Sunday, March 28, 2010


It is another wet and cold today but for some reason (I'm not complaining) my neuropathy backed off a bit in pain. Then again, I didn't do much today either. I did notice my head swimming when I went to Sears and by the time I went to Walmart, I needed a buggy to help maintain my balance. Buggies are big walkers. This was however a different balance thing, like spinning, even when sitting down. Even with a lot of gray hair I still love it yes Denise, even the beard.

After a brief stop by moms and talking a bit on the phone with Misty, Denise and I were sitting in the living room watching something on the History Chanel and I just hit another wall of cold and exhausted. I had these bouts all day periodically and I went into the bedroom and said I'd be back... I didn't. I slept from a little after five until about ten-thirty. It's after one am and I am about to go back to sleep again. Today I've had a lot of fatigue and depression. I have always had the ability to work to get things off my mind and this time I face it without that ability. Dad is truly missed yet I know he is in a better place.

The Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma is raging and is all over my body now. Funny, it appears they have killed one cancer and fed the other. I will still wait until I meet with Green next month to see if I can resume the NBUVB, it may have progressed past that now though. I have decided if it has, I will let it take it's course. That is not depression nor giving up rather just exhaustion speaking along with knowing what I can and cannot do, and what I am willing and not willing to do. There are a few things to get done that I have found in order to get my affairs in order.

My weight and hair have both increased. I welcome the hair, lol...not the weight. I have put myself on a diet until I can actually do physical work...a lot of it too. The only place I have a tan is my neck, which is still very reddish in color and still feels hot inside. My voice weakens quickly even with water or liquid to keep it moist. I go from a Sling Blade voice to no voice rather quickly and you know me, I like to talk.

I write what seems at time trivial to some and unrelated yet for those who go through this it will hopefully let them know, along with their family and friends, what the mental and emotional aspects that can be. That doesn't mean they will be. In part, this is like a diary now and I have opened up to say things you would not get from me when we talk. This is a game of hurry up and wait now, but isn't all life like that? In the meantime I want to open up just to let those who read and stumble across this that whatever they feel, its ok to feel it for we have all felt that before. There is religious preference in this to know what I know, you are not alone even in your darkest hour unless you want to be.

I would like to see more feedback on this blog, let me know what is and isn't, questions one might have. Things one might like more or less of. Things you wish to know.

Good Night and God Bless...........

1 comment:

kim said...

I'm sorry to hear you are not feeling well and that your spirits are down. You have fought so hard, I don't know anyone that has given it this much effort. This blog has helped me more than you will ever know to see inside of a person who suffers with cancer; the fears, the pain, the loss of lifestyle; but still having the hope and joy of each day that God has given you. Nothing will surprise me about you, tomorrow I expect to come on here and read about you working on a truck or something. Maybe the sunshine will help you, coming tomorrow they're in my prayers. Tell Denise hello.