12-31-2010

My last post for the year, next post will be in 2011. Funny, I didn't really think I would see this New Year come, but I'm still here. My old calendar comes down and my new Nasty Z28 Calendar goes up, and it begins with a 71 RS/SS.

  As I see the year ending my physical condition has improved in some ways, stayed the same in others, and worsen in a few. My front tooth broke off and one dentist said that without Saliva Glands working the rest probably would too. I have a dental appointment with another dentist 1-10-2011. Hopefully that news will change. I definitely will have to get a partial if not a full plate. The neuropathy varies from day to day, especially when I forget my pills. It hasn't changed better though. The spasms, cramps, whatever you call them have increased. Tonight I said to heck with it and done a full stretch, it felt good... for about two seconds. This time both legs in the large muscles. Sometimes they hit in my kidney area. Sometimes the feet, arms... you name it. Lots of pain in those. My throat still tightens up at night making breathing labored, but overall it has improved. I can tolerate a little more spices and seldom get stuff in my airway and up the nose is less frequent too. I still can't swallow pills very good. Usually I use Yahoo or Milk, sometimes Tea. 8 prescription pills in the mornings, 2 mid day, 1 evening, and 5 before bed, plus whatever vitamins I decide to take. Spoke too soon, just lodged a small Vitamin D right then. Denise helped me dislodge it. That went straight for the lungs. I can't get it totally dislodged but it's a capsule do it will dissolve quickly...I hope. The hearing I about the same but it does show some progress. That was supposedly a chemo side effect.

  I've found that extreme cold is about like heat... not too good. My thoughts on wondering if it's all gone or not are not present all the time like they were. As I get adjusted to the new me I am not as hard on myself for not getting done like I once did, but I still set goals a little higher after one is reached. I challenge myself, except in stairs, I don't do them well.

  As this year closes I am so very grateful for my family and friends. I realize that I have been and am blessed. For as bad as this was and has been there have been some great things came out of it, so I don't look back at this year as being a bad year. We enter in the New Year minus one, dad. I know though where he is he is great now, still I miss him. I had hopes that this year would see a conclusion to this disease but it hasn't. Another Cat Scan is in April, hopefully that one will say clean and good to go.

   Through all of this though God has blessed me with all of you, those who read this and those who don't but have remembered me in their prayers. If should it end tomorrow I die a wealthy man, not by the world's standards but by that which counts... God's.

  So Happy New Year, Thank You, and God Bless.

12-24-2010

I really didn't expect to see this Christmas, but I made it so far. I didn't figure dad would be missing but I figure he has the best seat in the house. Today is mom's birthday, so

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Since I'm here I wish everybody a 

Merry Christmas

  And thank all those who have been through this with me, prayed for me, wished me good thoughts, and those who cared for me, my family, friends, medical providers, and kind strangers I've met along the way. 

So, from me and Jack, Merry Christmas and Thank You. 

12-18-2010

Energy yesterday, and again today, neuropathy wasn't all that bad. We shopped all day and then went to the Christmas party tonight. It was a great day and night, right up until we got home. Broke another tooth off and right in the front bottom. I noticed that my gums and teeth, the ones I have left, are not looking too good. They seem to have never recovered. What a time of year and a day for it to break off. Six teeth on the bottom was all that was left after the chemo and radiation, now five. I perhaps should have had Sidney pull the all while he was doing it. It was the front lower middle. I thought at first it was just the cap, but when the cap came off I saw the tooth under it was broken. It was just hanging there so I thought I'd give Gorilla Glue a test run. We will see, but it doesn't seem to be working too great. Maybe by morning it will harden better. In a word... damn! Now I'm depressed again. Sometimes I wonder when it will get better, or when it will end. God knows, I'm trying to remain positive, but it's getting real hard to at times. Maybe I'll just end the last six on the bottom and get dentures. There again comes more pain. I just want a little quality, a little peace from pain. I hate taking all those pills and I want to go back like I was.

12-15-2010

Just in case I forget to publish between now and Christmas, I had to do this song.

12-14-2010

Yea I know, this is coming out 12-15, lol. I awoke to a knot on the left side of my throat this morning about the size of a large strawberry, or a small apple, depending on what fruit you like. It was larger than my Adam's apple. I told Denise when we talked on the phone later, we always talk when she takes lunch. Tonight she examined my throat and it was gone. That of course is a good thing. The tumor was on the right side yet the left side was the said that suffered the most damage from the radiation. But early this morning, for a few sentences, I had my real voice back! Short lived but hey, it's a start. My hair is thinning out in front, but at least I still have some, hands down better than last year, lol. I've kept to my resolution, my hair hasn't been cut since it grew back. It still has some curl in it and just goes wild. It must look bad because when I inquired about one of Denise's gifts I kept getting told who had the cheapest ones, lol.

There has to be some relation to damp weather, especially cold damp weather and neuropathy, mine has been flaring. I still find it so hard to understand how my feet can be cold enough to hurt badly, the CTCL is so raw that the tops of my feet and ankles feel like they are on fire, the balls like a ball with spikes are digging into the bone in the ball of my foot.... and yet stay numb so as not to really know where I step. My hands and face have just stayed numb and the ankles don't seem to work too well.

Last year we didn't put a tree up, first time ever. I done my shopping using Annie to get Denise's gift, then Denise to get my family's side. It was all done over the phone. I was too weak to go to mom and dad's for Christmas and we couldn't have it back here because I have very little immunity. The phone was how I celebrated it with them. This year, though my body is a wreck, we have a tree and I've done my own shopping. I wear down and have to take a break, use to I wore everybody else down. Missing this year is dad, but I know he is celebrating it with us looking down with a big grin.

Ran across this the other day... I love it.

12-08-2010

Today has been a bit different. While the new added BP pill has kept it down, it feels like it has kept me down too. 113/75. Denise said I will get use to it and that I had gotten use to the higher BP. The cold is still hanging on and towards the nighttime the neuropathy kicks in high gear. I did sleep well last night. My throat is the same as it was, maybe worse at times for soreness and and dryness. I don't much believe that the swelling is going down. Some nights I can eat good then other nights I get choked.

Tomorrow I feed the cows so that means freeze mu butt off again.

12-07-2010

Well the steroids seem to be working... I'm getting fatter, lol. They do seem to be working on the swelling on my throat though. In the process of this my blood pressure went sky high. After it hit 194/104 (8), Rama decided I need another pill. This one normaled me out.

12-6-2010

Still have a bad cold but I think maybe it is beginning to turn since the Levaquin was started. I slept again on Sunday on and off all day. I suppose that I should be thankful that my throat was better enough to have a sore throat and know I have one. Still on Prednisone and it helps with the swelling inside but seems to not stay for long. Still, I awake sometimes from my throat closing off. It's a weird feeling yet one that I have grown use to over time. Funny what one can get use to. Blood work last week shows that my Thyroid is not functioning but my T3 & T4 levels still aren't off enough to start the medication Dr Beth says.

While I hate to admit it, the chemo brain or fog, whichever tern it is, is still bad. Maybe a little better because I realize just how bad lately. I've learned to just slow down and when I forget what I am doing somewhere to stall and hope it comes back to me. I have forgotten so much. Ever since the heart attack my short term memory has been off but now long and short term are compromised. It doesn't seem though to be any getting better. It gets embarrassing sometimes, most times.

Maybe it's the medication but twice now I have awoke to some pretty horrific dreams, and some weird dreams too. Daddy is in most of them and we are acting crazy like we use to yet I know in the dream he is gone. Tonight we played making faces at each other and smiling through a crowd. He was my only comfort from the crowd I had gotten myself into. In the dream I catch myself playing this silly game of leaning back and forth, making a face and smiling at each other like we did when we were out in a crowd and got separated, then I realized that I was the only one who could see him and had better stop before people thought I was nuts. Or the one where we talk at mom's and he tells me how to build a thing to stack my firewood on, and we're talking exact detail. We argued as he always overbuilt everything and I always cut corners, not a heated argument though. I spent some time and seeing how he only had a little time left to stay I told him I was going home so he and mom could have some alone time. I built it like he said to build it in the dream. The thing is holding more firewood that my design could have ever held, looks pretty good, and will probably out last me. I won't go over the third one in which there was no comfort. I have only been able to remember three so far. Strange, because I usually never dream or at least don't remember dreaming.

So here I set at 6am and will try and go back to bed. Another day.

12-07-2010

Bad cold today. It has swelled my throat inside and outside, it is also sore, headache. The neuropathy hs been a booger. I'm sucking fumes today. My blood work came back abnormal for the thyroid gland. Beth says to wait but Denise moves forward.