16, November

  Beautiful day. We traveled down to UT to see the Radiologist. We were suppose to have a consolation, or so we thought with Dr Green and a Dietitian, but it turned out to be they needed more scans with my mask on. It was to last 45 minutes.

  I had already spoken with Green about my claustrophobia and the degree to which I have it as well as other doctors. Medical records also reveal how bad it is and I have even placed it on my chart. What a let down, nobody reads anything anymore. This is twice now that I have had failed tests due to this. The 1st was an MRI scan.

 One of the ladies understood while the other got pretty upset, she said that it would have been nice to know in advance. She became pretty rude. Finally I made the point that I had given everybody the heads up, but she really didn't listen. Like a student that disobeyed orders she said in a threatening way that she was calling Dr Green, which I thought was very appropriate. Dr Green decided that I should have 5 mg of Valium, they brought 10 mg of Valium. This might have worked except by this time I was already excited and my adrenalin was already flowing. 30 minutes later we tried again... unsuccessfully. So they bring me another 5 mg which also had no effect. I was getting a bit stoned and sleepy, but not enough to do that. Finally they decided to call it quits.

  I got the speech on how this MUST BE Done, which I had no doubt it didn't need to be done. I wanted for it to be done, but phobias are a weird thing. I couldn't argue with anything they said except...THEY KNEW I WAS CLAUSTROPHOBIC! I argued back finally, but i shouldn't had to argue back if it had been done right to start with.  as I told them once again, I am not medically qualified but I know me and I know my body.

  I am checking tomorrow with a Radiologist in Morristown and then Wed when I go for Chemo I will speak with Dr Panella about switching doctors. For as good as Panella is, the Radiologist isn't. A good doctor listens to his patient and is a gentle person. A good staff does the same. There were 2 of their staff that are sweet, they have retained some compassion.

  So now my Radiation is postponed. Maybe it's my fault for having a phobia, maybe for their for not listening to a patient. This was blow 2. The 1st was the running the scope down my nose, into my throat, without any numbing medicine.

  I'm no longer comfortable with this guy and my confidence is shaken in him and half his crew. If Panella will work with me, and I pray he does, I will change Radiologists. Panella is a definate keeper as is Rathfoot.               

November 14th

A few good and bad days at the first of the week has led to 3 good days in a row. This has been so nice. The last few days give me hope of being better one day. There are a few things though to get use to. The goods days, you still tire easily. I look around at all the things that I intended to do, need to do, but then if I attempt them and sometimes I do, reality sets in. Fatigue comes easily and the next day you start out wondering what was wrong with your mind for thinking you could do that. I'm not sure if it is that one feels all that good but rather gets a break from feeling that bad.

  Now somewhere at sometime, the body hair began to leave like my head hair did. I'm still not use to being pretty much bald. The body hair doesn't bother me though.  

  Thursday's visit with Dr Rathfoot went exceedingly well. He said that the tumor has shrunk 75%! Then he added that was nothing short of a miracle, and I believe it is. That means no throat surgery! That also means just 2 more mega dose chemo treatments. That also means 6 weeks of radiation. Now Dr Rathfoot is the third time I have been warned about the radiation. Apparently after about 2 weeks the pain will intensify and it will be harder to get through than the chemo. I pray that God will have mercy on me and lessen the pain.

But for now, I enjoy and am so thankful for these good days.  

Mega Dose day 8 and Review

 Well Sunday was pretty much a repeat of Saturday, so much so I just didn't feel like getting on and writing. Nothing would stay put except the 1 area things should stay put, lol. Seems there is no happy medium, things either get all bound up... or they just stop. This time though the dryness in my mouth seems much, much, worse.

  Monday came and I felt a but better so a friend of mine had called me Saturday about buying Fainting Goat Males. He brought his son and we eventually got them in the barn. His son done the most of the work. I grabbed a gate which hit on a block and something popped in my right elbow. That is the elbow that couldn't be fixed without losing my job in about 2002. The doctor said it needed surgery but if he did it, it would make it better, but not 100% and a supervision informed him that I would be terminated, company policy. So he and I decided to let it go. We built it back the best we could and I learned what not to do.

Tuesday morning came and mom & I went to Pigeon Forge to have the water turned on at a Cabin we've got listed that is sold for an inspection. I hate to admit it but it tired me out and I took a nap. Then came the evening and we finally got to catch the calves. I was the first on the hill but Mark wasn't far behind me. Thank God he was too. The cows ambushed the truck and pulled a bag of feed off and stopped right outside the gate. I tried to fight them off, but wasn't doing any good. Mark was able to get them back, and then we got them to go into the coral. Jerry Kirk came and brought a man with him, he knew I couldn't do a lot. Really he, Mark and the other man done most of it, I tried to assist and I think I done ok. I was beat. I noticed we are missing 2 cows or calves, and still are as of this writing. 

  Wednesday came and it wasn't what I had thought, I was sick and weak. One of the first times in my life I did not get out of my PJs. Throat was still ripping and stomach still upset. The ay was a total loss, I slept through most of it. I struggled keeping down a piece if toast and apple butter and later, Old Timers breakfast from Cracker Barrel, which I might have gotten 1/2 ate before getting sick and the pain from the throwing up stopped me. 

That brings us to Friday, 8 days after. Somewhere I lost my handle and smoked. I'm not smoking a lot but since I'm addicted, any is not good. I am going to talk to the doctor about it next visit. He said he has something that will help me. Throughout this week I have been real nervous, maybe that is something? I have to get back to none, zero, not a puff! I've prayed about it. Fussed at myself for it. I will not give up until I quit, and I will quit. I drove myself to Mascot and picked up my check for the calves, deposited it in Morristown where I bank, then went to Whitesburg and placed a sign on a new property, then back to the office. More or less I knew I needed to stop and rest before I went home for safety. Got home and rested some then watered the plants in the Sunroom and later hooked up Annie a new monitor... my old (3 month old) 20" LCD one.

  I eat, and eat, and eat. I really don't want that feeding tube. Wednesday night I was down to 204 lbs, tonight I am back to 207 lbs... still a ways to go from 224 lbs. I'd like to end up about 195-200, maybe 205 when we're done. I also know that I am at best, 1/2 way there with the chemo... I don't even want to think about it if I'm not. More of my hair and mustache that was left is leaving.

  It's now 3:42 am. I woke up with a sever dry mouth and throat dreaming I had been eating corn chips and they were stuck. Not as much pain though, probably because I took 2 Lortab 10s before bedtime. They are losing their efficiency so I guess we'll have to change to whatever is next. Writing this I've downed another pill and 2 16.9 oz waters. I crave juice but my throat will not allow the acid.

  I'm looking at the calendar and wondering if  by Thanksgiving, dose 3 will allow me to eat or at least allow me to function, it comes the 18th. I fear it. With the properties that I have that have contracts on them, I think it will be enough to buy Christmas and pay what I owe to the hospitals and doctors. God has blessed us there.

Tomorrow I go back to Dr Green, the Radiologist for him to make a mask of my face and get the measurements for the treatments to start. I just hope if he runs that tube down my nose into my throat again he will numb me this time.

Till Another time
Anthony           

Mega Dose 2 - Day 3

One of the things I may not have mentioned is the "Cotton Mouth" effect chemo has. This round has been more frequent and sever than the last. We're talking dry to the point of feeling like your mouth is cracking open. Dry to the point it will wake you often. Dr Panella had warned us of this as a side effect. Usually it's not permanent but sometimes it becomes permanent. Still... a small price to pay for another day.

  Anyhow, I woke up again throughout the night, my last post being after 2 am. I finally went back to sleep about 4:30am. My throat felt like it was closing off and I postponed going to sleep as long as I could as I feared not awakening. There is this animal survival instinct that takes over that we fight as long as we can. Now as will be answered in a previous post I don't fear death, I have seen what comes next and it is great. What I do fear is the path to get to death. Religion does not play a part in fearing the pathway to death, anybody with any sense will dread the pain. Ready of not, we fight to breathe just one more breath. I think that is the way God has made us. Add that with a world that teaches us that quantity is better than quality and an ever unbelieving in God world, and we fight.

  I awoke to the pain of Cotton Mouth and the damage suffered from the uncontrolled throwing up 3 days ago. I took 2 - 10 mg Loratabs and I'm feeling a bit stronger despite the pain. I actually believe I can stay up for a while, maybe even walk out in the yard this morning. For now though my bones ache and muscles crap. I'm not being negative or ungrateful I'm being honest, so that should someone go through this they might know what to expect. I am lucky to have an honest doctor that cares enough to be brutally honest, some might not.

  A quick trip out the door and it's raining again and 7:16am. The brief walk does however get rid of the muscle crap, to an extent. Moving about though brings back the sick feeling, so the rain may well be a blessing in disguise. I'm normally an active person so I expect this looks like a rat in a cage.

Mega Dose 2 - 2 days after

It's after 2am and I am just now sitting up for any length of time. I've ate 3 peanut butter and crackers, 2 jellos and attempted to eat Chick-Fillet nuggets, keyword there being attempted. OK, actually i ate them, they just didn't stay. My throat feels ripped apart from all the throwing up. If you have throat cancer this is not a desired effect nor is it moving forward in healing. I've kept about 10-20 mg of Lortab at a time and phenegran (probably spelled both wrong), and the pain is still busting through.

  I'm considering shaving my hair the rest of the way off, it looks like something out of a horror movie right now. I got in my new Do-Rags from Sparkling Earth Products and they are great! Inexpensive and attractive. Google them, they are worth the time. I now have 2 Ms Clawson made me, 5 from S.E.P. and 3 from Classic Leathers. I'm in style now, lol. Also have 3 Toboggans.

  I read my Facebook comments tonight and thank God that I have such great friends and family.  About to go back to la-la land.

D day for Mega Dose Chemo 2 - Day 1

  Well, D Day for  the 2nd dose is the 28th. The effects should hit according to the doctor on the 30th. I awoke though this morning 0600, already in cramps, dizzy, and my sight impaired ever more. Already weak. This makes me think it is going to be a long next few days.

   Well, it's past 1pm and this is on and on and on with the hiccups.  All day, whenever I get active I start hiccuping. I

  I've slept on and off all day. I keep thinking if only I could throw up then it occurs to me, when I do it is going to hurt my throat even more. 

Now it's after 11pm. I have throw up everything I have eaten tonight. Newsflash. If you have a mega dose of chemo, no Chicken Fettuccine. believe me, it tastes a lot better going down than up. After all that, I needed t numb my throat and it took 2 -10 mg Loratabs just to easy it off.     

Meeting the Radiologist

  We first met Dr Green (I say we because my wife was with me). He felt around my throat and talked. He spent time talking to us, answering questions and telling us what and how things would be done. He was open and honest, sparing no details about the treatment. He didn't sugar coat it, just came out with it, and I respected him for that.

  He then opened up what looked almost like an attache case which contained a scope like Dr Rathfoot has used to go through my nose and down into my throat. I asked if he was going to numb me first and his reply was that he had done many of these and was very good at it, so he did not see the need for numbing. He said it would be minor discomfort and should there be pain, it would be brief and little. My wife watched as she said she saw my feet crunch up in my shoes, my arms squeeze the table I was setting on, and the look in my eyes and on my face... there was pain, and plenty of it.

  Play special attention to this part if you are a doctor. The quickest way to show a cold unfeeling heart is to purposely inflict pain needlessly. That is the quickest way to lose confidence of the patient and the quickest way to drive a wedge between the trust they have in you. That is not being a caregiver and while yes the person is dependent upon a doctor, the key word is a doctor, not this doctor. A distrust is formed after that and it is hard to overcome. True, there are tests that are painful, there are ones that shouldn't be, this one shouldn't have been.

  Needless to say, the first meeting didn't go too well. Shame though... it could have.