Tonight a major headache. I use to never get headaches but they are pretty frequent these days. From what I read on the sinus polyps that is one of the things they cause, along with dizziness. Tonight Denise explained how they formed according to Dr Rathfoot, I didn't remember what he said. I wonder if the traumas done weren't related to the swelling and that affected the swallowing. I still, when I swallow. It still takes concentration and a spot of luck as to which way things go. Sometimes when I swallow it goes right and that is getting better each day. Sometimes it heads back up in my nose and sometimes into my airways. Some still get stuck frequently and I have learned to do a short burst or cough... just a quieter one. Where most people freak out, I done the same, when things go wrong it has become such a common occurrence that I remain calm now. It is pretty much expected with any food or drink. I can almost guess by the texture and thickness if it is going to be a pain and which way if any it will travel. God knows I had enough junk come out of my nose when I took chemo or when I dehydrated during radiation while throwing up. I really hope the medication works, I'm really not wanting to have surgery but if that is what it would take then so be it... as long as the cancer is gone. This also causes a constant drip or running in the back of my throat which would explain the rawness.
It would also appear that I am granted a certain number of steps each day to take. I actually start out not too bad then each evening the neuropathy increases to the level that walking across the house or even applying my weight bring excruciating pain. I have learned that wearing socks all the time helps a little, especially keeping my feet warm. My hands are slowly returning back. I guess we gotta start somewhere, lol. Sally and I talk every night and she has neuropathy for quite some time now. Like mine, hers is at a fluctuating level, not a constant. There has to be a common thing that triggers it.
There is a part of me that once again changed throughout all of this. I will still rate the heart attack as the most pain at a given time but the treatments for and the actual pyriform sinus cancer (throat cancer) has to get the ribbon for pain. The heart attack will soon end one way or the other, it doesn't drag on and on. This has been a living Hell on earth and seems to never end, yet it will one day one way or the other. After the heart attack I knew what comes next and the fear of death was taken away. As a good friend once said (PMH Atwater), people pray that their loved ones will not die or come back, yet when we do, we are rewired. This isn't always a good thing and what people get is the new updated version back. It is however a good version, one that doesn't really fit here, but not ready for there either.
The cancer and all it's treatments has had the reverse effect in many ways. I find I am short tempered, something I detest in a person. Even though I still am me and am physically alive there is a part of me that is already dead. There is something about living in that much pain for so long, being that dependent of so many people, and not knowing when if indeed it will end that one changes inside. The looks with faces that smile yet hold back the tears when they look at what is left of you or look and judge you thinking you brought it upon yourself. I have been fortunate with having family and most of the medical staffs that were compassionate and worked hard for me to go through this. There have been a few though that felt nothing or if anything, superiority and been bullies. Thank God they were few. Dad didn't quite have it that lucky until he hit Knoxville. Those that haven't been so decent I look at and smile knowing they will answer to God for that and take it the best way I can.
I can't see things like I use to and wonder, sometimes laughing at and sometimes feeling sorry for most I see. People who wrap themselves up in their job or company and think that is actually getting them somewhere. A huge part of me came back looking at things like that and now with this it has intensified. I sat and looked around the other day, man the things I have built. The things I have repaired. The things I have acquired. The key word is things, that is all they are, just things. They wear with time and age with time slowly returning back to where they come from unless one works their butt off to make them last and even then it is a struggle to make them them last just a bit longer, maybe until you die. I went to an auction the other weekend where all he things the people had were sold to people, people collecting things that would one day be sold, just as those people had done.
Being in real estate I looked at many houses... how small they were back years ago, how plain and different. Houses now-a-days are massive in comparison and it is funny but true happiness has went the other direction. Family and friends meant a lot. People had time to rest, even though they worked hard, they still had time. Aspirations of true wealth were not measured by things or job titles, rather by family time and joy. Jobs were a way to make money and one job is just an important as the other as long as the person was happy doing that job. People are so consumed with what is in fashion, what make-up to wear, car to drive, biggest house with the finest linens and furniture. Most make it to church on time and get their I'm doing great things going on inside me. Almost all in debt themselves heavily with 30 year mortgages, new cars, new medicines/// but are they truly happy? I was there once. The employer sees his employees in debt and instantly know that this is a man or woman ready to serve the company and place them first.The TV gives them an idea just what they want and want to be. But it is all an illusion, an illusion of track one in.
I have feelings of despair that I cannot do what I once did yet with this rest time that my body makes me take I have time to reflect and prioritize what is real and what has true value and meaning. Then I look at these who aren't bad people, just misguided people. I would venture to say about 90%. The lies are believable, these aren't stupid people for the most part, just misguided. Working with Fannie Mae for a while and some banks one comes to the realism that it is full of these stressed, sad, little people who bleed for their company. the question is though, would the company bleed for them? While people may make big money, have power and authority granted them-- what does it really prosper them, nothing. The biggest questions should be how will God view my life? Will God be that same ti me as I was to those I was in charge of? There are no percentages or excuses accepted there.
We watch shows like Hell's Kitchen, Trump, and so, so many more where people want to get ahead, so much so they allow a bully to take them there? We have been led to believe that the money money, the more honor. The more power, the more prestige. The more pride we have the more we have become. The more money we have the more fancy things like cars and big houses and cars must mean we have made it. Somehow I just can't believe the lies anymore. These are all just things. Worse of all these are things Jesus warned us about. Many churches play this same game. While physically I can't do it even more, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, I just can't continue to believe the lies let loose upon this earth in this time. Covet, lust, greed, hoarding, pride... no matter how you look at it, that is what it is. They are endorsed by words that sound good like Free Market, when there is actually nothing free about it. Slogans like it's nothing personal ring out yet... it is personal, it is personal to God.
I think going through this Hell has been the worse best thing of my life for it may very well save me from Hell one day. God doesn't want people like Free Market people when their job swings on a pendulum, full of stress and pride. God wants humble people, caring people, people content to do what job He created them too do. This cancer has made me see, even if it costs my physical life, for I was one of those. While I pray for recovery I also pray that if this has placed me where I needed to be, closer to what He wants, it will be the right time for me to go home. This life here on this planet is not what we were created to do forever, and it is so short, but rather to prepare us for the day we account for the things we said, felt, acted to and reacted to, and if we done it well. I can't answer for you no more than you can answer for me. All I can do is say I am sorry and change, and this has changed me dramatically.
I pray the next time you are driving you remember this by not being a bully. I pray that you learn to be humble. I pray that you look at who is your god. Then I pray you live accordingly by knowing the difference between earthly things and things that have true worth. They are all around you and they are freely given you.