Saturday, February 20, 2010


  A beautiful day today. Me and Denise went and ran and go a lot done. We retrieved my last real estate sign that I know of that was still up. It was on top of a mountain in Gatlinburg and there were still spots that had snow there. We put a sign up in Knoxville for mom and went to Morristown and got some stuff for mark to work on Spot. I started the day tired, now I'm exhausted, lol.

  I still have intense pain in the ball and heel of my feet yet the rest of my feet are numb... strange. I still have the electrical charges that shoot for toe to head whenever I step hard. Their not painful but more aggravating than anything. It kinda scares you because it feels like a low voltage shock. The numbness has left my left side of my face and head finally, but tonight it is back.

  Then there are these attacks, for lack of a better word. I'm not sure how to explain them and tonight I had an intense one. It is like something is building inside you, a stress level that effects you and even your thinking. Like an explosion building. My hands even tremble as well as my body. It seems that if activity like a TV show with stupid people is on and sometimes when I talk to the point I hurt, this time. I really need to make a log of them so I will know how to stop them. My paientence is at an end, I become nervous, anxious, and a whole host of feelings emerge at once and it feels like I am going to explode. That is the nest I can describe it. There are probably better ways and better choices of words and probably more, but that is the best I can do to explain it. I usually take an Atavan and eventually it stops, tonight I took a second one before it stopped. Maybe it would stop on it's own, I don't know. If it would it would be better than taking a pill, I'm sure it has side effects.

  So far I have escaped Denise's cold so my immunity must be getting better. She is almost over it now. The breaking out is still occurring. It stops for a while then comes back. This is the first day since we dropped the patch to 50mg that I was able to eat and the breakthrough pain wasn't bad enough to take anything. That is a good sign. Next week I go to 25 mg and in about 2 weeks I go to none. Thank God. I would much rather go back to pills because I only take them if I need them whereas this patch gives me a constant supply of pain medication. I'm sure it was needed at the time but I would like to control when and if I need anything.

  I've lost back down to 192.5 pounds. The appetite just isn't there. Then again, eating meant pain until today. It was somewhat painful but nothing like it has been. Soft drinks burn but I can drink them, Pepsi, Coke, Mountain Dew and probably Dr Pepper, I just don't like the Dr Pepper anymore. I just have chosen not to drink them. I prefer water, tea, SoBe (certain flavors) and vitamin water (certain flavors). Who would have even thought that, lol.

  My hair is still coming in quick but it can't get here quick enough for me. I have a beard of sorts. You can see where the lines are that the hair follicles are burnt out, no hair grows there. It actually came up much farther than I thought and that is probably why the two teeth went on the bottom, I'm guessing the dentist was talking about three above those that I will lose.

  We went to Walmart and again, I have maybe 20-30 minutes at best before my mouth and throat becomes dry. The drier it gets the worse the pain and it begin to crack open. There have even been times where it bleeds. This I know is a side effect of chemo that usually goes away but that sometimes it never goes away. I am praying that it does go away. I have almost gotten to the point of carrying water into a store with me. It takes quite a while to get it back moist enough to ease the pain. Usually I wake up at least twice a night and have to drink a few sips of water. It isn't as bad as it once was like when I woke up and had to present an answer before sipping water and cracked my throat severely. I went back to just one humidifier in my bedroom, the other I put in the Sunroom because the plants need it more than I do.

  There is some depression still but I'm working on that. I keep thinking of what I have got going and try and figure out how to get back what I've lost. Most of this is on independence, strength, and memory. I think anything that drags out, like sickness, will bring about a certain level of it. First comes the frustration and then it is followed by depression. Then I suck it up and begin to figure out how I can change that.

  I still each night think about those that I was in Radiation with, especially the lady that was taking mouth and throat radiation. I wonder how they are and pray each night for them. I go back next month to see Dr Green, but they will be done and gone by then. I pray they will be ok. I had the honor of meeting some of the strongest, kindest, most humbled people in the world, yet I never knew their names.   

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