My voice is all but gone and I have this random push up from my stomach to place pressure inside of my throat. I asked Denise to call Ruth to see what else could be used that will curb the pain that I could swallow. Since they are both nurses and I have no idea what is what, I just know what isn't working. All this brought on by a sneeze, hope I don't catch a cold. That was the last Chemo dose.It was what was agreed on and I don't think I could do another mega dose or for that matter a minor dose. Maybe there is something they could run in my veins again to fight off the allergic reaction I'm having and reverse the swelling.
So in a nutshell that is about it, the day has been a day of agony. I weighed in at 203 lbs this morning, I just weighed and I'm 201.5. I just took my last pain pill and I don't see anything else here except the morphine, which don't work so there is no use in taking it. I can see how people get frustrated and giving up seems to be an option at this stage of the game. Tonight, like last night, becomes the past reborn. You fight to stay awake, you make your peace with God and those around you, you fall asleep in pain and fear, knowing you may not wake back up. The only peace comes from if you don't awake you will be in a better place. I wish I could have written something more positive down, but I'm keeping it real.