During the day I ate, but watching what I ate. Too smooth or too small and you were choked. Too large and you found yourself trying to get whatever you just ate back up because it was teetering on which way it was going, if indeed it went at all. You panic the first few times then you start to realize that you must keep your calm as much as possible. Eventually you find the right texture, the right size, but it is still anybody's guess which one will not go, if indeed any.
There is a pain... a horrible pain that is associated with each swallow even if it goes down right. Sweat breaks out from this pain. Never mind you've just taken more Tylenol than is safe for your liver, not counting the Tylenol Sore throat liquid you now drink, a bottle does well to last two days. It begins embarrassing to eat near your family and friends, yet you feel the need to, maybe they can help should it become lodged. Eating out... no way.
As you lay at night you feel what feels like a flap covering your hole you breathe through and attempting to dislodge it is very painful and usually unsuccessful. I call this next thing the animal instinct. There is a survival instinct to survive. I have this real fear that if I go to sleep... I will not wake up. So I fight to stay awake, cigarettes, soda pop, lights on, anything you can think of. As fatigue takes it's toll you begin to wear down. Yes, you will be scared at this point, no matter what your beliefs.
I keep saying you, but let us place the proper perspective on this, it is not you but I. You still have a choice perhaps. I have made my peace with God on many nights, not just one time per night either for as you finally succumb to fatigue, it doesn't last very long, this cancer isn't done with you yet! I awaken multiple times over the stretch of the night, usually from choking on my own spit (aka saliva). That leads to more pain, so now I AM up again for a while, scared to death making my peace with God should I not wake up or even worse, wake up only to partake in you're own gruesome strangulation death. Nothing says bravery like drowning in your our body fluids. This isn't a rare night folks... it is a common one. There is a snore that sounds more beast than human when you do sleep. This goes on for weeks. By this time my right inner ear was killing me, often making my head so sore it couldn't be touched, even by a pillow.
Now already there will be those that see the word God and get turned off by just the mention of His name, for those I pray for you. While I was ignorant, you are doubly so. But we in the end account for only ourselves, small children should be exposed to them, and others helped or harmed by us along the way. I am not writing this to save you, only you can save you with the help of God. That is not what I am here to do, rather to give you an idea what you may be in store for. We aren't even to the worse party yet, what pain those who love and care about you are going through. because you have placed it on them. .
If you dare, it will be posted later on.
We've still not been diagnosed yet.
No comments:
Post a Comment