10-16-2014 Just a note

  For some reason I just feel like writing. This has become my outlet since the book is done. It's not published, Amazon sent a reminder but I'm just not sure. So... what all is new.

  Last Sunday Tina (biological mother) had a heart attack. Tonight she is home. She first insisted on Ft Sanders where she worked and after they left her BP was almost gone, one of the guys in the vehicle told her she would not make the trip to Knoxville. She had never liked Dr Rama or Morristown Hamblen but that is where she ended up. She now has a lot of respect for Rama and the crew that handles cardiac at the hospital, plus the Ambulance crew. I'm not sure if she has experienced Rama's bedside manner, or lack thereof, but she now sees that he knows his stuff. Most doctors that skilled go to large cities, but he remains here. She is impressed.  Now she knows why I have always went to him, except I usually go when Deb is filling in, lol. He busted his butt that night working on me and I very much remember that. When we visited her she also saw the respect that Denise gets when she walks through. I would put her up against the best of nurses just as I would Rama against the best Cardiac doctors, but I may be a little prejudice.

  Our little inside dog has developed cancer. I do believe it is the food just as much as the chemicals. Roxie is 8 years old now. She has slowed down quite a lot. It always worries me when I get cut that if a dog licks the cut it will get the NHL in their system, but hers isn't NHL. 

  The Will is almost done now, I signed more papers today. I done as mom wished and the Lawyer didn't argue with the cars. Instead of the cars being titled to me I gave Misty mom's Mountaineer as she requested and Megan the Mustang. I kept the Cadillac, the least material worth of the three with the most memorable worth of the three. That one she said I could do with as I wanted. I remember dad loving that car. When he would drive it he was so short all you could see was knuckles, lol, and his smile. This was a man who had a 50 Ford F1 truck until he traded it for a 70 Ford F100, until 1990 when he sold that truck to me and bought the F150. I eventually bought his 90 and he bought the GMC. He would have 2 more trucks in his life, a GMC 4x4 and his 01 Ranger. I have 3 of them still. The Ranger he loved. I remember the 90 F150 overheating in the field while pulling a wagon of hay up. He wanted me to hook his Ranger to it. I didn't, there were eight 1,000lb rolls on a 20 foot trailer, way too much for it to pull.

  Signing those papers today was kind of sad. All the deeds are being done now, all mom's labors are now mine, which are bitter sweet. I thought back all day about the eight people that raised me, and my biological parents who were there if I needed them. All of them are gone, save one. All were pretty much workaholics, all pretty much poor except mom and dad in the later years, plus the one remaining one. Dad never got caught up in the snares of the material world but mom did, as did I until my heart attack. In the end mom came back to her roots though. We had several good talks and though I am not smart, I did learn a few things from that event. I've several friends now that have had an NDE and we all share one thing in common, a question for why we had to come back. I talked with dad the day he died and I think it helped him not to be scared. I talked with mom and answered her questions the best I could about what happens after we die, and how God is. Each time I would tell her not yet, you have to fight, but I could see the fight leaving her.

 Some who have followed my blog have read my faith, but I am not religious, yet I am. I looked at different religions for a time, and before the heart attack none. I hated to read yet these days for the last several years I read a lot, yet I have never read the whole Bible. I think it would take one a lifetime to actually read it and know what it is about. Even then, words fail to explain the glory of God. We all worry about going to Heaven yet I think Heaven is wherever God is, and if it's not, that is more than I could ever ask for, just to be near. Denise was present for mom's last breath and I missed being there by a couple of minutes, yet I believe mom was ready. I wasn't ready, Denise wasn't ready, but mom was and so was God- that is all that really counts.

  I showed the Office today to a couple that wants to put a Recording Studio in it. I looked around and saw what we haven't moved yet, and thought for a moment what mom had accomplished. Having said that though, this was not reflective of mom's worth. So what is the worth of a person? I believe the worth of a person is not what one owns, bank account, possessions... it is what one does. If we measure the worth of a person by their actions we find the true worth, and by this measurement we are all of worth. In God's eyes we are priceless. Truth, love, compassion, forgiveness, kindness... these are the marks of worth. Those are the things we take with us when we leave this world, not the things we can touch or hold. We come in naked, empty handed, and helpless and we go out the same way. Mom asked about us in the eyes of God one time and I could only explain as this. "When I was young I would sneak out and drink and smoke pot, had hair to my belt and a long unkept beard. I cussed a lot and cared for little. Sometimes my choices were disappointing to you and down right disrespectful. Yet you still loved me." Mom said "Of course I did. You weren't that bad". "I wasn't that good either, but you still loved me and wanted me. The things I did right you still were proud of me, and when I said I'm sorry you still forgave me. I could call you day of night and you still would help me. I am the same with my kids. Even if they hated me I still loved them. Me and you... we ain't perfect. So just think for a moment, if we, being imperfect can love, forgive, be proud of, there for our kids... then how much more can a perfect God be to His kids. You loved me even when I hated myself. He loves us even when we hate ourselves."

   Thinking back on the conversation it reminded me that our worth is priceless. Maybe that is why Jesus said an unpardonable sin is calling your brother "Raca", which in English means useless. He sees nobody as worthless or useless. I miss mom but I rejoice for her.   

10-01-2014

  I had my Stress Test done today, first time ever for a chemical one. I don't think I could do the treadmill with the neuropathy, so I went this way. A friend of mine had me a bit concerned, said when he had his done he thought he was having a heart attack. He needed someone to take him and pick up his truck he has at a shop being fixed, so I took him afterward. I told him that was not bad at all, and it wasn't. Some shortness of breath, some pressure, but the key words are some.... a far cry from a heart attack. Unofficially it turned out ok, but I go Friday for the follow-up visit after the doctor sees it. Denise said maybe a heart cath, so I am prepared. They do those though the arm these days and that beats the groin and being naked hands down.

  My friend Sally gave us some bad news the other night. Dr Rathfoot's wife died suddenly at 50 years old. We never met her but he is probably hands down the best doctor I've ever met, and one of the nicest people too. They have two kids. Not a night has went by that I haven't prayed for him and his family. I stand at a loss for words, I know, unusual for me. How does one say their heart break fir those left behind, yet rejoices for the one gone home. For his wife Tammy, her trials are over and now she is perfect. In a perfect place, with a perfect God. Yet for those who have not seen and experienced that, they are just words. Sometimes that can come across wrong as I cannot find words to do justice to where she is. Even then, it still hurts. Knowing there are no good-byes, it still hurts. I think it is suppose to be like that, bitter/sweet. I am reminded of an old Cherokee Proverb: "When you were born you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die you rejoice and the world cries." It would appear that is the case here.

 I have heard that two more friends I have have cancer, different in where they are and type. I pray for them too. Win or lose the battle one suddenly finds themselves in the reality of this world is temporary at best, a side track at worst. They will see that most of the stuff we think important isn't, and what we never thought much about is. Success will no longer be measured by things and possessions, nor bank accounts and dress- but by the very act of what a man (or woman) does, is, says, and feels. Success will be measured by love, truth, and peace; and with these comes kindness, compassion, and caring. The things of God and what He offers us. Things we need to be still for and know that God is God. Things that seem a curse that becomes a blessing. There is far more to saving someone than physical and knowing that one can be saved and yet physically die. If they live through it, and I pray they do, all they know will have changed.

  Then comes the hard part, remembering the lesson each and every day. Then another hard part will be speaking to others. Some will be pleased while many will not understand, even think you have lost your mind. That added to a near death experience leaves one looking and sounding odd to many. The more the world drifts from the truth, the stranger the truth will appear. The stranger the world will appear. I saw a lady today who stressed over tedious things, so much so nobody wanted to be around her. To her she makes sense, to the rest she makes mountains from mole hills, yet one dares not say that. People that seek self gratification are never happy. It is the carrot before the mule thing. I know that from experience. I was searching for the wrong things for the wrong reasons, though they seemed right at the time. Those days have ended now and so when I get told they can;t fix this or that, I'm good with it. This world is not what life is about.  Live your life so that you win either way.

09-26-2014

  Since the throat surgery it has done better, then again I haven't went out in the heat like I usually do, then again I haven't done a lot of things like I usually do.

  We got a letter in from Dr Bushkell at UT who talked with Dr Zic at Vanderbilt and updated us on what went on. As long as my Non Hodgkins isn't causing tumors, painful plaques, or hits an organ, we continue with the meds he has done. I'm good with what we're doing and what we're not. I know that eventually things will change but until they do we will not cross that bridge. It is one of those inevitable things where you know what is coming, see it coming, but are powerless to stop it, and I'm good with that. A lot of things may beat it here, including old age.

  I broke down and finally got Denise to get me an appointment with Deb to have my heart checked. I usually try and avoid doing that but perhaps I should have done that a long time ago. For that matter probably should have done my check-ups, lol. I've started carrying my nitro with me, something I usually don't do. Denise worked me up and honestly I probably haven't been completely honest with her on all my symptoms, but today I got close. So I went for what seemed to be a check-up that begot more tests.

  My BP was just a tad off, nothing to be concerned with. They done an EKG, which I have no idea how that went. Deb checked me then said I needed a heart cath. I talked her down to a stress test, and all looked good except she wanted a thing done, like the do pregnant women, of my heart. My injection/fraction or whatever thats called was good. I had resolved myself to it being the extra weight I've put on, then it kind of went ploop. Some be name thing so I asked Denise to clarify it. It seems my heart is missing beats every now and then or something with the beats. So we do a stress test next week and she said that will probably lead to a heart cath. Seems Rama had come in and looked at the results and talked with Deb and they see something that needs looked into a bit more. I'd like to say I'm shocked, but that would be a lie. Lately seems more familiar than I'd like, seems like I had these symptoms in 2004 leading up to my heart attack in 2005.

I think the longest intense pain I ever experienced was the cancer treatments, but the most pain at any given time would go to the heart attack. I actually don't want to experience either of those again. 

08-12-2014

Happy 22nd Birthday

Megan Kimmae`.

07-14-2014

  I had a follow-up with Dr. Rathfoot today, he was back this week and the doctor last week thought he would want to see me. It went really well I thought. I lost 2 lbs in a week, probably gained that back eating at Cheddars. Me, Denise, and Megan all went down but Megan stayed in the waiting area, she don't like watching the scope go in my nose, lol.

  He said I would probably always have swelling on those whatever they're called things and the left side is scared from the Tumor and the Radiation, but no evidence of cancer... thank you God. I'll have to probably have to have those injections and maybe even stretching every 6 months to a year, but they are still working on getting a machine where I won't have to be put to sleep. I'll always have to watch small things like small pills or rice, but also things that are larger, things too liquidity or things too dry. It has to be just right. This is the first time he said I have my whole throat to swallow. Now for the great news, I get to come down to 5mg of Prednisone a day!!! Tonight I started that right away.

  The yeast infections will continue it appears, am at the tail end of one right now. With the lower dose though it looks as if they won't be as frequent. Now I am going to drop some weight and try and get this sugar back in line. I know I will never be what I once was but perhaps I can be a little more than I am now. He said the muscle spasms in my neck were getting older. Strange they start now and I've never know anybody to have them.

  We had fun today. We stopped at McCays Books in Knoxville where Denise found several books she had been wanting for a while. Megan even found her some, or at least one book. It is on the Great Depression and I think I know why she wanted it. Mom had talked with Megan about growing up in the depression and she would always break down in tears. That may have been what drove mom to work as she did, they grew up with practically nothing, what little they had was taken from them when the TVA Dam project took their farm. For quite a few years mom and dad were middle to even upper six figures, yet she died with little. She couldn't enjoy without those around her had, her last doctor's visit even making me stop by the roadside to give her last 10.00 to a man holding a sign saying he and his family were hungry. I wasn't surprised, I'd seen her doing stuff like that all my life. I didn't find any books but then again what I read or use as something to reference is seldom found in a used book store, or even a new one. 

  We ate at Cheddars, well, most of it. We were full so we brought back the fish the batter wasn't cooked on and gave it to the cats. What they did cook all the way was good though. Then we hit Costco up and then went to Sams, we have membership to both but if ever Costco gets the dog food and dog bones we feed in, we will only keep Costco. Then finally back home. We've thunder and lightening all around, but no rain yet. That would make it a perfect in to a good day. 



  

07-08-2014

   This is the first time I have celebrated my birthday without mom, Misty, Annie, Matt, and the grand-kids. It was kind of strange, actually sad in many ways. Of the original crew here only me and Mark remain now, all the others have gone home. So this evening me, Denise, and Megan had the cake. I am thankful and blessed to have them here with me. Tina and Charlie stopped in and brought me a present and cards, but they had to get back home, a storm was coming.

  They told me of Charlie's check-up, it has been 3 years since his throat cancer was treated. This one didn't go so well, they have found a spot that don't look good. They will treat him with antibiotics for 3 weeks then recheck, but they think it may be back. I know he is worried, the eyes cannot hide what the truth is, despite what the voice says.

  But tonight, as I lay down and as I do each night I make my peace with God, thanking Him for the blessing He has given me. I have 3 excellent girls that are now excellent women, except I still see them as my little girls. The have excellent guys or men now to partner with, all except Megan. I have 4 excellent grand-kids, each of them are smart and good kids. They say you reap what you sow, thank God I didn't for I never was as good a kid as they were. I thank God for Denise, who has taught me that there is such a thing as a better half. I certainly didn't deserve her either.

  Most people wonder why I smile and I tell you I smile no matter the pain. I have seen Hell on earth at times, days that never end, yet eventually they did. I lay down many nights and I'm not sure if I will awake. That has become a way of life now, the new normal. But I smile. I smile because if it all ends today, I have been blessed to have lived in the company of great people. I smile because I awake each morning and thank Him for another good day, just as I thank Him for a good day each night. Often during the day I have to take time to say thank you. Though storms may come and linger, do damage sometimes, they do pass. One way or the other they pass, for nothing is forever here on earth, neither good nor bad. Each day though something good can be found in even the worse of days. Sometimes it is hard to find, yet something is there. Meanwhile one need only to look and one will see, that He has surrounded us with the cream of the crop of ones around us. I smile because I am thankful for sharing this world with great people, and have memories of ones great that I have been allowed in the company of.

  

07-01-2014

Happy Birthday Misty   

 

I won't mention 35. Oooppps