05-22-2012 Thoughts

Day 2 (maybe 3) of Fluanolo, or something like that, to get the chalky yeast stuff out of my throat. Swallowing, breathing, and resting finally, but it took hitting a wall before I finally caved in. If it rains tomorrow I'll stay down for another day and hopefully will be back up and running... well moving, pretty much the same thing. I kinda look forward to the surgeries to come if they get me off the Prednisone. That might maybe make me able to see my feet. :)

  We watched movies and I haven't been on the web a lot. Some pretty decent movies too. Michael is done with his part of the house, they done an excellent job. I'll save up and get them to do the back and other side next. I got the porch fans wired and hung and rehung the swing. I told Denise I felt like we had money walking out on the porch. :) The garden is growing extremely fast, which is excellent. Megan weeded the Pepper plants and done a great job, look good. She likes my little garden cart so I'll get her one of her own.

  I see Charlie most days from a distance, he looks bad. I don't understand but I keep my distance. Some grow and some don't, I'm not sure how that works but I know you can't be bitter and get better. I wonder sometimes when we pass if he knows that both Denise and I pray for him every night, we add Tina and William as well. I haven't heard from Don or Barb yet. I remember them in my prayer and as positive as they are they might just be ok.

  I have my mask hanging on the wall above my desk. That thing is probably so full or radiation it wreaks. That thing scares most people but for me it is a reminded of the Hell I went through and also that there is hope when it seems there is none. I see the last of me in that mask, perhaps the part I needed to shed. Megan makes beads somethings and she has made me bead crosses that hang from it and an Origami flower that sets atop it. The certificate hangs on the wall. Most times when I look at it I don't see the sickness but the people I met, the medical personal and the funny times we had. I sometimes wonder how they are, especially the one lady who had tonsil or tongue cancer. Never did I ever imagine I'd see that much hope in a hopeless body. That much bravery in that much adversity. That much love and faith in the life of pain.

  Nothing special today, except everyday is special now. I just felt like writing. Those who haven't seen their life hang by a thread probably can't relate, save for a few. Those who do, know what I say and can relate. It's been three years now and the lesson is still there, fresh and it was yesterday. It is only when we are forced to fight with every breathe, every minute, every second for days on end that we realize that life is a gift. I am not afraid to die, but I am afraid of cancer. I'm not afraid to live, but that meaning has changed quite substantially, life and living.  I will say, and maybe I've said it before--cancer has no hold, it is an event. Not a curse, not a blessing by it's purest form. It is only a disease. We have the choice to make it a blessing or a curse, and that goes with anything.        

5-17-2012

And this is the way my day went, you can see it in the pictures. Look at Denise's face, in her eyes. My worst days are when my pain is reflected in her and it brings her down. My best days are when she smiles like this. You can't have a bad day when a great person is having a good day, isn't she beautiful. I wish I could make her smile and laugh every day. And the world was at peace in my little corner and all was well. No long faces here today and everybody smiles, even those who called on the phone. I thank God for these days and allowing me to be in great company, great family.

  Denise' your still the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on. A pretty woman can turn a man's eyes, but a beautiful woman turns his head, then his heart. I love you. Happy Birthday. Man I'm blessed.

Happy Birthday Denise

  Everything is going great so I haven't posted in a while, but today I have to say:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DENISE

 Now I'd never tell your age and you sure don't show it. We got married when you were 20, right before your 21st birthday, and that was 23 years ago. I know you'll read this. :)   I love you

05-12-2012

This will probably look like tomorrow's date by the time I get done typing it, so I'll go ahead and say Happy Mother's Day to my mom, Denise, and all the mothers and moms out there.

  The coolest thing happened Friday. Our Mail Carrier got a package that was addressed to me and she thought I might not be home and was delivering to the Office so she left it with mom to give me. Mom calls me to tell me the package is up there and I can't figure out what I've ordered, kinda scared me, thought I'd bought more tools to hide or car parts, lol. So I get it and it comes from my friend Kevin Judge in Rockapulco, New York. I opened it up and two beautiful T Shirts and two beautiful Hoodies with FDNY Engine 268 Ladder 137 were enclosed. Thanks Kevin for them and for the friendship, we will wear them with honor, they are beautiful. I haven't heard from you in a while. I'm not sure if you have my new email or not, if not it's hilly7@charter.net We switched ISPs a while back, fast web now.

  So far things have been good and me and Megan have got the rest of the garden out, so much for the easy part, lol. Got something I've apparently not agreed with and I upper the 5 to 10 mg of Prednisone until breathing was not labored as bad. I've done that twice now and have it down to two garden areas from three, now to figure out what it is and get rid of it. I think our biggest crop again this year will be rock, lol. I've gotten back a lot of what was effected from the TIA or whatever they call it thing, it just takes time.

  I spoke with Don and Barb the other day and Barb sounded bad but was in great spirits. She said she had lost her hair. I told he thats ok, bald headed women are beautiful and I heard Don say "Damn straight." :) If you read this Don that was me that left the Biotene bottles hanging on your door a week or two ago. It will help Barb with the dry mouth.  Tastes bad but feels good. If you read this Don or Barb and you need anything, just ask.

Our Early Gardens:

04-30-2012 Rathfoot Follow-up

  We went for the follow-up with Dr Rathfoot today and it went great. He scoped me and saw some aggravation in the opposite side of the throat, but it is usual he said this time of year with all the pollen. The O2 seems to be making a difference and he saw progress it the throat from the last time and was pleased that we're finally healing up more. He said maybe a couple of stretches and injections while they're there would be in the picture for later. For now though the next three months I'm free unless something goes wrong and that's not going to happen. So from now until July it's clear sailing. He was excited and we were too. I thanked him and he took no credit that I should thank God. We found out we both have Great Pyrenees dogs. I didn't mention the TI or PI or whatever Denise calls it, why ruin the moment. Plus I think that would add another doctor, more tests, and maybe more meds I'd forget to take. I do thank God every night. I thank Him for the great doctors, nurses, family, and friends. Though adjustments have had to be made, I thank Him for the gardens and the ability to have them. I'm not afraid to die and not afraid to live either, ain't seen nothing that I can't do, when I depend on Him to help me through.  Hey that rhymes. Poet and don't know it, feet do though, their Longfellow(s).

  Denise went back to work and I celebrated with grabbing Megan and taking off the trash. Followed that with bush hogging the hill until I sheared the pin. I think I massaged the weeds for a while before I noticed that, lol. Installed the gate to go into the grapevine area where the tomato plants are. This wasn't a good day, it was a great day.  I bet I sleep good tonight.

  I gotta have some music to celebrate.

 

04-25-2012

Day 3 and I think I'm adjusting pretty decent. I'm back to 2 finger typing again, just different fingers. I took mom to Knoxville for her check up and we stopped at Easy In to cash a check, discovered that keeping control on my finger on the keys isn't the only thing, writing is even harder. It was embarrassing but we had a good laugh. It took a while to write and even then it's hard to read, not that I wrote pretty to start with. Holding a fork took some creative ways, but I done it. I've been practicing writing too as well as typing.

  Denise thinks I may have had a light stroke, honestly I think that is a good possibility. I see Dr Rathfoot next week for a check-up and I really don't want to see a doctor for this. Surely it's done. No numbness in my forehead, just a regular headache, lips aren't numb anymore, and the right hand, arm, and leg slowly working a bit better and what they lack I've figured out ways around the lacking, and the swelling is going down. Just a mild headache in my right eye tonight, probably sinuses. I'll chill for the night like I did yesterday and tomorrow if it's dry enough I'll till the garden. Good chance it could be the discs in my neck got a bit whacked when I strained that day, they've just now started to pop.

  I met an interesting lady at the doctor's office, a drug rep I talked with while waiting. She had breast cancer and also went to UT for treatment. We were at Ft Sanders at the time, lol. She had a mastectomy and is fully in remission. Her husband is a principle at a local school and she was a teacher who decided to be a drug rep. They have a 5 year old daughter. I think how funny that out of that big waiting room she would set the row in front of me, everybody else was on the other side of the room. It seems that everywhere I go I run into people that either have, had, or were effected by someone close who has cancer. One would think that with 95% of then scientist working on ways to make war and 5% on everything else that we would demand it be the other way around.      

-4-23-2012

 No word still so perhaps no news is good news. No copy sent to Rama either so it may just not be read yet. 

   Done a 1st today, hopefully tomorrow it will straighten out itself. I dug mom's drain line and got a bit hot. I got and still have a massive headache in the right side but Excedrin Migraine seems to work to ease it. It hasn't done much for the dizziness or the swelling in the right hand, slurred speech has left but the control of the right arm and hand hasn't returned yet. Got strength in it but no coordination yet, so I've went from 2 finger typing to 1, lol. Denise thinks it might be a nerve pinched. Cool temps with high humidity plus awkward strain could have got the 2 discs in my neck upset, but usually I can pop them and be fine, never had swelling and leg pain with it that I remember. Maybe tomorrow will be better and it'll reset.