12-6-2010

Still have a bad cold but I think maybe it is beginning to turn since the Levaquin was started. I slept again on Sunday on and off all day. I suppose that I should be thankful that my throat was better enough to have a sore throat and know I have one. Still on Prednisone and it helps with the swelling inside but seems to not stay for long. Still, I awake sometimes from my throat closing off. It's a weird feeling yet one that I have grown use to over time. Funny what one can get use to. Blood work last week shows that my Thyroid is not functioning but my T3 & T4 levels still aren't off enough to start the medication Dr Beth says.

While I hate to admit it, the chemo brain or fog, whichever tern it is, is still bad. Maybe a little better because I realize just how bad lately. I've learned to just slow down and when I forget what I am doing somewhere to stall and hope it comes back to me. I have forgotten so much. Ever since the heart attack my short term memory has been off but now long and short term are compromised. It doesn't seem though to be any getting better. It gets embarrassing sometimes, most times.

Maybe it's the medication but twice now I have awoke to some pretty horrific dreams, and some weird dreams too. Daddy is in most of them and we are acting crazy like we use to yet I know in the dream he is gone. Tonight we played making faces at each other and smiling through a crowd. He was my only comfort from the crowd I had gotten myself into. In the dream I catch myself playing this silly game of leaning back and forth, making a face and smiling at each other like we did when we were out in a crowd and got separated, then I realized that I was the only one who could see him and had better stop before people thought I was nuts. Or the one where we talk at mom's and he tells me how to build a thing to stack my firewood on, and we're talking exact detail. We argued as he always overbuilt everything and I always cut corners, not a heated argument though. I spent some time and seeing how he only had a little time left to stay I told him I was going home so he and mom could have some alone time. I built it like he said to build it in the dream. The thing is holding more firewood that my design could have ever held, looks pretty good, and will probably out last me. I won't go over the third one in which there was no comfort. I have only been able to remember three so far. Strange, because I usually never dream or at least don't remember dreaming.

So here I set at 6am and will try and go back to bed. Another day.