December 2

  Again Charlie and I ate a good breakfast at Hardees. We have good conversations to and fro. We even happened upon a wreck, luckily nobody was hurt.

  It was a bit odd today, the mask seemed so tight, tighter than usual. I tried to swallow at one point and couldn't due to the tightness. I'm wondering if maybe the head plate was larger this time... something was different. It made it a bit more difficult. The music that usually plays softly in the background was silent. That also makes it a bit harder. Strange. When the treatment was over some extra lapsed before the mask was unloosened. I silently prayed for the strength to wait, and He gave it to me.

  I did notice and marked (as best I could) two times where the left shoulder was hit, yes, I felt the pain of the Anchor in my arm. maybe this is what is called a casualty of war? I fight now for the remaining use I have of my left shoulder. I think this was number 11 or 12 and just as was foretold, they are getting more painful.

  Somewhere, sometime, and somehow- between now and next Thursday I have to figure out how I'm going to be able to not throw up and drown in my own vomit for the first few days after chemo. Personally I would like to take a break until I know I will be ok not to vomit.

  The burns are felt more inside than outside at this stage and the throat seems to narrow a bit, so swallowing is getting harder and harder to do with the soreness. It is so weird, it feels like your face is bubbling at time from the inside out while the radiation is running.  Almost like a muscle quiver.

  So far my saliva glands have regained their ability to produce. I pray this is temporary.

  I bought a 24 ft float today, why I have no logical reason. My little brother helped me get it. On the way back home we decided to sell it and split the profit, so now it is at William's house. I ran by the office, but fatigue wasn't letting up very much and it wasn't long until I ended up back home. I think sometimes like I can do what I once did and then get showed I am wrong, but I try again.   

  For the most part, they are merciful in there, but there are those who aren't. Maybe they've just seen too much, and if that is the case then they should switch careers and allow themselves to heal. The little things were not done today, little things that may seem small, but seem big to another, and when totaled up dwarf  most large things. The love ain't there and with that goes the kindness. No matter what job one does, one should always have those things working for them for it is only by the Grace of God that it isn't you laying there. Years ago one of my daughters had a problem with keeping friends. she could make friends easily, just not keep them. We fixed her problem (or rather she did) when she was asked one simple question. "Would you want you for a friend?"  She started to answer me but I stopped her, "I'm not the one that should be asking nor am I the one deserving an answer. That is a question you should ask yourself and answer to yourself." She did and she has had good friends ever since. There is one in particular one there that needs to ask herself that. I have a feeling that should she lie to herself, maybe one day God will show her what it is like to have someone like her attend her needs as she is at their mercy.