11-26-2013

I took mom again today to UT, Charlie said he couldn't take her, which was ok with me. Mom seems to be getting more comfortable with my driving there and back. As I told her before, if I have a dizzy spell or double vision and it gets bad enough, I'll pull over and stop before I become a danger to her or others. Mom has been having headaches and dizzy spells along with double vision episodes, so I think she now sees what I see, and that if they are bad enough, standing isn't always an option... let alone driving. They suck but it is what it is. The past ways of doing things are gone and so we adapt to the new ways of doing things.

  We had rain, heavy rain going down, saw a few accidents. I saw people flying by and more than likely what caused the accidents since they were on straight sections of the Interstate. They left out and didn't think it would ever happen to them, as do we all in all things. We never stop to think it has to happen to somebody. We had fun though, talking today. Didn't take us long to figure out we'd both forgotten our cell phones, and that was ok too, no interruptions. Mom said she liked me being down there with her. I think the reason why is it can't all be gloom and doom, or suffering in silence. I have a big mouth, yet these days a weak and fading voice. Be that as it may, all I have to do is open the lines. Be an instigator. I've never met a stranger, just a friend I don't yet know.

  Most there are with someone, as it should be, but ever now and again you find someone there alone. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the best Christan by far, but it is in my belief that we should never be alone, especially fighting a battle for our life. I believe we all have a story to tell and somewhere most if not all wish to tell it. I also believe that everybody needs somebody sometime. Today we met a young man, looked to be in his 20s, sitting alone. All I had to do was open the lines of communication and he and mom made a connection. We met 3 ladies, one of which was back again battling after a remission had given way to the disease coming back, they looked Denise's age. Mom didn't connect with her like she did the young man, but she made a connection. It looked as though a lot made that connection in the waiting area with one another, as the silence was ended. Smiles began to be seen and slowly it looked as though some of mom's weight as well as some others, had slowly been lifted.

  Mom got a short to once again try and get her Nutrifils built back and give her Platelets time to get better. I took her to the two places she wanted to go, which she said would have never happened if I had not been driving her. On the way back mom looked over and apologized for taking up a lot of my day. I told her it did kill my plans to get a tan in the 30 degree weather with rain, lol. I then said I apologized for taking away many of her days when she raised me, especially since it wasn't her job to do it. But she took the job, and thus went from being my grandmother to my mom. I wasn't exactly the model kid either. That being said, I told her I didn't take her because it was my duty but rather because it was my honor to try and put back a little of what she had given me.

  So, if I forget to write Happy Thanksgiving then I say it now. My throat is a mess and I'm teetering on getting sick just a tad. Those of us who eat or celebrate with family and friends, we have much to be thankful for, for in the end this is what matters. Family and friends. Forget the Black Friday sales and spend a day saying thank you to God for all those He has bestowed upon you.        

11-20-2013

  It has been almost a week now since I cut the dose back in 1/2 of the Prednisone to 5mg. It ain't been easy and I was a little late, yeast had already developed in my throat. Breathing and swallowing have been laborious at times but I figure by tomorrow it will be better, I say that everyday to myself. Funny thing about tomorrow is it never actually gets here, when it does it is today.

  Charlie took mom last week, no treatment again, her platelets were too low this time. He decided he wasn't taking her tomorrow so she called me to see if I would. Megan wants to go too. Mom worries about me driving her, it terrifies her when I have the episodes or if I will have one. If they're light ones I can get through them without her even knowing. :) I done good yesterday and that may have her a little more at ease. I couldn't sleep the night before, knees, shoulder, and neck were killing me. Me and Megan went over to Denise's mom and dad and sat with him while her mom went to the doctor and got groceries, then we came home and went to New Market and filled mom's water jugs, then fed the cows.

  I broke my camera case, left it in my pocket pouch and snapped it. I went on Ebay and looked around at used ones, finally bid on one that looked good after losing several bids. Now the funny part. In the search afterward, I was use to not winning the bid, I found a case for mine. I guess I'm not the only one who does stupid things, so I bought it. It came in today and I took my camera apart and placed it in a new case. Works great. Now I must have lost 50 bids over the while and thought I would lose the one I placed. Nope, won it. I don't need 2 cameras so I think I'll give my old one to my cousin. New case and not over a year or two old. I don't think they have a camera, so this would be a good thing.     

11-09-2013

!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOSH !!!

BIG # 13 TODAY !!!

11-07-2013

  I took mom to UT today to get her Chemo, but once again her blood was too low to take it. They gave her a shot to bring her blood up and done all the work leading up to giving her a blood transfusion tomorrow, chemo should resume next week. The Lymphoma is keeping her blood too low for treatment for her other cancer, and it is an aggressive one. I talked with Dr Kilgore and Dr Hanna when they checked mom out and the good news is they haven't given up on her just yet. They are trying things differently since the regular just would not work, and mom knows that.

  There was five of the original people working there from the days I took my Chemo over 3 years ago. I saw Ruth, someone I had not saw since my treatments. I still remember our first time meeting when Ruth said something like, "If your looking for sympathy you will find none here and I have none. I will help you all I can but I will not feel sorry for you." Or something like that. I'm told Denise is a lot like that by friends who have seen her. Strong but kind, thats what they all were there. We waited in 3 different areas along with others, each waiting their turn. There are those there who are new and scared to death, some in kind of like shock, some in disbelief, and some in confusion. I really don't think there is a wrong way to feel or a right way to feel, one just does.

The last wait was at the end of the Hallway, in a little room, along with others. Most had someone with them. There was a lady who had been "cured" and it came back in her female parts. Her husband was with her, a big, strong, rough looking man... yet gentle. Several of the ladies were either bald or partially bald, and this one lady was bald and in a wheelchair. She looked in her thirties maybe early forties, but not old by no standard. She wasn't able to do radiation again and the chemo wasn't doing it solo either so they were trying out an experimental drug.  She said it was her only choice, her only chance. One could see the worry in her husband's eyes yet one saw peace in her eyes and resolve in her calm voice. She was hoarse as was another lady. At first everybody sat in silence but my big mouth stopped that, even mom participated in the conversation, which really didn't have a theme and struck at some things most do not speak of. I thought it also important that we have a laugh and a lot of smiles. Most days it physically hurts to talk and the more I talk the worse it can get, but this, this was worth it I believe. The time passed by so much faster and for a moment people seemed to be with others that had a new normal forced upon them. I started the conversation with the lady's hair loss and told her how beautiful women are when they are bald. Her husband jumped in saying he told her that many times over.  The other ladies who were older started in, some with hair, some just getting hair back.

  I wasn't joking either, though I made a few jokes about my own feelings of when I was bald, and how my hair once back started to relocate.  There is a beauty that most people acquire that screams out when one looks at their face. One hears listening to their words a peace, resolve, and true beauty, one that far exceeds the fake beauty of those who are held to be beauty in worldly aspects. My hair is long now and my beard fairly unkept, so they had no clue that I had been where they are now. As I told the ladies, if someone looks at me and this is all they see, they don't see me. One lady said that it was different for a woman to lose her hair. I corrected her and said I had always prided myself on my hair and one of my worse fears was to go bald, most men do. She said she had never known that.

  We discussed fears and pains, hopes and trails... these things one usually doesn't discuss with those unaware. That includes close family and yes, even doctors and medical trained people. It is a bond that ties much like those who serve in war say they have as well. At the same time, by several people discussing these things their loved ones see and hear things they would normally not see or hear, which opens a deeper support level they can give. It also helps one know that they are not in a boat alone in a storm that rages on. Never have I ever seen that much hope, courage, fear, despair, kindness, hurt, healing, loneliness, love, peace, turbulence, faith in one place all existing at the same time. Never have I seen that much love and hope in people who some would think have little hope, and the evidence of God, and how close and personal one can become with the Creator. I had forgotten that. This is something listening to preaching won't get, going through the motions won't get, or speaking and reading won't get one. This is true and very personal faith. Anyone can praise Him when things are good, but not just anyone can praise Him during trials and tribulations... and that is sad. By the time this horrible disease strips away all one has, their pride, independence, safety, security, and usually financial, only one thing remains, Grace. In the loss of self one finds God, the real God. I can not imagine what one would do if they don't, nor would I try too.

  So anyway, after we left a few hours later we stopped and ate at Applebee's... big mistake. Tonight me and mom both had acid reflux and for the first time since I cut the Prednisone in 1/2, I went back to a full dose of 10mg. The swelling was getting just too bad and tonight I can hardly breathe again. Whatever these restaurants are doing to our food, or crappy food they are serving, I'm out. Mom's worse fear too came true coming back as I dozed off or blacked out a few times, luckily with nobody on the sides of us when we drifted over. I think that came from lack of sleep though a little. I think it may be time to see a doctor about this arthritis, maybe even get my knees fixed. Injuries over the years to my knees, shoulders, elbows, and neck, throat, added to the arthritis the Lyme Disease left me with maybe its time to address. Last nights rain and season changing though is always rough. When we got back I done what is becoming a normal thing, something I had never done before, took a nap. :) Thing change I guess as we get older and more miles on us.