11-07-2013

  I took mom to UT today to get her Chemo, but once again her blood was too low to take it. They gave her a shot to bring her blood up and done all the work leading up to giving her a blood transfusion tomorrow, chemo should resume next week. The Lymphoma is keeping her blood too low for treatment for her other cancer, and it is an aggressive one. I talked with Dr Kilgore and Dr Hanna when they checked mom out and the good news is they haven't given up on her just yet. They are trying things differently since the regular just would not work, and mom knows that.

  There was five of the original people working there from the days I took my Chemo over 3 years ago. I saw Ruth, someone I had not saw since my treatments. I still remember our first time meeting when Ruth said something like, "If your looking for sympathy you will find none here and I have none. I will help you all I can but I will not feel sorry for you." Or something like that. I'm told Denise is a lot like that by friends who have seen her. Strong but kind, thats what they all were there. We waited in 3 different areas along with others, each waiting their turn. There are those there who are new and scared to death, some in kind of like shock, some in disbelief, and some in confusion. I really don't think there is a wrong way to feel or a right way to feel, one just does.

The last wait was at the end of the Hallway, in a little room, along with others. Most had someone with them. There was a lady who had been "cured" and it came back in her female parts. Her husband was with her, a big, strong, rough looking man... yet gentle. Several of the ladies were either bald or partially bald, and this one lady was bald and in a wheelchair. She looked in her thirties maybe early forties, but not old by no standard. She wasn't able to do radiation again and the chemo wasn't doing it solo either so they were trying out an experimental drug.  She said it was her only choice, her only chance. One could see the worry in her husband's eyes yet one saw peace in her eyes and resolve in her calm voice. She was hoarse as was another lady. At first everybody sat in silence but my big mouth stopped that, even mom participated in the conversation, which really didn't have a theme and struck at some things most do not speak of. I thought it also important that we have a laugh and a lot of smiles. Most days it physically hurts to talk and the more I talk the worse it can get, but this, this was worth it I believe. The time passed by so much faster and for a moment people seemed to be with others that had a new normal forced upon them. I started the conversation with the lady's hair loss and told her how beautiful women are when they are bald. Her husband jumped in saying he told her that many times over.  The other ladies who were older started in, some with hair, some just getting hair back.

  I wasn't joking either, though I made a few jokes about my own feelings of when I was bald, and how my hair once back started to relocate.  There is a beauty that most people acquire that screams out when one looks at their face. One hears listening to their words a peace, resolve, and true beauty, one that far exceeds the fake beauty of those who are held to be beauty in worldly aspects. My hair is long now and my beard fairly unkept, so they had no clue that I had been where they are now. As I told the ladies, if someone looks at me and this is all they see, they don't see me. One lady said that it was different for a woman to lose her hair. I corrected her and said I had always prided myself on my hair and one of my worse fears was to go bald, most men do. She said she had never known that.

  We discussed fears and pains, hopes and trails... these things one usually doesn't discuss with those unaware. That includes close family and yes, even doctors and medical trained people. It is a bond that ties much like those who serve in war say they have as well. At the same time, by several people discussing these things their loved ones see and hear things they would normally not see or hear, which opens a deeper support level they can give. It also helps one know that they are not in a boat alone in a storm that rages on. Never have I ever seen that much hope, courage, fear, despair, kindness, hurt, healing, loneliness, love, peace, turbulence, faith in one place all existing at the same time. Never have I seen that much love and hope in people who some would think have little hope, and the evidence of God, and how close and personal one can become with the Creator. I had forgotten that. This is something listening to preaching won't get, going through the motions won't get, or speaking and reading won't get one. This is true and very personal faith. Anyone can praise Him when things are good, but not just anyone can praise Him during trials and tribulations... and that is sad. By the time this horrible disease strips away all one has, their pride, independence, safety, security, and usually financial, only one thing remains, Grace. In the loss of self one finds God, the real God. I can not imagine what one would do if they don't, nor would I try too.

  So anyway, after we left a few hours later we stopped and ate at Applebee's... big mistake. Tonight me and mom both had acid reflux and for the first time since I cut the Prednisone in 1/2, I went back to a full dose of 10mg. The swelling was getting just too bad and tonight I can hardly breathe again. Whatever these restaurants are doing to our food, or crappy food they are serving, I'm out. Mom's worse fear too came true coming back as I dozed off or blacked out a few times, luckily with nobody on the sides of us when we drifted over. I think that came from lack of sleep though a little. I think it may be time to see a doctor about this arthritis, maybe even get my knees fixed. Injuries over the years to my knees, shoulders, elbows, and neck, throat, added to the arthritis the Lyme Disease left me with maybe its time to address. Last nights rain and season changing though is always rough. When we got back I done what is becoming a normal thing, something I had never done before, took a nap. :) Thing change I guess as we get older and more miles on us.  






 















 































  

10-28-2013 Try Again

This is my second go around attempting to cut back the Prednisone dose, the first time a while back didn't go so well. Denise has no clue that I've cut it. This is day 3 and while it is getting tough to swallow or breathe, I'm continuing on. I'm tired, probably from the swelling in my throat but determined just the same. I've cut back on Mt Dew, started drinking some Tea Denise makes that is sugar mixed with Stevia... take some getting use to. Started drinking water more. Its not been as easy as I'd hoped for but not as hard as it was the last time.

  We fed the cows today for the second time, me and Megan. Ran errands and helped mom set up her computer and find the forms she needs and print them out. Mom wasn't able to take her chemo last week, her blood was too low. So she tries again this week after having a shot to build it back up again. She worries about the cancer that is spreading and the Leukemia that keeps her from getting chemo and radiation for the fast one. 

10-03-2013 Lab Results

  Its been a little while since my results came back, just haven't been online as much lately. The Thyroid dosage Rathfoot prescribed was exactly spot on, no need for adjusting. Blood Fasting test shows that I am borderline Diabetic. Denise thinks maybe from the prolonged use of Prednisone and her sister said there is a good chance it might reverse when I get off it. Tonight I dropped my evening dose of Prednisone, yet another major yeast infection in my throat. I decided to cut the dose in 1/2, starting tonight. It will either work or it won't, we shall see.

  Dr Hana has got mom's blood in good enough shape that she starts chemo this month. It has been a while since after discovering that she also has Leukemia in addition to her cancer. She is scared but nervously awaiting the beginning. Worried about her hair, which will come out in about 2 weeks after the 1st dose. I have to admit, that one bothered me a lot too.

  Michael has finished the Sunroom work he was doing and it looks, as always, great. The man is a perfectionist. We have a guy named William that he recommended for the concrete work. It seems strange that we would hire someone to do that, I worked in it when I was young, but I ain't young no more. He hasn't got to finish the parking pad but he did finish the walk way. His health went south so it will be a while. He called tonight to tell me he would try and get it by early next week, apologized for the delay, and thanked us for being nice and patient. Sickness and health is something we have little to no control over and we fully understand that. If ever I understood anything its that. Just as we told Michael not to worry I also told him the same. I built this house in 82, me and Denise added on 21 years ago, and all this time we've lived just fine without a side walk or concrete parking pad and I'm sure it won't kill us to wait a little longer. Me and Megan though done some of the work today in the prep for the pad, but only because we wanted to do it, not to take away or replace or hurry him up. Megan learns something new, I get to pass the day, and we both get to help someone out.

09-17-2013

I got my teeth today for the bottom. Can you say Tater Chips. :) I took them out tonight from a sore they're making, which is to be expected, and he adjusts them tomorrow. I have to go by later on, me and Megan sit with Denise's dad tomorrow while her mom does her errands.

  The Concrete man has begun. He made a lot of progress today digging out for the concrete. Michael said out last 3 windows were in so I have to pick those up tomorrow too. It is going to be a bit hectic the next 2 days.

  I run mom to her doctor Wednesday and I'm guessing that the concrete might be poured that day, unless it rains. Then maybe Thursday or Friday will do the Diabetes blood test thing, then again, I may put that off another week.

  I dreamed of a Bloomin Onion last week, woke up and even Youtube'd it to get directions. I found out there is a kit, so I ordered it. I've seen the spices kit before, loaded with all  kinds of bad stuff, so I found a recipe. Sure sign of age, when one no longer dreams of women or cars and starts dreaming of food, lol. I actually pinned the videos to my Pintrest, lol.

  Full day today and the next two days. Time for bed.   

9-11-2013 Check Up

We went to see Dr Rathfoot today. It was good and a possible not so good. This was the first visit this year where surgery wasn't on the table, the larger dose of Prednisone has appeared to work on the swelling. The down side is that it appears that it may be causing Diabetes. I never knew it could do that and I'm sure the Mt Dews and sweet Tea ain't helping. Limited Saliva glands means keeping liquid on hand at all times, but I should do more water. Normally I don't eat a lot of starches like Potatoes, except lately. Funny how limited one is after dental surgery and no teeth. I've eaten more scrambled eggs, so much so I'm ashamed to look at a hen. :) More mashed potatoes than I eat in a year.

  He explained that I was fortunate, that it looks as though I will get to keep my voice box. (He didn't call it that). The Radiation burns all the cartilage and if it is burnt bad (most are) then the body attacks it. Eventually it can harden and stop working. Mine seems to have stopped finally and now the hardening. I've learned to use my diaphragm to push out tones and loudness, even though shouting is impossible. Sometimes though, certain sounds come out louder than I intend to and some sounds are harder to make. I figure though if Megan can make sounds that she has never heard, surely I can do what I have heard. Only what we say is impossible is impossible.

  So the next step now is to have a test to see what my blood sugar is. I figure since it is diet and probably lifestyle I need to change. I will, even though Denise says no, cut the Prednisone in 1/2 as soon as the swelling from today goes down. It shouldn't be too bad by weeks end. If it works great and if not, well... we can always go back unless my throat closes off in my sleep. Who knows, maybe by December I can come off it all the way. I haven't discussed it with Rathfoot, easier to ask forgiveness than permission. I will say this though. Dr Rathfoot is a credit to the doctors and medical profession and I am blessed that he is my doctor. The world could use more doctors like him and a step more, he is a man to be inspired to be like.

  So tomorrow I get my impression made and within a week I will once again have lower teeth. I can't wait. I think we will celebrate with a grilling, steak and whatever else hits.

  We loaded and took off eight calves to the market. Me, Denise, Megan, and Mark caught and loaded them up. We have about ten more to take later one and one that sometime this winter we will eat, saved him for us. So far Megan hasn't lost any more ducks to the animal that got a few of them. I took one shot at it and missed but we watch and have a more accurate rifle waiting. I think though we found an even better way, dog hair the dogs shed placed about the field.    

09-10-2013

Check up again tomorrow and after that I'm not sure if I have a dental appointment or its the next day. I skipped a little though on events.

  The tooth that kept breaking off, well, cap and post anyway, finally broke one too many times. I talked with Dr Steltzman who tried to put it back on and it didn't even last a day. The last break went deep enough under the gum line it just wasn't salvageable. I set up an appointment with Dr Sidney Boyd and he done surgery to remove the last two from my mouth. I thought losing the last two would bother me but it didn't. So I go and have my impression made for a full plate, probably what I should have done in the beginning, would have saved a ton of money. But we tried.

  I think maybe my Thyroid will be rechecked this visit or he will order it to be checked. I'm hoping surgery will be off the table but if it ain't then so be it. The hay is in and tomorrow evening we load calves for the market. I guess I'll give in this time.

  Mom meanwhile, things have been one right after the other. They can't give her chemo or radiation due to her blood being low and Nutrifils being low. She has had this problem before but apparently nobody ever bothered to test it properly. Well, UT to the rescue again. Dr Hana done tests and mom has Leukemia too, which is preventing the treatment for the other cancer which is aggressive. In between those two findings yet another cancer on her nose, but it was fixed.

  I think at this stage I'm just tired but calm now. I figure God will do what He will and whatever He decides for any of us, though it may not be what we wanted, will be whatever is best. Me and Denise went on a bike ride Sunday for a few hours, something I had said we'd do more of this year. This was however our first real ride, despite the lack of gardening. After my lawnmower lesson it took a while to heal up enough to use the hand, then I seem to head downhill, then mom went downhill, then all the rain. The day was nice and I think we both needed that, I know I did. For a few hours the world seemed to be at peace. Denise is already planning next year's Anniversary trip, somewhere in the Caribbean. I've been engrossed in Pintrest. I guess we've all got our ways of escape, even if only for a moment.   

Happy Birthday Megan

Happy 21st Birthday Megan Kimmae`. 

 You almost had the name Megan Mae, Mae from your mom's grandmother Mae. On the night you were born though, things changed, and fast too. You gave no sign that it was anything more than a regular child birth until you started out. You were what they called a double nucal, or something like that. The Umbilical Chord was wrapped around your neck twice so they had to stop you and cut it from around your neck first. Then they resuscitated you. It was a hard, scary birthing and they all worked hard that night.

  So we wanted to honor the doctor that delivered you, his name is Kim. So later that night we talked about it and put the Kim along with the Mae, which made the name Kimmae. This is what I intended on calling you but dad started out calling you Megan, then the rest of the family did too.

  You were that .01% that birth control pills make an error on. If anything even tells the worth of someone or wants proof that God intended on them being here it is you. .01% chance, so I'm guessing God wanted you here a lot, and He put you with us. My memory comes and goes during that time from the Lymes Disease I guess, but I remember the strength your mom had and still has.

  I think you were about 3 when we discovered your hearing loss, but when you were born we didn't notice. Denise taught you how to form your letters using percussion, holding your hand up to her mouth and pronouncing a letter, then holding it to your mouth to imitate it. Night after night, day after day, year after year. She took you to UT Speech & Hearing, who also taught you how to use your hearing aides and learn words and sounds. It didn't take us long to figure out though that it wasn't you who were born with a handicap, it was us. You hear watching expressions and body language and, you hear someone's heart, a rare gift.

You have no idea how much you changed our world... for the better. From you I have learned much and you probably didn't know that, but it is true. I've learned from all 3 of you but perhaps you the most. You took teasing and cruelty and yet didn't hold a grudge and have always been quick to forgive. Gentle in nature and though you are physically strong, your inner strength amazes me to this day. You went to school where some teachers said you didn't belong, put up with their sarcasm and sometimes cruel words knocked you down, and yet you got back up. I will say that with a lot of them when you were in school you didn't fit in, you were above that. I also remember you seeing if I needed anything when I was so sick, and even to this day when bad days come, you help. Me and Denise are both extremely proud of you, as we are your sisters. Now if we can just get you to drive. :)