December 1st

  Well its 3:42am, and I've slept for about 2 hours and awake with a terrible pain. Not my shoulder, but my mouth, throat, and even my lips.  Both feel like they have dried and cracked open. I remember Panella saying it could be a side effect and this has been throughout the whole process, but normally they come back by now. They being the Saliva Glands. I also remember Green saying they could be saved and maybe they will be, for now however it doesn't look like they have been. My teeth even hurt. The terrible taste has still not stopped this time and the milky looking spit. So I'm up now until the pain meds can take effect. 2 lortab 10s. I do have some Lidocane and just now remembered it, so I do a tablespoon of that. I swish it around and instead of swallowing it I swallow it.

  My shoulder is still hurting badly. It hasn't hurt this bad since the surgery. I asked the radiology ladies if it should be shielded during the radiation since it has an anchor and they said no. Who knows, maybe I injured it in one of the drug induced sleeps I've had to do. Dear God how I'd like to sleep just 8 hours.... even 5 or 6 hours without awaking in intense pain.

  Yesterday I reflected back, something probably best not done right now and thought how odd that I survived a heart attack only to end up with a Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma and now add to that, throat cancer. How in I day at times I have taken more pain meds than all the surgeries combined, all the dental work combined. How Lortab 10 once knocked me out, as did Edocet and now it takes 2-3 just to be able to function. Just now, as I write, the pain is trying to radiate into my right ear. But at least I have the pain meds, I ran out over the weekend... my fault.

  Slowly they are taking effect and who knows, maybe I can squeeze in another hour or two before I have to get up and get dressed for radiation treatment # 10. I keep trying to look at it positively but it is hard to sometimes. It makes me wonder why God just didn't let it end that night I had my heart attack.

  I guess I shouldn't be complaining, I can still eat out once again at a restaurant without being embarrassed making gurgling and choking sounds. I can still swallow, a bit difficult, but after I have water of something wet, I can still swallow, usually with minimal pain. More importantly though, I have a great family, friends, and doctors and nurses.

  The Lotabs have eased it off with the Lidocane, but I'm still afraid to go back to sleep, not because of the sleep but rather the waking up in pain again. There was a time I tolerated pain quite well. That time has passed. Already my body says sleep but my mouth is completely dry, only getting wet when I take a sip of water.  I know that will end in the same scenario as led to me being up this late writing.

  The things I know make sure I have are water, a spit bottle, and my pain meds close. Oh yea, and the numbing meds and something to settle my stomach from all this junk.

 I was asked what my expectations were on returning to work today. My answer was that it is like trying to see people on Mars. That for now I just try and figure out how to survive each day. That seems enough task for me right now. I have goals, but most are the result of the outcome and just that one day and the aspirations that tomorrow might be better. Well, I'll numb myself one more time and try and get in about 30 minutes sleep before it starts again.