I have to preadmit for surgery at St Mary's today for next week. Wonder if that is like preboarding, lol. This is something new they've started since my last surgery. Denise gave me orders not to get dirty, so here I sit. This is 3 good days in a row which makes it hard to just sit. I wonder if I mow the yard if she'd be able to tell. I checked the date and we will get to celebrate Denise's birthday the day before surgery. For that I'm thankful.
My mind and frustration is on Charlie, he seems to already be tossing in the towel. I know when he saw me smiling and being positive it must have looked bad, but he has enough negative going on with the pain. Hopefully that smile and those thoughts will strike a cord somewhere. He knows full well I've lived in that Hell, so hopefully he will smile back inside somewhere. Bill said this morning they were going to get a Feeding Tube installed, which is fine if he needs it. This is why I was trying to tell him that if there was another way like they first thought (surgery) to go that route. He didn't realize just how bad it is, and he's just getting started. If Hell is 3 feet down, he is at the first inch mark, and then you sometimes tunnel. The time to start the battle is at the beginning.
God how I hate cancer. I had forgotten just how bad it is. As a victim you feel helpless and sometimes, even though you say one thing positive you feel like your drowning and in a sea of hopeless pain and misery. I remember when people came to see me and I saw, even though they would try and hide it, the pain and shock in their faces when they looked and talked to me. That isn't as bad as it gets though. The worse part is when you hurt so bad for so long, you just kind of don't notice it, actually expect it. Death becomes quite an attractive option, yet you don't have options anymore.
As a spectator you feel worthless and helpless, useless at times. All you can do is watch and help as much as they will allow you, and pray. We've lost quite a few to cancer in our family over the years, too many. I'm not sure how nurses and doctors work in that field, but I'm sure glad they do. I'm not sure how they can keep their heart yet they seem to have bigger hearts. They remain distant enough to not have sympathy, yet close enough to have compassion. This is something that heroes are made of. Something that can and does make a huge difference in the outcome.
I think today Charlie is getting more fluids, one of the mistakes I made he is doing right. He will be in the company of the ladies at the Chemo Hut where he will get compassion without sympathy. He is going to have to fight though, and I know how hard it is to do that. I think faith and fighting is all the individual has at their disposal. In the end though, God makes the final call. I do think though we are to fight with all we have.
My mind and frustration is on Charlie, he seems to already be tossing in the towel. I know when he saw me smiling and being positive it must have looked bad, but he has enough negative going on with the pain. Hopefully that smile and those thoughts will strike a cord somewhere. He knows full well I've lived in that Hell, so hopefully he will smile back inside somewhere. Bill said this morning they were going to get a Feeding Tube installed, which is fine if he needs it. This is why I was trying to tell him that if there was another way like they first thought (surgery) to go that route. He didn't realize just how bad it is, and he's just getting started. If Hell is 3 feet down, he is at the first inch mark, and then you sometimes tunnel. The time to start the battle is at the beginning.
God how I hate cancer. I had forgotten just how bad it is. As a victim you feel helpless and sometimes, even though you say one thing positive you feel like your drowning and in a sea of hopeless pain and misery. I remember when people came to see me and I saw, even though they would try and hide it, the pain and shock in their faces when they looked and talked to me. That isn't as bad as it gets though. The worse part is when you hurt so bad for so long, you just kind of don't notice it, actually expect it. Death becomes quite an attractive option, yet you don't have options anymore.
As a spectator you feel worthless and helpless, useless at times. All you can do is watch and help as much as they will allow you, and pray. We've lost quite a few to cancer in our family over the years, too many. I'm not sure how nurses and doctors work in that field, but I'm sure glad they do. I'm not sure how they can keep their heart yet they seem to have bigger hearts. They remain distant enough to not have sympathy, yet close enough to have compassion. This is something that heroes are made of. Something that can and does make a huge difference in the outcome.
I think today Charlie is getting more fluids, one of the mistakes I made he is doing right. He will be in the company of the ladies at the Chemo Hut where he will get compassion without sympathy. He is going to have to fight though, and I know how hard it is to do that. I think faith and fighting is all the individual has at their disposal. In the end though, God makes the final call. I do think though we are to fight with all we have.
4 comments:
That was a tough-to-read post, Anthony. I breaks my heart to hear that Charlie may be giving up. I have absolutely no idea what it's like to go through what you two have gone through, so I can't even imagine how difficult it is.
I just hope Charlie can focus on things he enjoys in life. I also hope he is a man of faith, as I don't know how anyone battles cancer without the support of faith. Otherwise you would be questioning everything. Death. The point of life. etc.
Even as a Christian, I'm sure I would doubt those things if I was going through what he is. I suppose the silver lining would be that in my heart, as you said, I would know that God has the final say. In a finite way, I think that would give me peace.
It must be times like this that, and forgive me if I speak out of turn Anthony, you must actually be grateful for the near death experience you had with the heart attack. Having to face death the way you did helps (and I don't mean "makes easy") you face other life-threatening obstacles such as cancer. Do you find that being the case?
Sorry to rant on. I will pray for Charlie and yourself, Anthony. Keep posting on this blog; I look forward to each entry. :)
Thanks for your prayers David, that is what I truly feels is the difference in this world.
Over the years I've thought about the heart attack and while I can say honestly I would have not chosen it, it saved my life. It sounds strange but it was definitely the worse best thing that could have ever happened to me, and I thank God for it.
I can't even reference what it would be like going through this stuff without having that as a reference. Somehow I wouldn't have missed it for the world. The NDE has provided strength when I was weak. Hope where there was little. Faith for when I could not see. Knowledge that there is life when this one is no more.
This second cancer has oddly enough began filling in some other areas that I actually needed. Did I want it? Not really, but again I thank God for it, for I needed those spaces filled in. (A vacation though would be nice from pain and strife) :), but, not my will but Thy will be done. I'm still very much a work in progress, and I've a long way to go. I have learned though to "be still."
I got a taste that night of the Glory of God and from that taste, even just one second of being near Him again is worth more than anything that this life and world can toss at me. Imagine forever.
I hope that when all is said and done that I will have been good enough not to remember how I died or what strife I had, but how I lived, and hopefully left this place a little better than when I came for someone else. Even more, that I will continue to live with God long after this shell is cast away. Hopefully with a smile, cause I'll be smiling.
Hi Anthony,
I came across your blog "accidentally" - and I felt so prompted to drop you a little note that for the very first time, that I signed myself up tonight on Facebook (despite having declined many previous invitations), just to be able to do so.
It really breaks my heart to read about your experience with throat cancer and your struggle to "fight" it.
Yet, please know that this is not your struggle alone. God is with you every moment and He wants me to tell you this: "Let go, and let Me." That is faith in operation.
God never intends for you to suffer any disease - be that your heart attack or cancer - and most certainly, He does not want you to "thank God" for them.
Healing is a gift from God, and like a loving Daddy, He wants to give it to you freely the way He gave Jesus to you and I. Like our salvation, we only need to step out in child-like faith and receive it with thanksgiving, believing that Jesus' stripes on His broken body have healed and made us whole. That is the unmerited grace of God.
Writing this note has not been easy for me, and to be honest, I struggled with it. I sincerely wish for you to be well, truly. Please don't take it any other way.
Finally, I would like to share with you a book that has blessed me tremendously. It's entitled "Destined To Reign" by Joseph Prince. He is also featured on your Trinity Broadcasting Network.
Shalom, and God's loving grace be with you, Antony!
"Fear not: believe only, and [you] shall be made whole." - Luke 8:50
Hi Josephine,
It is received well and Humbly appreciated. Thank you for those kind words, words I needed to hear today. It is truly accurate as well.
Thank you on the book recommendation, I will look into it.
May God Bless & Keep You, Shalom,
Anthony
Post a Comment