Saturday, December 26, 2009
videos I like -Page 1
Keeping track a bit of videos I listen to: I'll add as found.
The first 4 are what I listened to each night. Before I knew I had throat cancer, I listened to every night and made my peace with God. I really didn't expect to wake up each morning. This went on for weeks. I would fight to stay awake and just as I would give out, I had these copied on my computer.
The first 4 are what I listened to each night. Before I knew I had throat cancer, I listened to every night and made my peace with God. I really didn't expect to wake up each morning. This went on for weeks. I would fight to stay awake and just as I would give out, I had these copied on my computer.
12-26 late post
Well we definitely now know that the tooth is live and abscessing. The right side of my lower jar is swelled. Hopefully this will have no impact on my radiation. I am so past ready for this thing to be over. Hopefully we can find a dentist that is open and willing to do a root canal and that way the pressure and puss can get out. When I was attending my family physician we still thought it was a sore throat and I was instructed to stop taking the antibiotics I was on. Guess what, I found them and started taking them for this along with Ibuprofen. My jaw is still swelled and who knows, it may be painful but with the pain patch on and the Morphine if I need it, it doesn't hurt.
I slept on and off all day, even watched a movie. At one time I gain back to 199 but I've since dropped back to 198.5 lbs. I was even able to eat apple pie! I'm not making the same mistake of drinking a Coke tonight and I've only drank 1 small glass of Pepsi. These are things that I will not be able to do very soon when radiation starts and I imagine that my throat will be back like it was in a couple of weeks. Even water hurts then.
I watered the plants in the Sunroom. I've got three banana plants that have pups, two have two each. Mark came back and got their presents, he said he liked his. William came back and we talked about a steel flat bed I've found on Craigslist.org. My fight is coming back in me. I think sometimes we just hit a wall, or at least I did. Denise and Matt took two trucks loads o trash from both houses to the dump in Big Ugly. That is who the bed is for. It ran well for them.
Denise doctored the bottom of my feet again, probably the last place left with pain from the chemo. Most of the scars are healed on the rest of my body. I noticed that the Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma has even took a hit in all but a few places. I'll ask Dr Green in our next visit if I should hit the rest with the Narrow Band UVB machine, but that be a bit much. If it is then I'll just ignore it. Since I have my own machine to give myself treatments it's no big deal. even the patches left of it aren't painful right now.
Today, except for the tooth has been a great day compared to the last few weeks. Now if just could ever get warm again. I'm about ready for bed.
Cody. I didn't know how to respond back to your message on Facebook. I'm still learning a lot on it, so I will place it here. I'm not smart or I would not have stayed on the road I was on, but thank you for the compliment. Your mom loves you and cares about you and your brother. You can quit. There is nothing about quitting that is easy and if you fail, try again. I have tried many times and if I fall again, I will get right back up again and try. You are young and strong minded and strong willed. Strength is not measured by life's fall or failures but rather by getting back up and trying again. Falling does not define a man, a man is defined by what he does after he falls. If you even need to talk just call me or email me. I looked for a certain video I found last night but couldn't find it for you. This one is second to that one. One of the most powerful words ever created is BELIEVE. Believe in yourself and believe in God.
I slept on and off all day, even watched a movie. At one time I gain back to 199 but I've since dropped back to 198.5 lbs. I was even able to eat apple pie! I'm not making the same mistake of drinking a Coke tonight and I've only drank 1 small glass of Pepsi. These are things that I will not be able to do very soon when radiation starts and I imagine that my throat will be back like it was in a couple of weeks. Even water hurts then.
I watered the plants in the Sunroom. I've got three banana plants that have pups, two have two each. Mark came back and got their presents, he said he liked his. William came back and we talked about a steel flat bed I've found on Craigslist.org. My fight is coming back in me. I think sometimes we just hit a wall, or at least I did. Denise and Matt took two trucks loads o trash from both houses to the dump in Big Ugly. That is who the bed is for. It ran well for them.
Denise doctored the bottom of my feet again, probably the last place left with pain from the chemo. Most of the scars are healed on the rest of my body. I noticed that the Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma has even took a hit in all but a few places. I'll ask Dr Green in our next visit if I should hit the rest with the Narrow Band UVB machine, but that be a bit much. If it is then I'll just ignore it. Since I have my own machine to give myself treatments it's no big deal. even the patches left of it aren't painful right now.
Today, except for the tooth has been a great day compared to the last few weeks. Now if just could ever get warm again. I'm about ready for bed.
Cody. I didn't know how to respond back to your message on Facebook. I'm still learning a lot on it, so I will place it here. I'm not smart or I would not have stayed on the road I was on, but thank you for the compliment. Your mom loves you and cares about you and your brother. You can quit. There is nothing about quitting that is easy and if you fail, try again. I have tried many times and if I fall again, I will get right back up again and try. You are young and strong minded and strong willed. Strength is not measured by life's fall or failures but rather by getting back up and trying again. Falling does not define a man, a man is defined by what he does after he falls. If you even need to talk just call me or email me. I looked for a certain video I found last night but couldn't find it for you. This one is second to that one. One of the most powerful words ever created is BELIEVE. Believe in yourself and believe in God.
12-26
It's 2:34am. I watched a couple of movies... lost track of the time watching Avatar. I ate a little more each time and attempted to strengthen the tooth, but I failed to. The Morphine doesn't do a thing for it but Ibuprofen seemed to help. I tried to coat the sides that are exposed with temporary dental fill, even tried Gorilla glue, neither worked. If it will just hold out until a dentist can be found I can get a root canal. They say that pulling a tooth during radiation is a lengthy process so it can be extracted after the radiation is finished, just can't fight or need the infection with my blood count this low. The pain is all I remember it to be. A different pain than all of this, but pain all the same. I weighed and got back to 197.5 lbs. Now if I can eat like this today and gain again I will be happy. I'm crossing my fingers that Green will know of somebody Monday or that we can find somebody. Most dentist offices are closed until Jan 4th.
Yesterday was one of the few times Denise has ever seen me cry. Over 20 years of marriage she could probably count them on one hand and still have fingers left. I have no doubts where I will go when I die, but somehow it saddened me because I know how close I am to winning, yet how close I am to losing this battle as well. I think all the pressure just built up. I have no idea where that came from or for that matter why I would even admit that I did it on this blog. I have fought hard battles before but none like this, and none with this much that just keeps coming against me. It is like seeing the finish line on the horizon but your body giving out before you get there.
My limbs and trunk have all scabbed over and many of the scabs are even healed from the chemo backfire. My throat jumped again today in healing and Monday looks better than before.
5AM
My tooth has hurt now for days and I even skipped and skimped eating trying to keep it from breaking off, at least until a dentist could be located. I still haven't slept. I got tired of hurting and worrying about it so I pulled and twisted it until it popped off. The pain isn't as of yet any stronger and maybe just a bit less. I'm still not sure if this tooth had a root canal done to it yet but if it hasn't, the nerve is covered from the air. It could have just been just putting pressure on my gum. Guess we'll see in the next few hours or days.
Yesterday was one of the few times Denise has ever seen me cry. Over 20 years of marriage she could probably count them on one hand and still have fingers left. I have no doubts where I will go when I die, but somehow it saddened me because I know how close I am to winning, yet how close I am to losing this battle as well. I think all the pressure just built up. I have no idea where that came from or for that matter why I would even admit that I did it on this blog. I have fought hard battles before but none like this, and none with this much that just keeps coming against me. It is like seeing the finish line on the horizon but your body giving out before you get there.
My limbs and trunk have all scabbed over and many of the scabs are even healed from the chemo backfire. My throat jumped again today in healing and Monday looks better than before.
5AM
My tooth has hurt now for days and I even skipped and skimped eating trying to keep it from breaking off, at least until a dentist could be located. I still haven't slept. I got tired of hurting and worrying about it so I pulled and twisted it until it popped off. The pain isn't as of yet any stronger and maybe just a bit less. I'm still not sure if this tooth had a root canal done to it yet but if it hasn't, the nerve is covered from the air. It could have just been just putting pressure on my gum. Guess we'll see in the next few hours or days.
Friday, December 25, 2009
12-25 Christmas Day
I slept on and off until 1pm. A very rough night last night. I ran a fever on and off all night long and mouth breathed (Denise woke me up on occasion several times). I weighed in at 194 this morning. Surely I didn't sweat 3 1/2 pounds off over night! That is 1 pound under the limit. Denise gave me some slices of ham and Ritz crackers to eat and I am washing it down with Ensure. God, what I would give to have refused that last Chemo. Things have went to pieces after that. I am so tired of fighting. It seems pointless to continue. This ham... these crackers.. nothing tastes good anymore. 2 Deviled eggs.. nope, still the same.
Later On
It's 5pm and I'm trying to get the will to fight back. Charlie and mom came back, Charlie came first. He gave me a pep talk. Normally I don't respond well to them but somehow his works. He is a good man. It made me realize just how fortunate I have been my whole life. Some people have a mom and dad... I have a few moms and dads... and they are all good people. After they left I had enough spirit built up to grab a mask, get dressed and start so that I could eat and be with everybody. I made it to the creek and though I wanted to keep going my body was just too weak so I came back to the house. I was so tired that I drifted off in a nap. Denise called UT since a dentist office is located there, but they are closed to the 4th of January too. Down I went again until Mat & Misty and the grand-kids came to open their presents. That again lifted my moods and I ate several bites of turkey & dressing. Amazing what just having the people you love can do just being there. They got me 10th Avenue North's new CD. Me and Misty cam back here to my bedroom and watched some of the music videos I listen to sometimes. Some of those are found on this blog. I think I will listen some more. I may record some more on this day later. Right now though, I'll listen to some more. The main thing in this is to keeping fighting... and that is hard to do.
Later On
It's 5pm and I'm trying to get the will to fight back. Charlie and mom came back, Charlie came first. He gave me a pep talk. Normally I don't respond well to them but somehow his works. He is a good man. It made me realize just how fortunate I have been my whole life. Some people have a mom and dad... I have a few moms and dads... and they are all good people. After they left I had enough spirit built up to grab a mask, get dressed and start so that I could eat and be with everybody. I made it to the creek and though I wanted to keep going my body was just too weak so I came back to the house. I was so tired that I drifted off in a nap. Denise called UT since a dentist office is located there, but they are closed to the 4th of January too. Down I went again until Mat & Misty and the grand-kids came to open their presents. That again lifted my moods and I ate several bites of turkey & dressing. Amazing what just having the people you love can do just being there. They got me 10th Avenue North's new CD. Me and Misty cam back here to my bedroom and watched some of the music videos I listen to sometimes. Some of those are found on this blog. I think I will listen some more. I may record some more on this day later. Right now though, I'll listen to some more. The main thing in this is to keeping fighting... and that is hard to do.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
12-25 - 130 am Christmas
I started another fever again, but so far it has been low grade. I was here by myself and called my step dad that I may need him and told him what was going on. As always, he was there and willing to go then if I wanted to but I wanted to wait until the magic 101.5. I don't want to go if it is not 100% necessary. Denise got back home and I stayed up and ate some pudding and waited it out. It went back to normal but the sweating and shaking continued.
Denise awoke me at about 1:05am. She could hear me "mouth breathing" from the Living Room. My throat felt like it was closing completely off and my tongue was sticking to it, almost like I was swallowing it. We checked the temperature, normal. With enough water it began to go back... that and coughing. Then I started doing something I usually only have happen in the day, shaking like I was freezing and my hands became numb. If I get under the cover during this I sweat. I've only had these episodes since the 4th Chemo treatment. This usually lasts about 20 minutes to an hour. The fever is usual but the little episodes aren't... just not this time of day (or night). During the day I lay still and they eventually go away.
I'm glad Denise heard and woke me up though... this weird throat closing part hasn't happened since I was in the hospital. We try to deduce what is what, no conclusions so far but she thinks it is one of the many possible side effects of one of the chemo drugs that she read somewhere. maybe they may have even mentioned it in the hospital. I debated on placing this up but w both agreed that if I am going to record this stuff, it should be one of the things that someone else might have an answer for or someone going through this should know. I don't freak out as bad if I see someone else had something I'm experiencing.
Denise awoke me at about 1:05am. She could hear me "mouth breathing" from the Living Room. My throat felt like it was closing completely off and my tongue was sticking to it, almost like I was swallowing it. We checked the temperature, normal. With enough water it began to go back... that and coughing. Then I started doing something I usually only have happen in the day, shaking like I was freezing and my hands became numb. If I get under the cover during this I sweat. I've only had these episodes since the 4th Chemo treatment. This usually lasts about 20 minutes to an hour. The fever is usual but the little episodes aren't... just not this time of day (or night). During the day I lay still and they eventually go away.
I'm glad Denise heard and woke me up though... this weird throat closing part hasn't happened since I was in the hospital. We try to deduce what is what, no conclusions so far but she thinks it is one of the many possible side effects of one of the chemo drugs that she read somewhere. maybe they may have even mentioned it in the hospital. I debated on placing this up but w both agreed that if I am going to record this stuff, it should be one of the things that someone else might have an answer for or someone going through this should know. I don't freak out as bad if I see someone else had something I'm experiencing.
12-24 Thursday Christmas Eve
I woke up as usual this morning early, about 7am. Done my usual one cough of puss and blood and felt pretty decent. Now that I put a new filter in the cool mist humidifier and the warm mist humidifier ran all night, not nearly as painful or dry in the throat area. I brushed my teeth. I do that several times a day and even with that it has taken it's toll on my gums, even my bridges are beginning to loosen. The tooth I broke yesterday is still hanging on and I am pretty sure it is alive because there is some pain coming from it. Now I find it funny that I am afraid of the pain after going through this so far, but God help me I am. I guess I'm just so tired of hurting. I've got the preps.
Me and Denise finished our Christmas shopping today. Not exactly in the conventional way, but we got it done right up until the last present, her cell phone went dead. It still turned out good. She knew what she wanted to get her family and I shopped online at local stores telling her what I was looking at. I'm still neutropenic, that is the word I have probably misspelled many times, lol. I'm not sure since I left the hospital how mine is right now, but I will assume since I feel better, better. I can write this now since Denise has already got it, but that is the way I got her present. It wasn't the exact watch I was looking at, but it was one of the two. Me and Annie worked like that yesterday as a team to get Denise's and Beulah's, plus the new filter for the humidifier. It, in spite of the slight difference on 1 item worked so well that me and Denise done it that way.
My hat's off to Denise. She has done everything and has done it so great. She is reading this right now and said she didn't see me in that car today, where'd the we come from, lol. Then again... it was my brainstorm to do it like this, lol.
One thing I didn't put yesterday was that I tried some of the Blue Emu oil throughout the day. It lasts longer, burns about the same on the application, yet I don't know if it heals the same. We are low on the radiation creme and I think the only place to get it is at the radiologist's office, so I thought it worth a try. I had read some pretty good comments on a throat radiation board about it and a couple of other things. When my bath is done tonight Denise will clean and dress my throat with the radiation creme. I'm a bit worried still about it being ready by Monday but it seems to be healing fast, just hope it is fast enough.
No Morphine so far today, the pain patch have kept it under control. Before the bath though I'll take a 15 mg and by the time I'm done it should have kicked in. That is less than 1/2 we used at the hospital and while the healing is responsible mostly for the drop, there is still a lot of pain associated with the treatment. I don't like the effects at 15 and definitely don't at a higher dose, I can take the 10-15 minutes of pain better. Plus with higher dose I get those blank moments or crazy thoughts and moments, even afterward not knowing what I said or was saying in the middle of a sentence. I call them brain farts, lol.
I woke up and kept my 197 lbs! No loss last night. Today I have ate 4 sugar cookies, 2 Ensures, and I'm on my 4th Coke. I also ate 1/2 Pimento sandwich and 1/2 a Chicken Salad sandwich. If I can stay awake I'll add to that so maybe I can slowly turn this stuff around. The hardest thing to do is drink the Coke, I hate then taste of soft drinks. I know that can't last though as with 17-18 more treatments left my throat will become too raw again. My preference these days is water and some tea.
Last few day a weird thing that is getting more frequent is taking place. I get those fast, out of nowhere tired spells. I couldn't fight them off for a long time but as chemo went farther away I could, and still can. Now a strange muscle jerk occurs usually in my arms, hands, feet, or neck. The longer I fight the fatigue the worse they get and I kinda like dose off for a second, maybe zone out is a better term. I've decided to lay still and not fight them too much. It isn't painful... just weird. I could have probably gotten more eaten today if I could stay awake. If the fatigue hits with a chill, when I lay down I go back out like a light and unless I do one of those muscle jerks, I'm asleep. One of my cousins came to visit and one of my friends and both times I was out of it. Such a pretty day too, not that I could do anything, it's just nice to look out. I've spoken with both BB and Andy and they understood. Thanks guys.
I'll probably blog tomorrow since I can't be around everybody. It sounds kind of sad in a way because it is one of the few times we get together. Then again... it could have been worse. Maybe next year. All thosen who are reading this. I wish you a Merry Christmas.
Me and Denise finished our Christmas shopping today. Not exactly in the conventional way, but we got it done right up until the last present, her cell phone went dead. It still turned out good. She knew what she wanted to get her family and I shopped online at local stores telling her what I was looking at. I'm still neutropenic, that is the word I have probably misspelled many times, lol. I'm not sure since I left the hospital how mine is right now, but I will assume since I feel better, better. I can write this now since Denise has already got it, but that is the way I got her present. It wasn't the exact watch I was looking at, but it was one of the two. Me and Annie worked like that yesterday as a team to get Denise's and Beulah's, plus the new filter for the humidifier. It, in spite of the slight difference on 1 item worked so well that me and Denise done it that way.
My hat's off to Denise. She has done everything and has done it so great. She is reading this right now and said she didn't see me in that car today, where'd the we come from, lol. Then again... it was my brainstorm to do it like this, lol.
One thing I didn't put yesterday was that I tried some of the Blue Emu oil throughout the day. It lasts longer, burns about the same on the application, yet I don't know if it heals the same. We are low on the radiation creme and I think the only place to get it is at the radiologist's office, so I thought it worth a try. I had read some pretty good comments on a throat radiation board about it and a couple of other things. When my bath is done tonight Denise will clean and dress my throat with the radiation creme. I'm a bit worried still about it being ready by Monday but it seems to be healing fast, just hope it is fast enough.
No Morphine so far today, the pain patch have kept it under control. Before the bath though I'll take a 15 mg and by the time I'm done it should have kicked in. That is less than 1/2 we used at the hospital and while the healing is responsible mostly for the drop, there is still a lot of pain associated with the treatment. I don't like the effects at 15 and definitely don't at a higher dose, I can take the 10-15 minutes of pain better. Plus with higher dose I get those blank moments or crazy thoughts and moments, even afterward not knowing what I said or was saying in the middle of a sentence. I call them brain farts, lol.
I woke up and kept my 197 lbs! No loss last night. Today I have ate 4 sugar cookies, 2 Ensures, and I'm on my 4th Coke. I also ate 1/2 Pimento sandwich and 1/2 a Chicken Salad sandwich. If I can stay awake I'll add to that so maybe I can slowly turn this stuff around. The hardest thing to do is drink the Coke, I hate then taste of soft drinks. I know that can't last though as with 17-18 more treatments left my throat will become too raw again. My preference these days is water and some tea.
Last few day a weird thing that is getting more frequent is taking place. I get those fast, out of nowhere tired spells. I couldn't fight them off for a long time but as chemo went farther away I could, and still can. Now a strange muscle jerk occurs usually in my arms, hands, feet, or neck. The longer I fight the fatigue the worse they get and I kinda like dose off for a second, maybe zone out is a better term. I've decided to lay still and not fight them too much. It isn't painful... just weird. I could have probably gotten more eaten today if I could stay awake. If the fatigue hits with a chill, when I lay down I go back out like a light and unless I do one of those muscle jerks, I'm asleep. One of my cousins came to visit and one of my friends and both times I was out of it. Such a pretty day too, not that I could do anything, it's just nice to look out. I've spoken with both BB and Andy and they understood. Thanks guys.
I'll probably blog tomorrow since I can't be around everybody. It sounds kind of sad in a way because it is one of the few times we get together. Then again... it could have been worse. Maybe next year. All thosen who are reading this. I wish you a Merry Christmas.
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