The Real Cost

   This is something I felt needed to be said so I made a spot for it when I started this. What is the real cost of cancer? We always think monetary or the person that has it and while that is correct, it is the cheapest part of what is owed and paid. This is some things from my heart.

  The real cost, at least for me, is seeing the fear, terror, and hurt in my family and friend's eyes. They are just as much victims as I with one big exception, they are innocent. This kind of cancer comes usually from one of three things: Smoking, Acid reflux, Alcohol. Now I don't drink but God knows I've smoked like a Freight Train and have the Acid Reflux. My wife and kids don't smoke. Most of my family don't smoke. They aren't the ones throwing up or going through the physical pain, but they are suffering emotional pain... and for that I am truly sorry.

   I was one of the guys that said, "Something's got to get you". A very wise Indian Chief once said, "It's easy to be brave... from a distance". Stop for a moment and think about that. A short sentence that contains more wisdom than whole books do these days. So if you are a tough person like I was, remember that. If you do as I have done, use stupid sentences to make up for your actions like I did, think about that. There is nothing brave about sitting in a chair having poison put into your veins while your family watches. There is nothing brave about throwing up what you eat and losing weight while your family looks on helpless. There is nothing brave about your bones hurting deep inside, losing your hair, turning pale, physical weakness to the point of not being able to do anything, while your loved ones watch helplessly. There is nothing brave about being at the mercy of the world. There is nothing brave about trying to figure out not only what will stay down but what you can actually swallow. There is nothing brave about choking. There is nothing brave about having to keep a spit bottle to spit out infection.

  Now I do not fear death, I've seen it before with my heart attack in 2005. I know what it feels like to lay there helplessly while you fight for your next breath. What I do fear however is the road that leads to death. While both are painful, the heart attack was relatively quick, this is slow. It strips from you everything. Your independence and energy are slowly taken from you while your loved ones watch. It is truly a humbling experience.

  It will at times seem not fair, but then again life isn't fair. I don't ask why me because I do not know of anybody I would wish this on, so my question then becomes, why not me.  It isn't a curse placed by God but rather a chance one takes by choosing the wrong path. Free Will is something that God gave us and so we select a path on a daily measure. Be it smoking, drugs, alcohol, sodas, etc... it is our choices that sometimes bring about bad things. Falling is part of being human and the fall is not what determines who we are, rather it is getting back up and what we do after the fall that determines who we are.

   It will show you just how brave you are not. It will show you just how many people care, and that can be amazing, actually humbling. It will also show the true side of some, be it good or bad. Either way, you are at their mercy. I have been pleasantly shocked and by one not so pleasantly shocked. I will say this, I would rather endure this pain and die with a compassionate heart that to live without one.