July 7 2019

  I skipped the 6th and with good cause, chemo finally hit home. I skipped going with Denise to get her oil changed but was pretty adamant about going to Yoder's Market. Misty was waiting here when we got back, it has been a while since I saw her. I think it was good that she saw that I wasn't like the others that have had cancer in the family.  I felt good while Misty visited.

  As the day went on I began to get sick, chemotype sick. I had fever after fever and was soaked in a cold sweat in between. I slept on and off waking only long enough to go to the bathroom. Denise had ordered me a Wedge Pillow and that made being in bed one hundred times easier and a lot more comfortable. I went through it all, diarrhea, fever, sweats, and almost threw up... almost. Denise has taken extremely good care of me.

  I slept until today about 10:40am. The chemo has taken its effects now, Dr. Pepper tastes funny. Some things I like do not taste good and some things I don't like I do now. My mouth is numb which is a weird feeling, reminding me of the past. All this sounds bad and yet the bight spot is that for the first time, wearing oxygen, my o2 stats get as high as 97%!!!

   So tomorrow we will celebrate my birthday not a few days before like we'd planned but on the actual day. I will have made it to 59, something that seemed too far away to experience.

   Having chemo on Wednesday seemed strange at first but upon seeing how things seem to work with this chemo I believe it is best. I have pills to take for the first two days out of chemo and perhaps that is why the first two days aren't like the first two days of the Throat cancer chemo. That makes the prolonged effects hit on the weekend, and that is when I have Denise here to help and watch over me. 

July 5th 2019

   Today's radiation went well. I complimented the team on how the care they gave was top-notch and, extremely appreciated, yet I fell short in making that point. After the next few times, I will begin to feel them, more and more each time. I remember the chemo was Hell last time but the Radiation was worse. Chemo gets rough quicker but Radiation is the slow and steady runner. From this point onward I will need to stay on my toes. I went to bed with a temperature of 99.5, which don't seem like much but fevers can peak in a matter of minutes when doing chemo and radiation and become dangerous. That is what landed in in UT in 2009 for over a week.

   I looked around tonight as Misty and I exchanged texts and suddenly it occurred to me that this bedroom that was once my Sanctuary has so become again. This time, however, so far I can come and go, something I couldn't do after 2 Chemos. Still, it has become once again my safe haven. You have a lot of time to think in here, maybe too much. Lots of unanswered questions like will I be here in a year, what about five? Each time you lose some of your abilities, what will remain this time? Will I grow a garden again? Will, I still have Cows, Donkeys, Sheep, and chickens? Will I be able to build stuff, work on cars, tractors, and the house? It is real thoughts and dreams, hopes and fears. Part of me will be lost this time as well, but what will remain, and will it be enough to build from?

   Last night I sweated so much and I noticed the signs of dehydration, another danger, so I rehydrated. Water and Gatoraid have surely been my saving grace so far as I have done this often already. Last time I didn't know what to expect and was caught off guard, this time I still don't know because there is a difference like a day and night between the treatments, just as the Doctors said. I'm expecting the worse yet gathering better that I had prepared to get.

  So maybe I beat this stuff and maybe I don't. That said, I feel I have the best medical people that can be found and the hospital that matches them. I think they are all good people and doing their very best. I go next week to get set up with the Gamma Knife people and I will be glad that is over with. That will be 1 tumor down, 2 to go. Freaky It is in the brain but blessed it is where it is, they can remove.

UPDATE:

   Already running a temperature of 99.9 and feeling some effects on dehydration so not so fast Dr. Pepper, hello Gatoraid and coming shortly afterward, the water that has been alkalinized to a Ph 10. Not purified, no chemical, just good clean water.

   Also, Denise got me a Wedge pillow that I can't wait to sleep on. I'm looking forward to that tonight and a trip to Yoder's Market tomorrow, I think going with her to the Jeep place may just be too much. I always like to walk around the lot when we go and that would prove to be a bit too much. Never thought I'd get this excited over a pillow.         

July 4th 2019

Happy Independence Day

   I haven't had any adverse effects today from the chemo, they usually hit the next 2 days but are so much milder than the throat cancer chemo was. I have had a lot of blood come up, and I mean a lot, like enough to fill a 10oz bottle. 

  Last night I woke up about every hour on the hour laying in a puddle of sweat. I would move out of it, stay awake a while, then move to another spot only to awake to it about an hour later. I did that until 5am when I just gave up and stayed awake, falling asleep in my chair which lasted about an hour. 

  About the bleeding... I noticed when I ate the Philly Steak sandwich from Hell it got it stayed off real bad. It slowed down until I got hot then it was right back on. The duration and amount have increased. I done a really dumb thing, went into Lowes with my O2 and through the plant section. I headed for the bathroom and did not believe I would make it back. Note to Self: stop the prideful feeling and learn to live without it. So I know that what I eat affects it, the heat affects it, so it must not be the tumor that is bleeding. 

  Tonight I got to bed with a Temp of 99.1. Denise says it is the chemo but I think we both know better. Makes me wonder what kind of infection I had that would drive my WBC to 15K and after enough meds to fix a horse still are at high 11K. 

   Got a call from the one who did the Biopsy in Knoxville at UT for a follow-up. Does that tell you where I'd be if I would have stayed with UT? Here in Morristown Hamblen Hospital, I've already done 2 chemos and 6 radiation treatments. I also go the 11th to set up for the Gamma Knife. The Team I have now is far more superior than the one I had.   

July 3rd 2019

Chemo # 2 Radiation # 6 Day

   Me and Denise went to the cancer center early this morning and got started. They gave me an anti-anxiety med, think I'm ready to leave that one-off next time. The Nurse asked if I wanted it and the coward in me that remembers the horrors of the head & neck treatment says no, I'll take it.

   I have a port this time, something I declined at UT with Head & Neck Cancer. Let me tell you, this is the bomb with very minor inconveniences. There is no pain associated with this and it is much easier on the Nurses and you to have one. When we finished we went to the radiation area but they were swamped, so I had to come back that evening. My mother went with me. Charlie offered but he is getting worse and he knows it, we talk a lot these days.

  The bloodwork I'm sure had some bad stuff in it but one thing mentioned was my white cells counted over 15K. They had dropped to 11K, which is at the top of being bad. This may be where an infection or bacteria grows and the drugs and eventually the fever breaks out.

   I saw a food truck that said it has Philly Steak and other stuff on parked. I decided I would get some and went back. That Philly Steak must have had extremely hot something in it, halfway through my throat started closing up from the swelling and the bleeding went wild. I left the other half for Denise in the Fridge, telling her what it had done to me. It didn't bother her too bad but even she found it spicy.

  We got a call from Thompson Survivor Cancer Center on the Gamma Knife. A meeting is set up with Rick in Sevierville the 11th. He will make a determination if I am a candidate for the Gamma Knife, but everybody seems to think I am. The small tumor on the brain in a place that is easy to get to.

   I am not sure just how much one can endure, or how much one can overcome. By his self, none, with God, only He can answer that question. I am resolved to fight once again until I cannot.    

July 1st 2019

Happy Birthday to my oldest daughter Misty, she turns 40 today. 

   Fevers on and off all night last night but eventually subsided. 4th Radiation treatment today then the Nurse said Dr. Anderson wanted to see me. The Nurse checked my vitals, I once again had a low grade fever. I told her I had been like that all weekend long. Dr. Anderson showed me pictures of what the tumors look like inside and how the radiation is aimed. Then he encouraged questions. This is a man who wants the patient to be in the loop of what is going on, the mark of great care and kindness. Denise's main question was what happens after the CT Scan if it shows the Pleural effusion shows a change. So I asked Dr. Anderson and he said since there wasn't enough to draw from that they are considering it to be just an infection. We will continue this path no matter what turns up. 

   I didn't tell him but I do not question what he does because I feel he has my benefit in mind. He has so far. Tomorrow they will draw blood in preparation for my second chemo on Wednesday.  

06-30-2019

   This has been a rough day. I slept well last night but just could get going this morning. When I did finally work my way to the couch I broke out and stayed in a sweat, looked like I had got out of the bathtub, plus ran a fever of 100. I coughed up a lot of blood again today.

  The steroids are making me ill so I have to check my filter as to what comes out of my mouth. It is hard to be jolly and hurt plus have those things in your system. I just hope the ones that are around me know and overlook. 

June 29, 2019

  Rough night last night, I had forgotten just how bad this stuff can really be. I've slept finally from about 9:50am to 1:00 pm, and I'm about to do this again. Denise asked where I felt bad at and my answer is everywhere. That is hard to get someone who has never had to do Chemo or Radiation, you just can't explain "everywhere". We're talking bones, body aches, muscles... almost everywhere. \

  So this morning about 8:00am I took a bath, washed my hair, got dressed and Denise got ready too and we went to the Jefferson Farmer's COOP for chicken feed. 157.00 dollars worth. Hello, it is called chicken scratch and usually means cheap.  

   We came back and Denise unloaded the feed. She has taken over my chicks I hatched out, something I sorely miss doing. She claims there are at least 200 chicks of various sizes, and Denise is probably right. I don't know what if anything I was thinking but I set a lot of Maran eggs and then later Guinea eggs. I didn't set any Auranca eggs, I've lost the genetic control for pure blooded birds. No Turkens, Denise hates those birds. I set them as if I was going to be good to care for them, but here I am, not being able to. There Denise is having to do it all. We have about 100 chickens that are adults. 

  I had all these plans on building some new pens but in the end, none of them got done. We make plans and God laughs.