July 27th 2019

   This is a morning post. I must have wanted something to tell them about subconsciously with the fall yesterday then last night I fell out of bed. My bed strikes me waist high so it is a long way down. Going by the bruises and swelled up places I managed to hit my forearm, hip, knee again on the lower wood rail. More bruises have emerged from yesterday's fall and I pulled out some wood that had went in the arm, but maybe I already told that. I am still out of balance, vertigo, just not as bad as yesterday.

   So far this morning I could not go back to sleep but I did blackout a few times, never for long so I feel like I haven't rested. I went outside and checked the birds, cats, and donkeys from the yard. As soon as we get more feed unloaded off the truck I will take a Mineral Block and a Sulpher Block to the cows. I also checked the Aquariums and fed the new fish I bought yesterday. I will probably try to vacuum out 2 tanks today. For now, I'm going to sit down before I fall down.    

July 26th 2019

  Well, today was a tad memorable... maybe. I saw a guy that according to Denise when I told her I found out what kind of cancer he has told me for the third time. No wonder he was in such a hurry to walk away at Harbor Freight. Odd place for us to meet I know.

  I went to Radiation today and asked one of the ladies that works the machine and lines me up it about Radiation Cream. I showed her my back which Denise said last night was bad and that I needed to ask. Shocking that I actually remembered to do it, but I did. She said she had set up where I could meet with Dr. Anderson 's Assistant (not what they are called but hey, I'm doing the best I can), after radiation if I could just wait a while. I asked her what the stuff was, thinking it was mainly a cream that helps the skin with the damage of the radiation. For those who have never had it, it burns and leaves your skin looking much like a sunburn, feel that way too. This has Lidocaine in it to numb the skin, but I don't feel the skin. I feel the bones, the muscles and for sure the spasms, just not the skin. While that may sound crazy it isn't. I have a Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma first diagnosed officially 7-1-2009 as CTCL, I have the Mycosis Fungionoids. That stands for Cutaneous T Cell Lymphoma, you probably saw that on the news. Don't let nobody fool you, it gives you no moment of peace and yes, it is painful. So I explained to her the deadening of feeling from the skin, or maybe just learning how to ignore it until it hits a certain pain level, who can say for sure which. To show her I showed her my knee, complete with 2 patches of skin drug off from the morning fall. In the end, I told her I would just wait until Monday when we met with him since I was in no pain at the moment. It was nice of her to set up the meeting.

   So about this morning. Dr. Flanders always asks if I had any falls and this time I can say yes. I went out this morning to check the status on the Guinea keets that just hatched out and were with their parents, the cats here stalk them. The cats had, as I suspected, moved in around the Guineas in an attempt to separate them from the keets. I hissed loud that that made all but one cat retreat, but she wasn't going anywhere. I saw some rocks and grabbed a handful and tossed them towards the cat. Still, she didn't move. So I went toward her with another handful and this time I would throw them harder. I know the small fence was there, it has been there two years now, yet I failed to acknowledge it. I simply forgot to step over it, didn't even try. Was I too focused on the cat or just didn't connect the dots, either way, I went down. I landed hard on the concrete pavers and came down hands then forearms first, giving the crashing shock some buffer. I slammed the right knee and knew I had damaged the skin on the knee. When I landed I first had to check to see what was damaged and how bad. My arms, much to my surprise had sustained little to no damage only showing up hours later as bruises. I saw the knee and skin removed, I was ok though. Then I started to laugh at being so stupid. I came in and got back on the computer looking at receptacle covers and from 8:30am- 11:08am I must have fallen asleep or blacked out.

   The rest of the day I just ran. Harbor Freight, Rural King, TSC, Food City. I stayed busy today just running errands. Late tonight I felt something hard as I talked on the phone and in my arms was a piece of wood. I scratched it out and will attend to it in the morning.           

July 25th 2019

   Yesterday was rough, and I mean rough. I have paid all week for Saturdays running, but it was worth it...I think. It has been a rough week. It is all but impossible to take the Boswellia for my R.A. so my fingers are getting stiffer and stiffer, which makes typing and damn near else with fingers hard. My other joints sound like they are breaking, making more pops and cracks than a drummer at a rock concert. My O2 levels have been good and last night they went from good to fantastic, 97-100 !!!

  This morning Denise found me bent over my bed, which strikes me about waist high, in a cold, heavy sweat asleep. She asks if I remembered her waking me and giving me my pills this morning, I did. I also remembered her fussing at me telling me I wasn't coherent enough to take a bath and could drown. Truth be known she was probably right but an hour after she left that was exactly what I did.

  Yesterday morning I spit up blood on the Island top which lucky for us is marble. When I spit up anything it is almost always a full mouth of blood, sometimes mixed with puss. Thank you, UT for doing that. Then  I apparently visited the Stove which had plastic on and turned on the Plate Warmer which effectively melted some of the plastic. Thankfully our stove has the glass top. I did something else too but I don't remember what.

   My memory is really, really bad. I'm not sure if I've added strokes to the list I already had or if it is chemo brain, also called brain fog. I went through the line at Pals and wanted extra Ketchup but it came out Extra Frenchie Fries. The whole gang in the bc that heard me stopped and looked at me strangely. I felt so embarrassed that I corrected myself as soon as I said that and corrected what extra I meant to say but offered no explanation why I said that. Even writing this I has to stop and get the wrapper just to see where I went. I seem to repeat that last thing I see or read and that is what comes out. If there is nothing that throws me off it will be words I know, names, places, movies, or common stuff. If I try and fish for what the word is I'll usually ask and if I don't ask please don't offer or start a long list of words you think I meant to say, that tends to piss us off who have that condition. If it is another stroke I guess it is permanent, if it is caused by the chemo, maybe not. They have a less serious-sounding word, TIA, but it is still the same thing.

   So yesterday was chemo day, number 5, only 1 more to go. Next Wednesday I will have the last of these chemos then wait a couple of weeks because that Friday I will have the Gamma Knife and they will burn the 2 tumors in my brain. Hopefully there has not been more surface and hopefully, they will not be cancer. The whole staging number on the lung tumors depends on what the tumors are, and that will determine if I can beat this or not. I talked to a few people, maybe too much, lol. I learned a whole lot, like these flickers of stoppage in my hands and arms is caused by Gabapentin, something I had no clue about. Gabapentin is both a blessing and a curse. It allows me to walk with this Neuropathyand damages it seems I learn about daily. I would not have known this if I had not talked "too much" as you said. Talking to Amy's sister gave me an idea what to expect Friday with the Gamma Knife. Seeing how they will be burning tumors in my brain that may not have seemed relevant to you but it was to me. It is like the muscle just stops and if you read this Denise, yelling solves nothing and not using the muscles also solves nothing and is impractical. Your patience is highly needed here, learn to have some. While it may seem like I'm not trying I am. It is embarrassing when I do drop something or fall asleep at nothing and while it may seem like I don't care, nothing could be farther from the truth. If you think it embarrasses you, try walking in my shoes, then add your attitude that does not look well from where I set nor to those onlooking. While I do not desire sympathy, I do desire understanding. No, you don't deserve this. That said, where some say they don't "why me" I am fully remembering things I've done and so it becomes, "why not me", that is where we differ. I just pray you never end up in this battle for it is one thing to onlook and cheer on, push on, and judge, it is another to live the battle.    

   Let's also go back to something I started to tell but forgot to tell, Esophageal Spasms. These are bad, very bad. They give me Swish & Swallow first, also known as Magic Mouthwash. This does practically nothing. So Dr. Anderson also prescribed Lidocaine Viscous, which effectively numbs pretty much everything it touches. Again, does little to stop the pain. This seems to be more nerve and muscle damage than what the 2 are corrupting. I have found that Baclofen and a 10mg Lortab taken before that will stop about 40-50% of it. It still feels a lot like a heart attack but more a butcher knife sawing from to back around the heart and across the back shoulders. Scary to think that last night a Nitro Pill killed it, or what was left of it. This is how I will lose weight, painfully. I would like to get down to 200lbs, just not this way.

   I walked into the yard this evening to count the Geese, we have a lot of feathers and it appears someone was caught and ate. I could not gain my balance no matter how hard I tried. Funny, I went to Lowes and I was fine, was also fine driving to Radiation, walked out the door a few hours later and everything went wrong. Then I bent over to grab a very large weed and it was all I could do to keep from falling backward, then sideways, the front ways. I felt like I was going to pass out, which is a weird, scary feeling on its own. I am still swimmy headed sitting here and fear to get up, I may pass out or fall straight down in a blackout, which I have done many times. To go out unexpectantly like a lite is a scary situation. My worst fear is that I may cause harm and perhaps even death to someone else. I have this fine line I must use and take a strong look at each minute of the day and base what I do on that. At times it almost becomes more than I can handle.        

 
                  

July 23rd 2019

   Well, you can tell I haven't been knocked down much for long. During the throat cancer chemo, I would almost crawl to make a post. This one takes its toll but nothing like before and I have kept my hair this time, or at least what isn't relocating.

  Saturday me and Denise went everywhere despite Denise's warnings that I could get exposed to something and I would pay for this day. We ate at Tx Roadhouse early, before it got crowded. I had a voucher for a free meal and another one for a free Blooming Cactus, plus we had a gift card. Basically, we ate for free. That was the best ribs I have ever had. We went to Lodge cast Iron store in Sevierville and yes, I bought a skillet. Bass Pro to take back some overpriced under quality pants and swapped for some decent made cheaper pants. The aftermath of chemo usually hits Saturday and Sunday but this time it was Sunday. I slept most of the day and again on Monday, about the same. Today is Tuesday and I have not been able to build any strength up so I am moving slow.

   I got a bill from the ones that did the biopsies and read online to ask the Insurance company what if anything I owe. The bill said 1984.00  but when I called the girl on the phone said 500.00 something. Humana said I owed nothing and if there were any questions they could call and talk to them. The lady on the phone said to ignore the bill and she would have to send it up the channels and let them figure it out. That is something worth remembering. How many people just pay or set up payments without questioning if they owe it.

   There are fatigue and a dead ache that is always here now,  but still nothing like I expected, but enough so as to slow and even stop you in your tracks. Sharpe pain when eating anything that isn't room temperature and eating slowly. That said, I only lost one pound. This is the part that makes you want to scream. Too tired to do much yet too bored to just sit. The bleeding is as it was, heavy most days. I think he screwed something up with the biopsy.        

July 19th 2019

   I skipped a day, yesterday was rough. The chemo hit a day early and it was probably my fault that it did, it hit my kidneys. The pain is excruciating in my chest from what Denise says is Esophageal Spasms caused by the radiation. Given my throat is already compromised from the radiation that was in 2009-2010, I don't have a lot of play left. It can only be described as a hot Dagger going from my front of the chest and through the back and eventually working down the top part of my lungs. It is enough to cease eating and drinking. They gave me a script for Swish & Swallow, which has different names, but it is like pissing on a Forrest fire thinking it would put it out. I told Denise it just doesn't work so I've added taking a 10mg Lortab and a 20mg Baclofen prior to eating. That helps but it still doesn't numb anything enough. Carbonated drinks like Dr.Pepper are a no go and water and Tea are only tolerable at room temperature. Something needs to change. I told Denise I was considering taking advantage of this and losing some of the added weight I have. She said it was early in the game and that weight loss would probably come later like it or not.

   Back to the Kidneys, I drank a Dr.Pepper while chemo was going on and afterward, no water, no Gatorade... and that was a big mistake. I was excited about getting to drink a cold Dr.Pepper and should have been more excited to have some common sense and drink water, Gatorade, and Tea. As yesterday went along I drank tons of water and Gatorade, not to mention Tea Denise brewed. This has turned the tides so to speak. At one time yesterday, I sat for about 30 minutes crunched over the trash can waiting to toss my food up. After that eased off it left me weak and tired, dozing off a few times. My sleep though comes in spurts these days.

   I went to the Brooder room and fed the cats then decided I'd feed the 2 Brooders of chicks. I had washed the dishes and watched some TV, then boredom set in. There just ain't much good to watch these days I'm over the F-bomb and other colorful words being used, over the naked scenes and "romantic scenes". Can someone just make a clean good movie or TV show? In the process of feeding, I got cut on the arm. Annie & TC were the first ones back here, Annie is now an RN, and she asked what cut me and was it clean. Well it is in an old Brooder, rusty wire, and that is covered with chick poop, so probably not. Then Denise came in and started on how I could catch something bad from the filth. I dropped the bomb I had also gone into the big Garage and put the car parts up I had ordered. It is full of black mold so probably not a good decision. Funny what boredom will do.

  The thing I find oddest is that I have now had four chemo treatments, I take one every Wednesday and so there are just two left and while I don't feel great I don't feel like I did with the Throat cancer chemo of 2009. I did notice today that my skin color has got that "chemo color". There is one more thing that has happened that is new, I get cramps and not like usual cramps. They are more like Spasams where the muscle gets hard as a rock and you can feel it by the touch, see it too as it balls up. These hurt bad.

   I missed my Aunt's funeral, the last of eight people that raised me. I missed seeing some of my cousins, Dorothy's children, that were like brothers and sisters to me, some I will probably not get to see again. I went by early at the Funeral Home to pay my respects before the crowd came in. I think that is one of the worst things about cancer, the alienation. The other thing is you feel so bad sometimes it makes you want to lash out at others, and that is just not acceptable.

   There is a man and his wife today, we made friends a couple of days ago. I am not sure his age but I'm going out on a limb here and say the 60s. His son is building him a 37 hot rod and from the picture looks good. He has small cell lung cancer. He and his wife are very upbeat, friendly, and positive. Today... not so much as his news was weighing heavily. They told him they can slow it down but they can't cure or remiss it. I told him about Charlie and how he has small cell lung cancer too, had it for about four or five years. When I was leaving to come over he was weed eating his yard. This seemed to lift the world off his shoulders and his wife smiled and said: "I told you so". What I had told them was the truth, what I didn't was I can't figure out how Charlie can do it.               

July 16th 2019

   I met with a doctor that was taking the place of Dr. Anderson, don't remember his name, but he was nice. It blows my mind just how many doctors I have met or interacted with at Morristown Hamblen  Hospital that has been top-notch doctors. That and the doctors at Thompson Cancer Survival Center are just as nice. I must be old because most look young to me now.

  Thompson Cancer Survival Center called and though a date is not concrete yet it looks like August 2nd is when they will go after the two in the brain. This will come at the end of the radiation and chemo so it will just fit right in. They are not sure the two are cancer but they will burn them out either way.

I have developed a sharp pain when I eat due to the radiation on the esophagus which is causing spasms when I drink a carbonated drink (Dr. Pepper) or anything that is too hot or too cold. The doctor today gave me some Swish & Swallow to use which should calm it down so eating will not be so painful. I've also developed some bad night sweats, except some, come during the day. I stay tired and I've been sleeping a lot lately. Tomorrow I will do bloodwork and then it will be gone over Wednesday before chemo.     

July 14th 2019

   Tomorrow I will see the doctor before radiation as he sees all his patients on Mondays. I will address the debilitating pain that is in my upper chest and throat. I cannot afford a smaller windpipe due to the damage the last radiation left behind. This started out only affecting carbonated drinks but has now moved to anything too warm or cold or swallowed fast.

   Today I slept on and off all day. I am learning to listen to my body. No fevers today so that has improved. Lots of night sweats that will wake me up with a dry mouth due to dehydration. It is like fighting an uphill battle.  

July 13th 2019

    Last night and later yesterday the chemo hit home hard. Denise came in and said I was on the floor with no O2 attached speaking incoherently. It took a while to get me up from the floor and argumentive. So what do I remember...

   I remember being on the web, eBay and Amazon tabs open and looking around, probably a Youtube tab too as I am looking to see how to install a camera system her. I remember starting to take a Lortab for breakthrough pain as the top of my shoulders and front of the top of the shoulders were in major pain. Since it was probably the diaphragm going into spasms I was also considering the Baclofen as it ceases the spasms brought on not from the chemo but from the Steroid itself. That was the end of my memory.

  We talked with Dr. Flanders and Denise mentioned I was having hiccups. These are not regular hiccups but rather dangerous ones. He said there was a patient who had not slept in 3 days once but failed to mention them. Turns out Baclofen, Gabepinten, and another drug stop them. I had the hiccups the 2nd chemo but no pain, not sure I mentioned it, but this one has no hiccups and intense pain. It could be that I'm keeping enough in my system to avert the hiccups but not enough to avert this pain. It feels like someone has inserted a large knife and cutting through bone and meat almost all the way through.



   Annie & TC came back here and offered to stay while Denise fed the chickens and watch me, but I had stabilized by then. Funny how neither one has called to check since they left and it is now 4:07pm the next day. It is back this evening but I will not make the same mistake I did before. This chemo hits not as hard but it hits later than the throat cancer chemo which hit the next day and lasted longer. This morning I was at my computer desk in my bedroom when suddenly a flash of light like a camera flash went off and I came to just in time to avoid crashing into the desk. TMI? Denise had gone to her mom's to fix some things and I was here alone, that woke me up and said get your butt to bed. I slept until 12pm. My system is taxed I can tell. I am weak, off-balance, in pain, tired, and I am still bleeding a lot thanks to the biopsy from UT. The bleeding has never stopped and when I told the Dr. at UT it hasn't even slowed down his answer 2 times was give it a few days. A "few days" has now turned into over a month with no signs of ending soon.             

July 11th 2019

   I skipped a few days there. July 10th I had chemo again and honestly, I just didn't take time to write yesterday. Chemo 3

   Since I was disoriented two days last week from the Advan (spelling ?), Wednesday and Thursday, Friday wasn't much better, I decided to skip the stuff yesterday. The chemo treatment isn't as long as the Throat cancer chemo nor as hard-hitting, so I figured I'd see if I could omit it. I asked the nurse if I could request it as the treatment went on if I wanted it and she said I could since the Pharmacy already sent it up. This was a game-changer for me as I kept alert and mentally focused, that dazed and confused not only left if never appeared.

  Now, back to today. I had an appointment with the Neuro doctor today. They have a very nice staff and I liked them all. He wanted the CD from UT so that was the first thing to gather up, off to UT we went. We got the CD and print out of the doctor's notes that read it. When we went we took the CD to the doctor who viewed the images. He said he wasn't for sure but he does not believe they are cancer. He will review along with a team to see and if they aren't 100% sure then they will use the Gamma Knife to remove them, notice I said them. He spotted a second one. He also spotted where I have had several TMIs.

   Once they start the process where they get in they will remove anything that appears to be trouble or possibly is cancer, then they can look at it closer. I am all for it, better safe than sorry. If these places are not cancer then it will truly be a miracle.         

July 7 2019

  I skipped the 6th and with good cause, chemo finally hit home. I skipped going with Denise to get her oil changed but was pretty adamant about going to Yoder's Market. Misty was waiting here when we got back, it has been a while since I saw her. I think it was good that she saw that I wasn't like the others that have had cancer in the family.  I felt good while Misty visited.

  As the day went on I began to get sick, chemotype sick. I had fever after fever and was soaked in a cold sweat in between. I slept on and off waking only long enough to go to the bathroom. Denise had ordered me a Wedge Pillow and that made being in bed one hundred times easier and a lot more comfortable. I went through it all, diarrhea, fever, sweats, and almost threw up... almost. Denise has taken extremely good care of me.

  I slept until today about 10:40am. The chemo has taken its effects now, Dr. Pepper tastes funny. Some things I like do not taste good and some things I don't like I do now. My mouth is numb which is a weird feeling, reminding me of the past. All this sounds bad and yet the bight spot is that for the first time, wearing oxygen, my o2 stats get as high as 97%!!!

   So tomorrow we will celebrate my birthday not a few days before like we'd planned but on the actual day. I will have made it to 59, something that seemed too far away to experience.

   Having chemo on Wednesday seemed strange at first but upon seeing how things seem to work with this chemo I believe it is best. I have pills to take for the first two days out of chemo and perhaps that is why the first two days aren't like the first two days of the Throat cancer chemo. That makes the prolonged effects hit on the weekend, and that is when I have Denise here to help and watch over me. 

July 5th 2019

   Today's radiation went well. I complimented the team on how the care they gave was top-notch and, extremely appreciated, yet I fell short in making that point. After the next few times, I will begin to feel them, more and more each time. I remember the chemo was Hell last time but the Radiation was worse. Chemo gets rough quicker but Radiation is the slow and steady runner. From this point onward I will need to stay on my toes. I went to bed with a temperature of 99.5, which don't seem like much but fevers can peak in a matter of minutes when doing chemo and radiation and become dangerous. That is what landed in in UT in 2009 for over a week.

   I looked around tonight as Misty and I exchanged texts and suddenly it occurred to me that this bedroom that was once my Sanctuary has so become again. This time, however, so far I can come and go, something I couldn't do after 2 Chemos. Still, it has become once again my safe haven. You have a lot of time to think in here, maybe too much. Lots of unanswered questions like will I be here in a year, what about five? Each time you lose some of your abilities, what will remain this time? Will I grow a garden again? Will, I still have Cows, Donkeys, Sheep, and chickens? Will I be able to build stuff, work on cars, tractors, and the house? It is real thoughts and dreams, hopes and fears. Part of me will be lost this time as well, but what will remain, and will it be enough to build from?

   Last night I sweated so much and I noticed the signs of dehydration, another danger, so I rehydrated. Water and Gatoraid have surely been my saving grace so far as I have done this often already. Last time I didn't know what to expect and was caught off guard, this time I still don't know because there is a difference like a day and night between the treatments, just as the Doctors said. I'm expecting the worse yet gathering better that I had prepared to get.

  So maybe I beat this stuff and maybe I don't. That said, I feel I have the best medical people that can be found and the hospital that matches them. I think they are all good people and doing their very best. I go next week to get set up with the Gamma Knife people and I will be glad that is over with. That will be 1 tumor down, 2 to go. Freaky It is in the brain but blessed it is where it is, they can remove.

UPDATE:

   Already running a temperature of 99.9 and feeling some effects on dehydration so not so fast Dr. Pepper, hello Gatoraid and coming shortly afterward, the water that has been alkalinized to a Ph 10. Not purified, no chemical, just good clean water.

   Also, Denise got me a Wedge pillow that I can't wait to sleep on. I'm looking forward to that tonight and a trip to Yoder's Market tomorrow, I think going with her to the Jeep place may just be too much. I always like to walk around the lot when we go and that would prove to be a bit too much. Never thought I'd get this excited over a pillow.         

July 4th 2019

Happy Independence Day

   I haven't had any adverse effects today from the chemo, they usually hit the next 2 days but are so much milder than the throat cancer chemo was. I have had a lot of blood come up, and I mean a lot, like enough to fill a 10oz bottle. 

  Last night I woke up about every hour on the hour laying in a puddle of sweat. I would move out of it, stay awake a while, then move to another spot only to awake to it about an hour later. I did that until 5am when I just gave up and stayed awake, falling asleep in my chair which lasted about an hour. 

  About the bleeding... I noticed when I ate the Philly Steak sandwich from Hell it got it stayed off real bad. It slowed down until I got hot then it was right back on. The duration and amount have increased. I done a really dumb thing, went into Lowes with my O2 and through the plant section. I headed for the bathroom and did not believe I would make it back. Note to Self: stop the prideful feeling and learn to live without it. So I know that what I eat affects it, the heat affects it, so it must not be the tumor that is bleeding. 

  Tonight I got to bed with a Temp of 99.1. Denise says it is the chemo but I think we both know better. Makes me wonder what kind of infection I had that would drive my WBC to 15K and after enough meds to fix a horse still are at high 11K. 

   Got a call from the one who did the Biopsy in Knoxville at UT for a follow-up. Does that tell you where I'd be if I would have stayed with UT? Here in Morristown Hamblen Hospital, I've already done 2 chemos and 6 radiation treatments. I also go the 11th to set up for the Gamma Knife. The Team I have now is far more superior than the one I had.   

July 3rd 2019

Chemo # 2 Radiation # 6 Day

   Me and Denise went to the cancer center early this morning and got started. They gave me an anti-anxiety med, think I'm ready to leave that one-off next time. The Nurse asked if I wanted it and the coward in me that remembers the horrors of the head & neck treatment says no, I'll take it.

   I have a port this time, something I declined at UT with Head & Neck Cancer. Let me tell you, this is the bomb with very minor inconveniences. There is no pain associated with this and it is much easier on the Nurses and you to have one. When we finished we went to the radiation area but they were swamped, so I had to come back that evening. My mother went with me. Charlie offered but he is getting worse and he knows it, we talk a lot these days.

  The bloodwork I'm sure had some bad stuff in it but one thing mentioned was my white cells counted over 15K. They had dropped to 11K, which is at the top of being bad. This may be where an infection or bacteria grows and the drugs and eventually the fever breaks out.

   I saw a food truck that said it has Philly Steak and other stuff on parked. I decided I would get some and went back. That Philly Steak must have had extremely hot something in it, halfway through my throat started closing up from the swelling and the bleeding went wild. I left the other half for Denise in the Fridge, telling her what it had done to me. It didn't bother her too bad but even she found it spicy.

  We got a call from Thompson Survivor Cancer Center on the Gamma Knife. A meeting is set up with Rick in Sevierville the 11th. He will make a determination if I am a candidate for the Gamma Knife, but everybody seems to think I am. The small tumor on the brain in a place that is easy to get to.

   I am not sure just how much one can endure, or how much one can overcome. By his self, none, with God, only He can answer that question. I am resolved to fight once again until I cannot.    

July 1st 2019

Happy Birthday to my oldest daughter Misty, she turns 40 today. 

   Fevers on and off all night last night but eventually subsided. 4th Radiation treatment today then the Nurse said Dr. Anderson wanted to see me. The Nurse checked my vitals, I once again had a low grade fever. I told her I had been like that all weekend long. Dr. Anderson showed me pictures of what the tumors look like inside and how the radiation is aimed. Then he encouraged questions. This is a man who wants the patient to be in the loop of what is going on, the mark of great care and kindness. Denise's main question was what happens after the CT Scan if it shows the Pleural effusion shows a change. So I asked Dr. Anderson and he said since there wasn't enough to draw from that they are considering it to be just an infection. We will continue this path no matter what turns up. 

   I didn't tell him but I do not question what he does because I feel he has my benefit in mind. He has so far. Tomorrow they will draw blood in preparation for my second chemo on Wednesday.