05-17-2011

I'll crash early tonight. I have to be NPO by midnight. We had Denise's birthday party, ate cake and she zoned into the TV and I into the web. I've ate like a horse today and tonight, especially the things I normally can't eat or figure will be off the list for a while. I've also went wild drinking as well. Orange Gator aid, Tea, Root Bear, Mt Dew, and Milk... I've done them all in one day. :)

  Talked with Terry Sellers and our pork will be ready either Thursday or Friday. It will be a tight fit to get it into one of the freezers. I'll have to see if Matt & Misty want any Mark & Bobbie. I'm sure they will take some and we have enough to share. We ran out of sausage and had to (yuk) buy some at the store. We only found 1 that didn't have MSG listed, and it still sucked at best. I wonder what planet they get those hogs from?

  The surgery is late morning and I told Denise that I will have to have something sprayed in my mouth before then. I don't think doctors think how much lubrication is natural, or rather just how much spit we swallow. I don't have that option and everything will become dried out, painfully so. The weather is bad for a few days and so down time needed will be easier to manage. No fever now but still ache and weak, and a head ache that is pestering.

  So we rest and hopefully sleep until time to go. Took a sleeping pill just in case.

05-17-2011

Happy Birthday Denise!!!!!!

Don't worry. We got the fire dept standing by... just in case the flames get too high. :)

  I'm not brave enough to place your age up. No way would I place a 4 and a 3 up here. :)

05-15-2011

Just now getting back up from getting slammed with some kind of intestinal something. Since I don't know anybody that has it I assume maybe it was a gift from preregistration at St Mary's. They seriously need to go back to the way they use to do it. High fever and not sure which end to put on the toilet first. From Thursday evening until Saturday morning. I think that was the closest thing to Chemo sickness I've experienced except for the chemo, and then I didn't run a high fever. Except that one time when I ended up in the hospital.

This once again tells me to avoid crowds. I thought I was past this.

05-11-2011

Well, the gig is set up now for next week. Me and Denise went down and done the paperwork, got blood drawn... so I'm all set. The lady who drew the blood looked at me and said, Which arm? Denise was standing in the corner and I smiled, pointed at Denise's arm and said, "That one." We all got a laugh out of that.

I think with my heart, Pernicious Anemia, and COPD, they are getting a lady to put me under. They said she was their best. I don't think the Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma had any bearing on anything. Most of my meds I have to take, exception being the anti-inflammatory. Other than that, pretty standard info. Have to wet, something else?, and be able to breathe on my own... then I can go home when they are done. First thing I thought was oh crap, that tube again. Definitely scary to wake up seeing.

I've gotta remember to go over the no (s) with the doctor before surgery. No extra tubes, pipes, holes, plugs, etc. :) Cut all they want inside, just not through to the outside, lol. Hopefully I'll not be down but a day, two at tops. Got too much to get done.

05-11-2011

I have to preadmit for surgery at St Mary's today for next week. Wonder if that is like preboarding, lol. This is something new they've started since my last surgery. Denise gave me orders not to get dirty, so here I sit. This is 3 good days in a row which makes it hard to just sit. I wonder if I mow the yard if she'd be able to tell. I checked the date and we will get to celebrate Denise's birthday the day before surgery. For that I'm thankful.

My mind and frustration is on Charlie, he seems to already be tossing in the towel. I know when he saw me smiling and being positive it must have looked bad, but he has enough negative going on with the pain. Hopefully that smile and those thoughts will strike a cord somewhere. He knows full well I've lived in that Hell, so hopefully he will smile back inside somewhere. Bill said this morning they were going to get a Feeding Tube installed, which is fine if he needs it. This is why I was trying to tell him that if there was another way like they first thought (surgery) to go that route. He didn't realize just how bad it is, and he's just getting started. If Hell is 3 feet down, he is at the first inch mark, and then you sometimes tunnel. The time to start the battle is at the beginning.

God how I hate cancer. I had forgotten just how bad it is. As a victim you feel helpless and sometimes, even though you say one thing positive you feel like your drowning and in a sea of hopeless pain and misery. I remember when people came to see me and I saw, even though they would try and hide it, the pain and shock in their faces when they looked and talked to me. That isn't as bad as it gets though. The worse part is when you hurt so bad for so long, you just kind of don't notice it, actually expect it. Death becomes quite an attractive option, yet you don't have options anymore.

As a spectator you feel worthless and helpless, useless at times. All you can do is watch and help as much as they will allow you, and pray. We've lost quite a few to cancer in our family over the years, too many. I'm not sure how nurses and doctors work in that field, but I'm sure glad they do. I'm not sure how they can keep their heart yet they seem to have bigger hearts. They remain distant enough to not have sympathy, yet close enough to have compassion. This is something that heroes are made of. Something that can and does make a huge difference in the outcome.

I think today Charlie is getting more fluids, one of the mistakes I made he is doing right. He will be in the company of the ladies at the Chemo Hut where he will get compassion without sympathy. He is going to have to fight though, and I know how hard it is to do that. I think faith and fighting is all the individual has at their disposal. In the end though, God makes the final call. I do think though we are to fight with all we have.

05-09-2011

Finally coming out of it while Charlie goes deeper down into it. Somehow that takes the joy out of coming out of it. I actually got up feeling good for a change and planned on getting a lot done. Take advantage of the good day and accomplish what I could before surgery next week. Somehow that just didn't happen.

I've had emotionally and psychologically some downs lately and today I think I finally turned the corner, with some help. I ran into BB and we talked a long time at Easy In, it felt good. Nathan, BB's son came in. Now there is a smart and talented kid, well I should say man, he has grown up now. I ended up going over to his house after mowing mom's yard and we sat and talked. Man did I even need that. Unfortunately BB didn't get what he was doing done either, but he didn't seem to mind.

We grew up together and even though we're cousins I always considered him a brother. Since he is older I looked up to him and because of that, I didn't get into the drug scene, my brief encounter ended as quick as it started. We looked the part with hair to our waists, beards, and bikes. We talked current times, reminisced older times. I think this is what I've needed for a long time. I've always been able to tell BB things that I probably never will tell another person. He is one of the few people that I have never questioned his heart, motives or honesty. He has always had a level head, even when we were kids. Funny how we pass and yet live so close. Have a lot in common like cars and bikes, yet we never seem to find the time.

So... if you read this BB or Janet either one, thank you. It's also my fault Janet that he didn't get everything done. I'm sorry that I kept him. And, thank you too Janet for lending an ear.

05-08-2011

I meant to add this up for tonight but forgot. This is from Dr Mercola's site and the videos I would recommend watching. http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2011/05/07/medical-marijuana-becoming-blockbuster-drug.aspx